


The Captive

by HeldBeneath88



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, mentions of abuse never depicted
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-28
Updated: 2015-10-27
Packaged: 2018-01-14 02:17:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 68,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1249030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeldBeneath88/pseuds/HeldBeneath88
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I was just a girl who made a mistake. And then he took me, hid me away, and ruined me. I didn’t know how long I had been gone, locked in my jail cell. But I knew it was a long time, a very long time. All my friends quite looking for me, assuming I was dead. But I don’t blame them, because I learned after it all, that I was gone for three years. And the only reason I was even rescued was because he came back for me. Well after he mysteriously disappeared for 6 months, he came back. He came back, but he still wouldn’t let me go. He claimed me, branded me as his own. And honestly, I was so broken, so bruised and battered. I just didn’t care. He could do whatever he wanted with me and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. Because I was dead inside, I was nothing. I was just so broken and he knew it. But he was different after he came back. Like something snapped in him and he was almost human. And we mended together and he helped rebuild me. And in return, I helped rebuild him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> So I've had this story in my head for awhile and I just can't get it to go away. So I wrote it with no intention of publishing it. But obviously I changed my mind and here it is. So I hope you enjoy and if you do I thank you. I'll admit I'm not the best writer, but I'm trying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my warning. This story will deal with difficult things. I never depict any of the abuse, but it is mentioned. And things are heavily implied. My character is a very broken girl in the story that slowly comes back to herself with the help of Crowley. she will experience a lot of emotions. A lot of things will happen to her. I will warn before every chapter...if anything..maybe triggering will happen? 
> 
> Just enjoy.

It all started with a kiss on the hand, it was a simple, polite gesture. But I never should have accepted it, I should have pulled away. But after having 2 glasses of wine by myself, my mind was loopy. And quite frankly I wasn’t expecting company. But you know when Sam, Dean, and an unknown demon show up, you have to answer. And, especially when they’ve come for help on a case and needed my expert advice. Well not really expert, they just wanted to bother me because they were in town. 

But that’s how it all started and to put it simply, that’s how my life was ruined. That one simple gesture from him, well not even a him, a demon. He ruined my life, that’s what he did and I hated him. But I guess that’s what I get for playing the “who would you marry, fuck, or kill” game in front of him. That’s how he got the silly notion in his head that I would in fact fuck him. God what were we, 5 year olds? It was just a stupid game, just so stupid of me to say, what I said. Just because he had a sexy accent, he dressed well, and I was drunk, very drunk. And I knew Sam and Dean were off limits, because well they were childhood friends, and that was just weird. Gross in fact, I could never, just ugh. 

I was just a girl who made a mistake. And then he took me, hid me away, and ruined me. I didn’t know how long I had been gone, locked in my jail cell. But I knew it was a long time, a very long time. All my friends quite looking for me, assuming I was dead. But I don’t blame them, because I learned after it all, that I was gone for three years. And the only reason I was even rescued is because he came back for me. Well after he mysteriously disappeared for 6 months, he came back. He came back, but he still wouldn’t let me go. He claimed me, branded me as his own. And honestly, I was so broken, so bruised and battered. I just didn’t care. He could do whatever he wanted with me and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. Because I was dead inside, I was nothing. I was just so broken and he knew it.

But then I became his, his Dr. Phil. He didn’t explain to me why he was gone for so long. Not until his bloodlust came in. He craved it, needed the human blood. And I was his new source, but again I didn’t care. He could kill me if he wanted, but he kept me around. Locked away in his apartment and we cohabitated together. Lived like a couple, but we weren’t. I was still a prisoner to him. But for some reason he needed me, he craved me. I didn’t know why, still don’t. 

He wanted to mend me, heal the trauma that he caused. It was almost as if he felt bad for what he did. And in return, he spilled his guts to me, again, like I was Dr. Phil. I would just listen to him and took in everything he told me. I even saw him cry once. I didn’t know who did it or why they did it. But they cured Crowley, made him better. He was so humanly, it was scary. But I was the only person to ever see it, because he knew I had no one to tell. I mean seriously he was the only thing I talked to. And that was- is my life. 

He never really explained why he took me or he did, but I can’t remember. I just assumed for the sex, because that’s all I was to him. Well, for a while anyways, then I became more. I’m sure he could have had anyone, but he chose me. And I wished he hadn’t, I wished I never met him. But then sometimes, I look at him and think I love him? But how could I? Did I have that Stockholm syndrome? I don’t know, but he did ask me one time to love him. To pretend, because he needed to feel loved. He needed to feel something and I think that’s why he saved me. He healed me, mended me, and made me feel again. And I think he did it all for him, so he could get some kind of forgiveness. He acted like I was every human he had ever wronged. But I wasn’t, I was just one girl that he endlessly used and abused. And I just can’t son of a bitch, I just can’t. God, I’m sorry, I’m probably rambling on too much, but I need to get this all out. I need to tell my story. My fucked up, unwatchable, horrifically painful, love story? No not love story, just an awful experience? No, it’s an awful story, probably stupid. I don’t know. You decide.


	2. The Start Of It All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Start To It All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's my warning: my story is rated M for a reason. I don't post anything too explicit, but I thought I'd just throw that out there. Lol. I hope you enjoy the chapter, it takes place around season 5 right now. Thanks for reading.

I quickly walked to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of wine. It tasted so good, I couldn’t get enough. Plus it was Friday night and I didn’t have anywhere to be. I poured it into a wine glass and filled it all the way up. Don’t judge me; I wanted to have fun, even though, again, I was alone. I took a large gulp of my wine, as the sweetness filled my mouth. I danced around the kitchen like an idiot. You know, threw my hands in the air, like I just didn’t care. I had a stupid smile plastered on my face, as I spun in circles. I was well on my way to drunkenness. But then it happened. Loud, booming knocks echoed through the kitchen, which caused me to stop dead mid dance. I eyed the front door, as I narrowed my eyes. Who the hell was knocking at my door?

“Lo, open up!” Crap. I knew exactly who it was. There was no denying that loud, deep, gruff voice. They always just showed up. No call, no email, no text, I was going to yell at them. So, I quit my dancing and sauntered over to the front door. My body rocked, as I leaned against the door, and looked out the peep hole. There they were. Bunch of idiots, but I loved them. They were like my brothers.

“I don’t want any! Go sell your Girl Scout cookies somewhere else!” I said with a manic grin. Dean just rolled his eyes.

  
“Ah, come on, Lo, I’ve got some wonderful cookies for you.” He said with a smirk. He brought his hazel eye closer to the peep hole and I just laughed. I had to laugh, because he looked like an idiot. I quickly threw the door open and grinned.

“You guys suck, maybe a call next time, assholes?” I said, as I shook my head. Sam grinned at me and placed his hands in his pockets.

“Nice to see you too, Lo.” He said sarcastically. “Can we come in?” He asked and I shrugged.

“I guess.” I said, as Sam stepped up into the house and somebody else came into view. I had never seen him before. I raised an eyebrow at him and he smirked. I knew what he was, I could tell. I could smell the sulfur that radiated off of him.

“What’s a demon doing standing on my porch?” I asked irritated, as I shifted my eyes toward Dean. Dean shrugged and rolled his eyes.

“We’re working a case. He’s helping.” He said, as he pointed back to him. The man shrugged and stepped forward.

“Yes, Love, I mean no harm.” He said, as he put his hands up in defense. I scoffed and continued to look at Dean.

“And you brought him here, why? Because that’s so not cool. And when the hell did hunters start working with Demons?” I asked suspiciously, as Dean walked in and walked past me. He just scoffed at me. My eyes followed him, as he immediately went to the fridge. “You know, just make yourselves comfortable. Just don’t eat all my food! I work hard for that!” I said loudly with sarcasm, as I pointed toward Dean. He chuckled, as his head was buried in the fridge. I looked back at the demon that was still on the porch.

“Come on in, I guess.” I muttered unenthusiastically, as I motioned for him to come in. He smirked, as he stepped up into the house. He slowly stood in front of me and took my hand. My whole body stiffened, as I eyed him carefully. What was he up to? He caused my whole body to shutter, as chills ran down my spine. I felt the goose bumps erupt all over my body, especially where he touched.

“A peace offering, Darling.” He said smoothly, as he brought my hand to his mouth. I just watched, dumbfounded. I didn’t know what he was doing, but his breathes hit my hand. I felt his warm lips land on the top of my hand and I couldn’t jerk it away. Although, I really should have moved it away. He just smirked at my reaction and slowly lowered my hand. I took my hand back, as he slowly walked into the house. I could tell he wasn’t impressed. His lip was curled up, as he looked around. But I tried to ignore him, because I hated the fact he was in my house.

“So, what brings you guys here?” I asked, as Dean carefully closed the fridge. He shrugged his shoulders, as a bagel rested in his mouth. I looked over at Sam who sighed.

“Got a case a few towns from here, we needed a place to crash.” He said with a soft smile. My shoulders fell immediately and I rolled my eyes.

“So I’m the first person you think of?” I whined, as I sipped my wine. I peered at Sam over the rim of my glass and he shrugged.

“Ah, come on, Lo, you love seeing us!” Dean expressed, as he chewed the bagel with an open mouth.

“Yes, I do in fact love seeing you guys. But you ever heard of a phone? I mean come on there’s such thing as a text message. Honestly, boys, it’s not that hard.” I said through a smirk. Dean scoffed at me and rolled his eyes.

“Ah, get over it. We’re here and we’re staying.” He said as he put an arm around my shoulder, which caused my wine to spill a little. Droplets ran over my finger tips and I sighed.

“Now that’s alcohol abuse, Dean.” I said with a playful smirk. I softly ran my shoulder into his ribs.

“You guys need anything to drink?” I asked, as Sam shook his head.

“God, yes, a beer maybe?” He asked with hope. I shrugged, smiled, and peeled myself away from Dean.

“Lo always has beer.” I said referring to myself. I walked over to the fridge and pulled out two beers. I sighed as the demon now sat on my couch. I would have to clean that after he left. Nasty demons always smelled like sulfur, yuck. Now my couch would probably smell like it too.

“And you, demon?” I asked, as I tried to be polite. He jerked his head toward me. A smirk played on his lips and he shrugged.

“You don’t carry my brand, Love.” I just rolled my eyes. Why was he even here again? Should I have even of let him in my house? He was pretty handsome though. No Lorna stop it! He’s a demon, a nasty, ugly, well not so ugly, but a demon. And that voice, good God, so delightful! Lorna, seriously stop it. Damn alcohol and lustful thoughts. I just shrugged my shoulders, as a drink appeared in his hands. I just rolled my eyes, as my rocky body walked toward the couch. I sat in between Sam and this demon. Ah, what’s the harm in sitting by the demon? I looked over at the demon, as he still smirked at me. I sipped my wine, as his eyes traveled up and down my body discreetly.

“So, demon, you got a name? Or should I keep calling you what you are?” I asked, as I raised an eyebrow.

“The name’s Crowley, darling, and the pleasures all mine.” He said in a low, dangerous tone, as he raised his eyebrows. I rolled my eyes.

“Don’t try and flatter me.” I slurred sternly and Sam chuckled.

“Don’t let him get to you, Lo, he flirts with everybody.” Sam said, as he looked at me. He looked worried, like I shouldn’t be sitting here. But what did he care? They were the bastards that brought him here. Again, why the hell were they hanging out with a demon? He must have been really helping them out.

“And you, darling? Is it Lo or?” I just widened my eyes, I hated my real name. I was named after some stupid book that my parents were obsessed with.

“Lorna.” Dean piped in, as he sat across the room in an oversized chair. I immediately glared at Dean who smirked at me. He knew how to press my buttons, like spilling the beans on my real name. Dick.

“Like the book?” Crowley asked, as he raised an eyebrow. I shrugged, as I took another sip.

“Yeah, my parents were in love with the thing. I’ve never read it, though.”

A few hours had passed and it was like old times. Well except for the demon in the room. Normally we’d be trying to kill it or send it back to hell at least. But no, he was here in my house, staring at me. Honestly, if looks could kill or set you on fire, I’d be there. Because he wouldn’t stop staring at me and it was creepy. I mean he was gorgeous and all and he could talk to me all night, but honestly it needed to stop.

“Lorna, who would you choose?” I rolled my eyes. Mind you, I was way plastered at this point.

“God, Dean, this is like a middle school game. And there are only three of you, this is stupid.”

“Don’t be a baby, Lorna, just choose.” He retorted, as he sipped his beer. I knew why he pressed so much. I knew the answer he wanted me to say to him. I was the one girl he couldn't get. I was the one girl who refused to sleep with him.

“Yeah, come on, Lo, who would you marry? Who would you fuck? And who would you kill?” Sam asked, as he started to slur. I just rolled my eyes and threw my head into the back of the couch.

“Fine.” I said, as I sat up. I pointed at Sam and shrugged. “I’d marry you; you’d be a good husband.” I said with a wink. God that was creepy, he was like my brother. I pointed to Dean and grinned. He was going to hate my answer. “I’d kill you, handsome. But only because you ate all my damn food!” And then I slowly turned to Crowley and shrugged at him. “And I’d fuck you, I guess.” He smirked at me and I heard a growl come from his throat. He must have liked my answer. Oh great, what did I just say to him? That was dumb.

“Seriously, Lorna? You’d kill me and fuck a demon? I’m appalled and slightly disgusted.” He said as he curled his lip. I shrugged my shoulders.

“You wanted to play, so your turn.” I said as I nodded at him. He shook his head back and forth.

“There’s no way I’m playing. I don’t fuck or marry guys, especially a demon and my brother.” He said with a smirk.

“Ah, see you’d kill me too!” I said with a grin. He just chuckled at me and shook his head.

I licked my lips, as I lazily turned my head to look at Sam. He was snoring, loudly and drooling on my couch. Great, yet another place I’d have to clean after they left. I groaned, as I looked over at Dean, who was passed out too. He looked really uncomfortable. Head twisted in an odd position, as his legs were spread out in front of him. Was I the only one awake? Oh, but no, I remembered that the demon Crowley was still there. I looked over at Crowley who stared at me and I rolled my eyes.

“I’m going to bed. I’m assuming you don’t sleep.” I said, as I got up. I felt his hand slither around me and he rested it on my low back. He was standing right in front of me, trying to pull my body close to his. I knew what he wanted; he thought I really wanted to fuck him. But did I? Who the hell knows? Maybe I really did.

“Care for some company, Darling?” He asked smoothly, as he finally won and my body was pressed against his. I shook my head back and forth.

  
“God, Crowley, no that was just a game. I just said that to piss Dean off.” I said honestly, as his hand trailed up my back. This was defiantly not good, not good at all. I looked up at him and stared him in the eye. That was a mistake too. He looked at me with lustful eyes, pupils dilated. He looked gorgeous though and my mind raced wildly. I needed to move and go to bed, before I did something stupid. Move, Lorna, go, go go!!!

“I’m going to bed.” I said sternly, as I pushed him off of me. I walked up the stairs and headed to my bedroom. I was careful and looked over my shoulder. I tried to make sure he didn’t follow me. And I breathed a sigh of relief when he didn’t. I swiftly walked into my room and shut the door behind me. I sighed, as I lifted my t-shirt over my head and started to unbutton the top of my jeans. Heavy breathes hitched in my throat, as I felt hands on my shoulders. They trailed down my arms and I felt his hot breath on my neck. He caused goose bumps to form all over my body.

“You’re no hunter.” He whispered and I felt his lips ghost over my bare shoulder. I gulped hard, as my breaths quickened.

“No. My parents were, but I still know a thing or two.” I whispered back, as his hands traveled down to my hips. He pressed his fingers into my hip bone and forcefully pulled me closer to him. I could feel him; I could feel how excited he was.

“And, you’re awfully persistent. I said no to this.” I tried to sound strong, but it was just breathy words that meant nothing. He nipped at the skin on my neck and chuckled. God, this felt so good, so right and then bad, so bad, all at the same time.

“You don’t seem like you’re saying no.” He said in a low, raspy, dangerous voice, as his hand traveled into my jeans. I wanted to stop him, but I couldn’t. His fingers grazed over my lady parts and I gasped loudly. “You defiantly want this. I can feel it, darling.” He whispered again, as he bucked his hips into mine. I tried to stifle my moan, but it came out anyways. I actually enjoyed it. What was wrong with me?

My mind raced wildly again. God this was dumb, so dumb! I shouldn’t have been doing this! But then I didn’t have time to think when he threw me against the wall. It was rough, but not too rough. I grunted, as his thumb rested against my chin and his fingers sprawled on my jawline. I breathed heavily and I looked into his eyes. And then it happened. He crashed his lips into mine, tongue invading my mouth. And of course I let him and I participated. Because it felt so good, it felt amazingly good. He almost made me forget that he was a demon.

  
His fingers manically ran through my hair, softly pulling at the roots. His mouth traveled down my neck as he sucked hard and man it felt good. I hadn’t done it in so long, that everything he did sent pleasurable waves through my body. And you see this, this scene. This was my big mistake, because we continued this. We went all the way and I’d be lying if I said it was bad. Because it was good, way too good to forget. I mean like, we did it for hours, it was that good, and it never got old.

And when we were finally done I just laid on the bed, eyes closed. My body was actually sore from the workout and I sighed. He pulled me close to him and spooned me, as we lay in bed together. What a weird demon he was or is, really.

“Now that was fantastic, darling.” He whispered genuinely into my ear, his breaths hitting my skin. My eyes were still closed and I just hummed.

  
“Mmhmm. Very wonderful.” I whispered, as I pulled the blanket over myself. I was defiantly ready to go to sleep. I yawned, as his hand traveled to my bum and I felt a burning sensation on my skin. My eyes shot open and widened. Whatever he did hurt like a mother fucker. I looked back at him and he grinned. “What the hell was that?” I asked in a panic. He just patted my bum lightly with his hand and chuckled.

“Now everyone knows that I’ve been there.” He said, as he kissed me cheek. And with that, he was gone and I was alone. I pursed my lips and looked back at my bum.

“God Damnit, Crowley.” I whispered in disbelief, as I stared at the singed “C” on my skin. I ran my finger carefully over it, as it burned slightly. He had basically put a brand on me. I mean what the hell? Who does that?

“It’s so I can keep my eye on you and you better believe I will.” I jerked my head to see him. He leaned against the wall, fully clothed, and he smirked. He made it obvious that he was ogling my naked body. Moving his eyes up and down my body slowly, as he licked his lips. I just rolled my eyes and covered myself back up.

“Oh great.” I muttered and he walked toward me. That same old familiar smirk played on his lips, as he placed his hands in his pockets. He shrugged his shoulders softly and pointed at me.

“Because I will be back, darling, there’s no way I could forget you.” He said with a wink. And that was it; I knew it was all a mistake. Stupid hormones, stupid alcohol, curse you.

“No way, Crowley, this was a one night stand. You can’t come crawling back for more.” I retorted sternly, as I pointed a finger at him. I was full of regret at this point. I tried to be strong, show him I wasn't afraid, but I didn't think it worked. And by his mocking reaction, it didn't.  
He shrugged and chuckled.

“Oh, my darling Lorna, that’s a joke right?” He asked, as he got closer to the bed.

And then suddenly he was on top of me again and pressed all his weight into me. He grabbed me forcefully by the wrists and held them down. I knew I was in trouble then, by the way he looked at me. He was dangerous and I knew it. I gulped, as our noses touched. He smirked still, as he sniffed the air and bit his lip. He rocked his hips into mine hard.

“I love the smell of your fear, dear. It’s very intoxicating. I’d go another round, if I didn’t have somewhere to be. But remember what I said, love. I will be back, might not be soon, but I’ll be back for more of this. It’s not very often a demon can find a lovely lady like yourself, that they’re actually attracted to. And you, Lorna, have got it for me.” He bent down and forcefully kissed me. He moaned loudly, as he rocked his hips again. I just stared at him, as his lips were on mine. What had I done? Now this demon, this thing, thought I was what? His? There was no way in hell I was going to do this again. And then, he disappeared again. He left me breathless and afraid.

I heard noises from downstairs and sighed. The boys were up already and I hadn’t even slept yet. I probably looked like shit and smelled like sex. I needed to take a shower before they came looking for me. So with a sigh, I reluctantly got out of the bed, and headed to my bathroom. And not only did I smell like sex, I felt dirty. I don’t think they made water hot enough for what I needed to boil off. Seriously, what the hell did I get myself into this time?


	3. Chapter 3

By the time I stepped out of the shower Dean was in the doorway. I just stared at him and he smirked.

“Dean, its call privacy.” I said with attitude, as I secured the towel around my chest. He rolled his eyes and shook his head.

“Look, we’re hungry. You wanna come with us? Find a diner or something?” He asked, as he folded his arms across his chest. I shrugged. Food did sound nice and a smile crept across my face. I playfully hit his shoulder, as I strode out of the bathroom.

“Yeah, I’ll go, but you’re buying.” I said with a smile and he huffed. I quickly walked into my room, which was connected to the bathroom.

“Fine.” He retorted quickly and he exited the room.

About 30 minutes later I was finally ready. And of course boys being boys they were impatient. Giving my shit for taking so long, but I just had to scoff at them. They would never understand women. And not that I’m a prissy lady or anything, I just like to look presentable, unlike them. You know, pair of jeans a nice top, nothing special. So I threw on a pair of tennis shoes and we walked out the door. I couldn’t help but smile at the black Impala sitting in my driveway. I was always in love with the thing. From the sound it made, to the people inside of it. The Impala rocked, like seriously awesome. The three of us and let me point out how great it was that it was just us three. No demon tagged along, which made my day. Anyways, we got into the Impala and we made our way down the street. We quickly pulled into the parking lot of a small diner.

As we walked through the front door of diner I couldn’t help wondering where Crowley was. Like was he just going to show up while we were here? Or would I be safe? Because to quit honest, I was scared of him now, I mean I was before, but more now. The way he attacked me this morning it just racked my nerves. So I couldn’t help, but ask the boys about him.

“So where’d your demon friend go off to?” I asked curiously, secretly hoping he’d never come back. We were quickly seated at a dining table. Dean shrugged and furrowed his eyebrows.

“Back to hell I hope.” He said with a smirk. I rolled my eyes, wishing he’d go back to hell too. “But really, he said something like…he was working on a lead for our case. You know.” I sighed heavily with relief. The last thing I wanted was him showing up here. Knowing how demons are, he’d spill the beans. He’d let it all hang out that he took advantage of me. That he sexed me up all night long. That’s just how they are bragging bastards. So, I crossed my fingers under the table and tried to keep my anxiety down.

“Tell me again why you brought him to my house?” I reiterated with irritation, as I looked over the menu. I heard Sam give a heavy sigh and I looked up at him. His face hung low, like he was trying to figure out a good answer. And I’d hoped he figured out a good one, like a seriously good one. His eyes scanned the menu that sat on the table and then shifted toward me. I narrowed my eyes at him, as he tried to explain.

“Sorry, Lo, he told us he was going to leave. But when we pulled up, he decided to stay.” I just rolled my eyes and dropped my shoulders forward. That’s a lame ass excuse. Why the hell were they hanging with him anyways?

“Yeah, maybe next time you should shut your blinds before you dancing around the kitchen, huh?” Dean said with a smirk, as he stared at me. My eyes widened and I hid my face in my hands. I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks. Oh God, my dancing. Shit I forgot to shut the blinds. Is that what made the demon want to come in? Well that is just embarrassing.

“Look, it’s alright guys, just, uh; you know a little warning next time? I don’t like demons waltzing into my house. What if he comes back?” I asked, as I folded my arms across my chest.

I was worried. What if he did come back? He promised he would and I would be all by myself. I was worried that he would hurt me, because I knew he could. And the way he looked at me this morning, I knew he was dangerous. I could feel it radiating off of him, the danger, the evilness, the power to kill someone. I knew with the snap of his fingers he could kill me. And I was utterly scared of him now. The amounts of alcohol that I had, made me throw caution to the wind. I gave into my mind and my desires. And I bet that’s what would get me killed. God damn my desires. Why do I always willingly walk into danger, sometimes I just don’t get myself. I mean seriously, what was I thinking, honestly, so stupid.

But I had to put a front on for Sam and Dean. They could tell the slightest hint that I was hiding something. I was a terrible, awful, no good friggin’ liar and it showed all over my face. I just had to play it cool, nothing serious happened, honestly. But if they ever got a look at my ass, they’d see a “C” burned on there. Then I’d have to explain something. But then again, I’d never let them look at my ass, so I guess that solves that.

“Look, if he comes back, call us. I’ll come kill him myself.” Sam nodded his head in agreement.

“We won’t ever let anything bad happen to you.” Sam promised and I sighed. I really had hoped he meant it, but I was still worried. What if they were too far away? The stupid demon could teleport me anywhere. Maybe I should start looking for a new house to buy and I should probably start looking today. I mean, can’t you tell I’m freaking out? My mind won’t shut up about the fear.

“So what’s the case you boys are working on? Can I help?” I asked, as I placed my elbows on the table. Our waitress quickly walked over with a smile on her face. Which was imperfect timing for me, because I saw their awkward faces, I saw their wide eyes. They were trying to hide the apocalypse from me. I knew they were on their way to stop it and fix it.

“Can I get ya’ll something to drink? Are you ready to order?” The waitress asked, as she pulled out a notepad. We all nodded and placed our orders. She gave a soft smile and walked away.

“So where were we in this conversation?” I asked playfully, as I tapped a finger on my chin. I quickly raised it in the air and smiled. “Oh yeah! We were talking about your current case. Need help?” I asked, as Sam rolled his eyes.

“It doesn’t concern you, Lorna. Plus you’re not a hunter.” He said with a smirk. I rolled my eyes. No, I wasn’t a hunter, but I knew the life. Like I told Crowley, my parents were hunters and I somehow turned out normal. Of course they sheltered me at Bobby’s, which was awesome. Bobby was like a second dad to me and I loved the guy. And you probably guessed it, that’s how I met the boys. We grew up together, always at Bobby’s house at the same time, and they were basically my brothers. But we were always so different. I knew about the monsters and all the horrible things in the world, but I didn’t hunt them. I didn’t want to hunt at all, because it scared me, still scares me. So I stayed more on the research end of things. If the boys needed help with something and Bobby didn’t know, they came to me. I wasn’t an expert, but I tried to help when I could. I actually lived a normal life. You know, a 9 to 5 job, working in a cubical. Yeah, it was boring, but I was never scared to be there. But sometimes it was nice putting my foot into their world. Sticking my nose in a book for them, finding out information they needed.

Just then the waitress dropped off our drinks and I smirked. This was the perfect time to drop the apocalypse bomb. My goal, making soda squirt out of their noses and who do you think would do it? I really hoped Dean; I could barely ever surprise him anymore. So, I sat back in my seat and folded my arms across my chest, waiting for the perfect time. A smirk played on my lips, as the boys happily dove into their sodas. And when I knew that they were knee deep in soda, I spilled the beans.

“I know about the apocalypse, you dumbasses.” I said in a low voice. Dean’s eyes widened, as he began to choke on his drink and score! It started dribbling out of his nose and he coughed loud. Sam immediately pulled his mouth away from his straw and shook his head.

“How in the hell do you know?” Sam asked in disbelief. I rolled my eyes and let my head fall backwards.

“You idiots think you can protect me from everything. Just think long and hard about it. Who would tell ole’ Lorna about the apocalypse?” I said, returning my head to the upright position. Dean wiped his mouth with a napkin and slammed his hand into the table, as he stared at Sam. You know what their faces look like when they finally catch on? Well they did that at the exact same and whipped their heads toward me.

“Bobby.” They yelled in unison, giving each other a look afterwards. I could tell they were upset they said something in unison. They hated doing that, but it was so funny when they did. I just cracked a smile and chuckled.

“You boys are mighty smart.” I said, as I waitress approached the table. She set our plates in front of us and I started cutting up my piece of breakfast ham. I looked at Sam, as he shook his head.

“Bobby wasn’t supposed to tell you. We were trying to..” But I couldn’t let him finish, I had to cut him off. I knew exactly what was about to fall out of that boys mouth.

“Trying to protect me from the stupid shit that goes on. Yaddy, yaddy yadda, I know. But I’m a big girl, boys. I may still be afraid of the monsters, but I can handle the apocalypse.” I said with a smile, as I shoved ham into my mouth. I looked over at Dean who shoved his food into his mouth.

“I mean, come on, Lo, ignorance is bliss right?” Dean said, as his cheek puffed out with food. He shrugged, as he swallowed his food hard. I just rolled my eyes.

“I could help you know. Anything I can do for you guys.” Dean immediately shook his head, as I took another bite.

“No, we already lost too many people. We can’t lose you too.” He said aggressively. I sighed heavily. I knew exactly who they were talking about. Well, I hadn’t ever met Jo and Ellen, but I knew who they were. After Sam and Dean had met them, they told me all about them. Even though I hadn’t met them, I felt like I knew them and it made me sad. I never wanted to see hunters die, because my best friends were hunters. And imaging some other hunter dying, always makes my heart skip a beat. That could be Sam or Dean, my best friends, my brothers.

“Yeah, I, um, heard about that. I’m really sorry. I know they were your good friends.” I said looking down at my food. Dean just huffed and took another bite. Obviously he didn’t want to talk about it, but you know Dean. Never one to get all touchy feely or show any signs of distress.

We quickly finished our meals and then my worst nightmare showed up. My eyes widened and my heart dropped to my knees. There he was sitting in the empty seat next to Sam. I’m just so excited Crowley showed up, said no one ever. But I had to plaster a straight face on and keep my head down. I couldn’t look at his smug face right now.

“You boys never told me you kept such beautiful company.” He said with a smirk, I just rolled my eyes.

“I told you not to flatter me.” I said flatly, as I stared at my empty plate. I heard him chuckle wildly and I just sighed. I’m so glad I’m amusing to him.

“Yes, well, flattery is my forte, sweetheart.” I cringed at that word, scrunching up my face. Yuck, he could really not go without the name calling. “Anyways, Lads, we should really hit the road. I got that lead you were looking for.” He said cryptically, as I breathed a sigh of relief. Finally let’s go and leave this demon.

“Yeah, fine.” Dean said shortly and I looked over at him. “Just gotta drop Princess off at home and we can go.” He said with a smirk and I punched him in the arm playfully.

“The name calling has been fun and all, but let’s go.” I said quickly, as I shot up out of the seat. I started walking out the door, as everyone followed. I turned around and Crowley was actually walking with us. I really hoped he would just pop out of here and leave me be. But I wasn’t so lucky, I had a feeling he wanted to ride with us. But why would he, probably to just be annoying. And I was right, he did join us, and I bet he could see the scowl on my face. I tried to look out the window, but I felt him close to me. Sam and Dean were in an intense conversation in the front seat and weren’t paying attention to him. So I think that’s why he chose this exact moment to jump on me.

I felt his hand rest on my upper leg and I jumped. I looked over at him in surprise, as that smirk played on his lips. He leaned over, letting his breaths hit my neck and whispered to me.

“Remember what I said, Princess, I’ll be back.” He said, as he grazed his lips over my cheek. I couldn’t move, I was frozen, and I couldn’t speak. “You’ll remember that, won’t you, darling?” He asked, as a spark of evil shot through his eyes. It was a spark that played in his eyes and as soon as it appeared, it disappeared. I just shook my head up in down in fear. God damnit why couldn’t he just forget about me? He patted my leg and scooted back over to his side. “That’s a good girl.” He whispered, as he winked at me. Of course I continued to stare at him like an idiot. He knew he had me scared, he knew what he was doing.

After that encounter with him, I didn’t see him for another year or so. To be quite honest, I tried to push him to the back of my mind. It was kind of like forgetting about him, but not really. I knew he was still out there, hoping he was dead, but I knew he wasn’t. Sam and Dean never found out about our affair, but they did warn me. They warned me about how dangerous Crowley had gotten. That if I ever saw him again to run and never stop. They said spray holy water on him, stab him, anything. Because he was the new King of Hell and he was ruthless. And I heeded their warning to no end, I tried to protect myself, but he still found a way in. And that day was the day I truly saw him for what he was. I truly saw the evil that illuminated from him and to say I was scared that day would be an understatement. That’s the day my life changed forever, that’s the day he took me and he never let me go.


	4. Crowley's Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley's back and out for revenge. The Winchesters won't quit pursuing him, trying to stop him from opening Purgatory. And he knows exactly who to use for leverage, Lorna.

A lot had changed in the year in a half that I had seen Crowley. I still lived in the same house, but I had a new house guest. Well not a house guest, more like a live in boyfriend. And I was happier then I had ever been. He made my little heart flutter with joy and turn my stomach into knots. He was the yin to my yang, the love to my bug. Well, I mean, you get it. I enjoyed his company and he actually enjoyed mine. I confided in him about my past, my parents, and my friends. He was freaked out at first about monsters being real, but I reassured him it was nothing to worry about. That there were people out there that protected us all.

That day started like any other day. Well except I was off of work for the first time in a long time and we were planning an outing. Kyle, my boyfriend, was taking me to a local beach. We were taking a picnic and I was excited, because I knew what he had planned. He was actually going to ask me to marry him. To say I was excited, well that didn’t even cover it. I was jittery as shit and I couldn’t hide my excitement. Because, again, I’m terrible at hiding things and I had tried all week to act normal.

That morning I just walked around in my swimming suit, as I got everything ready. I was tried to remember everything Kyle had asked me to pack, but my memory sucked. I quickly remembered that Kyle had written a list out for me, bless his heart. He honestly knew me too well. So I sauntered over to the island in the kitchen and leaned against it. My hip bones touched the edge of the counter, as I peered at the list. I hummed a tune out loud, as I shook my bum a little. I was having fun and I felt so good.

But then I smelled it and I stopped dead in my tracks. Heavy amounts of sulfur floated through the room. My heart began to beat erratically, as my breaths got heavier. It was him and I knew it. He had finally shown back up and I was about to face my worst fear. I licked my lips nervously, as I felt a body press up against the back of mine. He forcefully pinned me up against the island counter.

“Hello, Princess.” He whispered in my ear. I looked down, as his hands rested beside mine on the counter. I couldn’t see his face, but I could tell who it was. I knew exactly who stood way too close to me.

“Crowley.” I whispered. His chest rattled against my back, as a chuckle fell out of his throat.

“Say it again, Love, I love it when you say my name.” He whispered, as his breaths hit my neck. I swallowed hard and tried to seem tough.

“What are you doing here?” I meekly asked and his lips ghosted on my ear.

“Didn’t I always say I’d be back? And I think I came at the right time. You should dress up, well, undress for me like this every time.” He whispered again and he quickly moved his hand off the counter. And he of course moved it to my exposed abdomen. He lightly dragged his fingertips across my skin. He caused goose bumps to erupt all over my stomach. He tried to make me uncomfortable, as he laid small kisses on my neck. And he was doing a good job at it. I wanted to squirm away, but I couldn’t. Not with him there, he had me trapped. I was about to bat him off, but then something terrible happened.

“Hey, Lo, you almost done?!” I heard Kyle shout from the upstairs and I began to panic. Crowley abruptly stopped everything he was doing to me and huffed. I whipped my head toward his voice. That’s the last thing I wanted to happen, to have Kyle get hurt. He seriously chose the absolute wrong time to yell at me. I felt Crowley’s hand frantically grab the back of my neck and he squeezed hard. He dug his meaty fingers into the muscles that lined my spine. I cringed in pain, as I groaned loudly. My eyes closed instantly and he growled in my ear.

“Who’s upstairs, Lorna?” He asked aggressively, purposefully putting more pressure on the small of my neck. I tried to shake my head back and forth.

“It’s no one; honest, just don’t hurt him.” I begged and Crowley growled louder.

“Who. Is. It. Lorna!” He said, as his voice slowly escalated louder with each word. I took in a sigh, as a tear escaped my eye. God it hurt so bad what he was doing. I could feel his fingers digging in; it felt like he was touching my spine. I licked my lips and gave in. What else could I do? I couldn’t fight him, he would kill me. But would he kill Kyle? Hopefully with me telling the truth he wouldn’t. But I should have known, I really should have known. Like a demon would even bat an eyelash at killing someone. It was a sport to them really, especially to Crowley.

  
“It’s my boyfriend.” I pathetically gasped out. And in that moment I truly felt pathetic. I just ratted out the man I loved, to a former one night stand. But worse than just a one night stand, a mother fucking demon, I mean seriously?

He loosened his grip slightly, but still hung on. He pushed himself into my body hard, causing my hips bones to hit the counter. I could tell there was going to be major bruising, because he wasn’t be gentle. It was almost as if he was getting turned on by my pain, grinding himself into me. If I wasn’t careful he was going to take me right then and there. Willingly or not, he was going to have me.

“Now, that wasn’t so hard now was it?” He asked in my ear again. His tone was calm, but dangerous. I could feel his anger radiating off of him. “Now call him down here, let’s meet this boy.” He said and I freaked out. Why the fuck couldn’t he just leave him alone? He had nothing to do with whatever was going on. I didn’t know why he was here again, but it obviously wasn’t for more of me. He wanted something, something having to do with business.

“No please, Crowley, he doesn’t have anything to do with this.” I begged again, as his grip got even tighter on my neck. I cried out in pain, as he huffed.

“Oh, Lorna, I said I wanted to meet him. Don’t make me go up there and get him myself. You wouldn’t much like the end result.” He said softly into my ear and I licked my lips nervously.

“F-Fine.” I stuttered, as he loosened his grip. I breathed heavily, as I looked down at the counter. I was full of shame for what I was about to do. I was basically leading him into a death trap, but If I didn’t I’d be killed. And then he’d be killed anyways, because he wouldn’t stop with just me. I took a solid deep breath.

“Uh, Kyle, can you come here for a sec. I need some help.” I shouted loudly, as Crowley continued to grind into me. I felt his nose running up and down my neck and shoulder. He probably smelled the fear and anxiety running off of me. He was enjoying this and it was disgusting. And he was probably doing all of this just to get a rise out of Kyle. Because Kyle was not the type to hold himself back. If he saw Crowley doing what he was doing at this moment, he would flip his shit. And that’s exactly what happened when he walked down the stairs.

“Hey, Babe, what did you—hey what the fuck?” He yelled loudly and I just looked at him with pleading eyes. “You get your hands off of her!” He yelled again, as he ran at Crowley. Crowley just chuckled in amusement.

“It’s adorable that you think you can protect her.” Crowley said mockingly, as I felt him nod his head.

“Boys.” He said, as two demons appeared and grabbed onto Kyle. He fought with all his might. Punching one demon and then punching the other, but it was futile. They beat him to a bloody pulp and I couldn’t even recognize him. His nose bled profusely, he eyes were swollen shut, and I could hear his groans of pain. And the worst part of it all is Crowley forced me to watch. He made my eyes focus on the vicious beating and I couldn’t stop it. And this was his first step in breaking me down. He wanted to break me down to nothing, so I felt like nothing. So I felt like I was nobody, he wanted to make me miserable. Make me feel worthless and in the end he got his wish. And then out of nowhere his anger came through and he became more violent with me. He was vicious and I could tell by the force of the push.

He forcefully pushed the side of my face hard into the counter and I screamed out in pain. My head basically bounced off of the granite and it didn’t feel good. It sent shock waves of pain through my skull, penetrating my brain. It sent lightning bolts of anguish to my cheek. It honestly felt like he broke my cheek bone, because I defiantly heard a crunch. If it didn’t swell, I would be surprised. I tried to stay calm, but at this point it was impossible. I was a blubbering mess. I was so far bent over the counter that my tippy toes ghosted over the hardwood floors. He put his hand on the top of my head and pushed down.

“Now, Lorna, I’ve come here on some business. And I need your help, darling. I hope I don’t need to persuade you any further?” He asked, as he pushed on my head even harder. I whimpered slightly and closed my eyes. My breathing was getting out of control and I just shook my head. I had to give in, I had to help. I didn’t want to, my mind was screaming at me. But it hurt so bad, the pain was making my decision easier for him.

“What do you need?” I whispered meekly, as tears fell onto the counter. He chuckled softly, mocking me and I wanted to slap him. I really wanted to hurt him at this point, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t even move.

“The Winchesters. They’ve really become a thorn in my side. They need to be taught a lesson and you my dear are what I like to call leverage.” He said, as he roughly moved my arms behind my back. I was freaking out now, because I knew what he was doing. As soon as I felt the cool metal wrapping around my wrists, I knew what was going on. Handcuffs, he seriously put handcuffs on me. “Where’s your phone, Lorna, we need to make a call.” He said, as he slid my body off the counter, holding onto the handcuffs he put on me. He pushed me along into the living room. I looked down at the floor and sighed.

“It’s over there charging.” I said through light sobs. I nodded toward an end table that sat next to the couch. We walked over there and he yanked my phone off of the charger. He continued to push me over to an oversized chair and he forced me to sit on his lap. He pulled my body close to his, wrapping an arm around my body. His fingers played with my hip bone and I just looked away. I tried to put my mind a million miles away from here. The two demons brought Kyle over to the couch across the way and propped him up. My eyes shifted to meet his gaze. I could barely see his pupils, but I knew he was looking at me. I heard Crowley frantically messing with my phone, going through my contacts.

“Ah, there’s the bloody number I need. Now listen up, darling, don’t try anything stupid. You tell them to put it on speaker phone and I’ll do the rest.” He said, as I looked at his wickedly, evil face. I just nodded in compliance and sighed. More tears fell on my face and I heard him sigh.

“Now, now, darling, those tears don’t suit you. You’re too pretty to cry. So come on, cheer up. Do what you’re told and you’re free to go.” He said, as he wiped the tears from my face and I just looked down. I nodded my head and I heard the phone start dialing Dean’s number.

“Lo! Long time no talk.” I heard Dean express happily and I sighed. Crowley eyed me sternly and I leaned down toward the phone.

“Hey, Dean! Good to hear from you too. Listen I need to talk to you guys. Speakerphone?” I talked fast, trying to cover up my quivering voice. Crowley leaned forward and nipped at my jawline, as he groaned. He finally made it up to my ear and took my lobe in between his teeth.

“Mmm, that’s a good girl. Good girl, Lorna.” He whispered, as his breaths were heavy. I just nodded and he began loudly sucking on my neck. He was fully taking advantage of my defenselessness. I couldn’t do anything to get him off of me. If it was up to him, we probably would have screwed right there.

“Hey, Lo, we’re on speaker. What’s going on?” Dean asked suspiciously and I sighed. I could feel Crowley smile against my skin and he abruptly sat back in the seat. Adjusting his body and dragging me back onto his very prominent member. I just tried to make my mind go away, I knew what Crowley would want after this and I wanted no part of it.

“Hello, Boys.” Crowley said smoothly, as he smirked wildly.

“Crowley, you son of a bitch!” I heard Dean yell manically through the phone. I heard his tires screeching loudly, like he had abruptly stopped the Impala. “Don’t you dare touch her!” He shouted and Crowley chuckled softly.

“You’re too late, Boys, I already have and she was wonderful. You ever had her Dean? Hmm? But anyways, this is a business call, boys. I don’t discuss my sexual activities. ” Crowley said smugly and I could hear Dean’s rage through the phone. His ragged breathes were off the charts and I heard Sam chime in too.

“What do you want, Crowley?” Sam asked more calmly than Dean would of. Crowley tilted his head and brought the phone closer to his mouth.

“Back off. She won’t get hurt provided you and Jolly green stand down.” He said, talking straight to Dean.

“I’m going to kill you.” Dean said and I could tell he was saying it through gritted teeth. He was so angry and hot headed. Crowley just chuckled and shook his head.

“Oh Dean, ever the wit, but let me tell you how this goes. I'm keeping her until I'm satisfied that you've backed the hell off!” He practically yelled into the phone.

“Last chance, Crowley, to let her go easily.” Dean said trying to be threating.

“You're adorable when you get all threatening. Don't worry, I won't hurt her. You and Moose stand down and I won’t have to move on to plan B, as well. Because there are more people I got up my sleeve. So stand down!! Got it? Splendid. Kisses.” He said, not giving Dean a chance to answer and he hung up my phone. I sighed, as he crushed my phone in his hands. He sat there motionless for a minute, as his anger boiled over. But for some reason he was able to calm himself down. He jerked his head toward mine and smirked.

“Alright, darling, we’re going on a little field trip. Up, up.” He said, as he patted my bare legs and I got up off of him. “Boys, you know what to do.” He said dangerously, as he grabbed me by the arms. I was freaking out at this point. They knew what to do? What the fuck were they about to do? I looked around frantically, but he stopped that. He forced me to stand in front of him and he pulled my back side close to his front. He put a hand under my chin and forced me to watch the most horrific thing I’ve ever seen. I won’t go into the specific details, but, they, uh mutilated Kyle. They did it right in front of me. I screamed and yelled, but it did nothing. It just excited Crowley even more. My screams and yells echoed through the house.

“No witnesses, you understand that right, darling?” He told me and I glared at him hard. Tears streamed down my face and I couldn’t even stand to look at him. I quickly dropped my gaze to the floor and sighed. I didn’t know where he was about to take me, but I knew it was bad.

And then we were gone and I never saw my home again. The home I worked so hard for my whole life to afford. The home I built my normal life in and in one second, he ruined it. The hate I felt for him was strong, it ran through my veins like a poison. If I ever got a chance I was going to kill him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohhh Crowley you bastard. Lol Hope you enjoyed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley comes back to save Lorna after being released from the Winchester's bunker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll admit this chapter is pretty heavy. But being in captivity isn't a vacation, especially when Crowley's the prison guard. So..yeah that's my warning, but I promise everything will get better.

I was afraid, but I had to keep strong. I had to keep my head up and take what I could. He said that when they came for me, it would be all over, but he lied. He lied to me, but what should have I expected? I should have known that he would lie to me. Who knew if he planned it the whole time or if it was a spur of the moment? I sure didn’t, but all I knew is he locked me into a room. And for a prisoner, I guess it was an ok room. But I understood why it was like that later.

It was set up like a bedroom. Nice King sized bed, some bookshelves, a lamp, but no windows. It was simple, but I had to make the best of it. There was no escape for me, no window to climb out of. All I had was the one door that separated the room from the hallway and it was always locked. It always had guards that stood outside.

It was honestly the worst three years of my life. I was stuck in a room and I only got visits from him. And other demons who fed me, but they weren’t allowed to talk to me. He would come and see me, get what he wanted, and leave. He never beat me, but what he did was far worse. He caused me emotional, physical, and mental distress. But when all that started, I shut myself off. I detached my emotions and my feelings. I let them go out the door, the moment I stepped into that room. Because I knew deep down, I knew what I was truly there for. I knew when he couldn’t keep his hands to himself at my home, that’s what he really wanted me there for. He always told me, that I was special and I should feel privileged. Privileged for what? I wasn’t privileged; he just wanted to build it up like that. Like, I should feel good that he was actually attracted to me? He said demons don’t really do this with humans, but he had to be lying. Because good God he loved to do it.

And that’s why he had a plan B. And that Plan B was Lisa and Ben. He took them too to motivate them to back off and that’s who Sam and Dean eventually came for. They didn’t come for me, no one did. But later I learned why nobody cared, because he made sure they didn’t. He manipulated them into thinking I was already dead. That I died a long time ago. And that’s why no one cared, because was the only thing to know I still existed.

He tried to convince me that they truly didn’t care and I was better off without them. That the best place for me was locked in a room and after you hear it for so long, you begin to believe it. He made me feel worthless, unloved, and the only person for me was him. And that’s how he got me. He broke me down to nothing, so he could be there for me. So he could be the only thing that I could rely on. And in all reality, he was the only thing to rely on. Because he was the only thing I spoke to, but after a while I quit talking. Because what was the point? What was the point in talking when my voice didn’t matter? He didn’t want to hear what I had to say, so I just gave up. I gave up on myself and in reality I could have died. I wouldn’t have cared and I’m sure nobody else would have either.

But after a while he quit showing up all together. But it was abrupt, like something bad had happened. I mean, I didn’t mind that he quit showing up, it gave me some peace. But then the demon guards picked up right where he left off, except they were physically abusive. They whipped me, beat me, and I felt every one of those hits. It was truly the only pain I could feel and it was fun to them. To see me cringe and wither in pain was exciting to them. But lucky for me, they weren’t as frequent as Crowley. Which I was thankful for, but I always feared when they came in. They had a devilish look in their eyes and malice in their voices.

They stripped any kind of decency I had. They took my sheets, my pillows, my blankets, and my clothes. So I was nothing and it was terrible. They barely fed me, maybe a meal a day. But that was if I was lucky. And sometimes, I think they even slipped something in the soup or sandwich they gave me. Because after I ate, I was a vegetable. I could hear what was going on around me, but I couldn’t move. I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t fight, and I couldn’t do anything worthwhile. Honestly, I just wanted them to kill me already, like they had done to everyone else. There were other prisoners there and I heard all of their deaths. Horrific screams had echoed through the hallways. That’s how they tortured me too. They forced me to listen as other’s died. And they always held it above my head. “We could kill you in an instant. So be good bitch.” That’s what they would say to me.

They repeatedly told me that the King was dead and no one knew who I was. And this is why I was so broken. Why I was so battered and useless. If I ever got out of there alive, I wouldn’t know how to function in society. I wouldn’t know who to talk to a person, because after a year or two of silence, you forget how to talk.

And in the time he was gone, I was slowly dying. And when he finally came back, I was on my last leg. My last breaths, my last heartbeats and that’s when he saved me. I honestly didn’t know why, again I wish he would have just killed me. Just spared me the agony of rebuilding a life, but he didn’t. It seemed to me that he actually cared at that moment. And that leads me to this moment, when he saved me.

I heard frantic footsteps approaching my room’s door. But I couldn’t move, I had just eaten a few hours earlier and they laced it with something. I heard the keys as they jiggled and then the door swung open. I could tell through my eyelids that the room was pitch black and then in an instant it was light. I hadn’t seen light in months. I heard the footsteps, as they got closer to me. And whoever it was gave heavy breaths and I could tell they were upset. I was lying on the bed with my legs out straight and my arms crossed over my stomach.

“Oh bloody hell, Lorna, not you too.” He said softly in disbelief and it almost seemed like he was sad. But in an instant I recognized the voice. It was Crowley, he had come back. But wait, I thought he was dead? I felt the bed dip down and he sighed. He had sat on the edge of the bed and I barely felt his backside, as it touched me.

“This wasn’t supposed to happen to you.” He whispered and I felt the bed shift again. He had scooted further toward me and I felt his fingers on my neck, as he checked for a pulse. “Fuck.” He said frantically and in an instant he propped up my body against his. But I was dead weight; I couldn’t control my body at all. My neck dropped my head back onto his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around me and leaned my head against his. He actually tried to be gentle with me.

“Lorna, darling, can you hear me?” He asked in a whisper and I wanted to scream. I wanted to shake my head, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t move, but at least he knew I was alive, but barely. He sighed heavily and I felt his breath hit my body. “Lorna, come on, I know you’re in there.” He whispered in desperation, as he lightly tapped my cheek. I could feel the light tap, but I couldn’t move. “Come on, Love, just wake up for me. Let me save you.” He whispered again.

That threw me off. He wanted to save me? At least one of us did. He sighed again and I felt him take my hand. His thumb gently caressed the top side of my hand and it felt weird. I actually got my hand to twitch in response and in that moment he stopped.

“You hear me?” He whispered in my ear again and with all my might I squeezed his hand again. I could feel the smile envelope his lips and he kissed my cheek. “Good girl.” He whispered again, like he was excited that I had responded.

“Lorna, I want to ask you some questions. One squeeze for yes, two for no, got it, darling?” He whispered and I squeezed his hand with no effort.

“Lorna, did the guards keep you like this?” He asked and I squeezed his hand once. I felt him hang his head and he shook it. It was like he was ashamed of what had happened. But what the hell did he care? He’s the one who brought me here in the first place.

“Bloody prats, I told them to keep you alive and well. Not barely alive and clearly not well. Lorna, I’m sorry. This is not how it was supposed to go. I was supposed to have come back.” He said with sadness in his voice. Was he seriously sad about this? Honestly, from the way he talked he was different. He seemed changed somehow and I didn’t know why.

My body was trembling at this point; I could feel the cold as it hit my skin. But I was used to it by now. I was always cold, you know with no clothes or blankets. And apparently he could feel it, because in an instant I felt a blanket on me. It was a weird sensation to have something like that on my skin. My skin hadn’t felt anything like that in a long time. So to show my appreciation, I gave his hand a squeeze. I heard him give a breathy laugh and he sighed.

“Darling, do they come in here often? I’ve been all over the building. I haven’t seen one guard.” I wanted to shake my head. They only came maybe three times a week, but I seriously didn’t know why. Why did they even bother to come anymore? I didn’t know, maybe I was entertainment to them. So with any energy I had left, I held three fingers in the air. But barely, I mean I couldn’t hold them up for long. He ran his fingers over them, as he traced the skin on my fingers, and sighed.

“Three times a week?” He asked and I dropped my fingers and barely squeezed his hand again. He sighed heavily again and I felt his lips on my shoulder. But he didn’t kiss me like he used to, he just rested them there. I felt his ragged breaths on my shoulder and it seemed to me, that he was upset. Like at any point he could cry, but that’s impossible. He’s a demon and they don’t cry.

“You think they’ll come soon?” He asked against my shoulder. I squeezed his hand once. They fed me and drugged me today, they should be back soon. They always came back for their fun. He sighed again and nodded against my skin.

“Don’t worry, Lorna, when they come back, they are dead. I’ll make sure of that. They’ll pay for everything they’ve done to you.” He said with a hint of revenge in his voice. I wanted to roll my eyes, but I couldn’t. I wanted to scoff at him, but I couldn’t. What the hell did he care? I mean seriously, I didn’t get it. I mean in the future when he explained things to me, I got it. But at this point I was more confused than ever. He was going to kill these bastards for me? Could he tell what they had done to me?

I’m sure I didn’t look pretty. Everything in my body ached, especially my back. I knew I had lesions, scars, scabs, scratches, and multiple bruises all over me. I didn’t know how badly though, because I always sat in the dark. I hadn’t looked at myself in years. But I gave him the thumbs up, to show I greatly approved of their murders. I felt him smile against my skin, as he interlaced his fingers with mine. He held on tight and just held me.

“If you had more strength, love, I hand the blade over to you and let you do the killing.” He whispered and I squeezed his hand again. I would love to see the life drain out of their bodies. After everything that had happened, I wanted to be the one to kill them. And soon I’d be able to see it, because after an hour or two of waiting. They showed up and boy did they have a surprise!


	6. I'm finally out

I could feel the heat, as it radiated off of Crowley’s body. It had felt so good to feel the heat. Even though I still hated him and wished he was dead. Especially for what he had done to me, but what his guards did, was much worse. It was still nice to have someone there. And in that moment, it seemed like he cared. So I took what I could get. I needed the mercy and peace that he provided me.

It had been an hour or so since he had last spoken to me. But that was alright, I didn’t need to hear his words, because I was used to the silence. The silence had comforted me for so long and I was used to it. I didn’t need noise. But I could still feel his breaths on me, his arm was still draped around me, and he still held my hand. So I knew he was still there and I felt safe. I felt safe from the guards, who could show up at any minute. I was finally safe from any harm that was about to come. Unless Crowley had something in store for me, but I figured he didn’t. He would have killed me the moment he saw me, if he wanted me dead.

I could feel my body slowly, as it started to come back to me. I started to wiggle my toes a little, but nothing major. I still couldn’t move major muscles, like the ones in my neck. My finger’s twitched around his, as I tried to regain more muscle movement. I wanted to open my eyes so I could look at him. I wanted him to know that I was still here, but he probably figured I was.

“Can you open your eyes yet?” He whispered in my ear and I squeezed his hand twice for ‘No’. I heard him sigh. I didn’t think he knew why I was like this. Besides being weak, he probably didn’t know about the drugs.

“Did they drug you? Is this why you can’t move?” He asked in a soft voice, as his breaths still hit my shoulder. I squeezed his hand once, for ‘Yes’ and I felt him sigh again. It was like he was sad again that they had done this to me. “Even for demon standards, that crosses the line.” He whispered with agitation. Again, I didn’t really understand him. But I was glad he was there to hopefully take me away. Maybe let me go home? A girl could dream.

And then I heard their heavy footsteps, as they came down the hallway. Their loud voices echoed through the room, as they stood on the outside of the door. Crowley abruptly shifted, as he scooted his body off of the bed. He carefully laid my body back into the bed and ran his fingers through my hair. Which I’m sure wasn’t a treat for him, if you considered that I hadn’t showered in months. But he continued to do it until, his fingers softly cascaded down my face and stopped on my cheek. He softly made circles with his fingers and I heard him sigh.

“Listen, I’m going to be in the corner. I won’t let them hurt you, but I need to be a surprise.” He softly whispered in my ear. I gave him the thumbs up and I heard him give a breathy laugh, as he captured my hand once more. He slowly squeezed my hand before I heard him walk away. Through my eyelids I saw the lights flicker off and I was in darkness again. I sighed, as I heard the door open and heavy footsteps entered the room. Light conversation was still held between the three, as they approached the bed.

It sounded like the usual three that came in, but it was odd for them to be together. It was usually just one at a time, but that’s ok. Today was the perfect day for them to all show up, but only because of Crowley. It would be a chance for him to take them all down at once. And I couldn’t wait to hear their cries for mercy. I couldn’t wait to hear them die, to suffer just like I had. And I know that sounds cruel, but that’s just how I had become. But who wouldn’t want the men who tortured them for months dead. I couldn’t be that weird, right?

I heard one of them chuckle. “Hello, bitch, you ready for this? I know I am.” I heard him say, as he slapped me across the face. My head instantly flew to the side and my mouth instinctively fell open, as my eyebrows furrowed. I should have been use to the pain, but that one caught me by surprise. My face ached and tingled. It felt like I had been stung by a thousand bees.

“Alright that’s it, lads, I promised her I wouldn’t let you hurt her. And would you look at that? You did. Time to die.” I heard Crowley growl from the corner, but I couldn’t hear what the three men did. So with all my might I popped my eyes open and looked frantically around the room. I looked toward Crowley who had his hand held in the air. His face was contorted into what I could have described as pure evil. His teeth were gritted together, as loud growls of anger fell out of this throat.

So with my last bit of strength, I quickly pushed my head to the other side and just in time. The three of them withered in pain together. Like he had telepathically murdered them and then they fell to the floor. I pulled myself closer to the edge of the bed and looked at them on the floor. All three of their bodies were spurting blood everywhere, as they seized. Their bodies violently shook, as loud gasps escaped their mouths. I smiled; I mean I actually smiled for the first time in a long time. And I thought I was crazy in that moment. I mean who actually smiles when something like that dies? But I did, because they were bastards. And they deserved every ounce of pain they got.

I could still hear Crowley as he growled, but I didn’t have the strength to look back at him. I just focused my eyes at the horrific murder in front of me. And then as quickly as it happened, it was over. They were dead.

“I hope that was to your satisfaction?” Crowley asked, as I felt the bed dip down again. I carefully rolled my head back over and looked up at him. He hovered right above my face, which kind of scared me at first. But I had to remind myself, that he just helped me. I looked him right in the eyes and I saw a genuine smile cross his lips. I shook my head ‘Yes’ and gave him the thumbs up.

“Well I’m glad and it’s nice to see your eyes. They were always so beautiful.” He said and I rolled my eyes. There he was, the same ‘ole Crowley. He always tried to flatter me. He sighed heavily and held out his arms.

“Are you ready to leave here? You never have to come back.” I shook my head again and he placed his arms under my body. I had gotten kind of nervous, as he touched me like that. I didn’t know if he could sense it or not, but he tried to soothe me.

“I won’t hurt you, but you obviously can’t walk. So holding you like this is the best option.” He said, as he dragged my body across the bed and hoisted me up against him. He held me bridal style and I leaned my head against his shoulder. But only because I still couldn’t hold it up very well.

I just don’t want you to get the wrong idea about him and me at this point. In no way, shape, or form was I his friend. I still didn’t like him, but I had to go along with him. I had to follow what he said, because he just saved me from a nightmare. Granted, it was the nightmare he put me in, but still. He ended the six months of horrendous torture. And I had to at least respect him for that. And not only respect him for that, but everything he had just done for me. I mean he sat with me for two hours and he held me. He didn’t try anything with me, he didn’t torture me. So I had to give him something for that. But still, not friends, not anything. If anything, I was just another prisoner to him.

“Alright, Lorna, this might feel weird. You might want to close those beautiful eyes again.” He said with a smirk and I rolled my eyes. See? No matter what the situation he always tried to flatter me. He chuckled at me, but I did what he said. I tightly shut my eyes and buried my face into his shoulder.

I understood why he said it might feel weird, because he was defiantly right. My guess is that he zapped us out of the room. It felt like my body floated through the air, as a thousand needles penetrated my skin. It made my whole body quiver, as I lay in his arms. And as soon as I felt it had started, it stopped.

“It’s ok, we’re here.” He said softly, as my body still quivered. He ran his fingers through my hair and sighed.

“You’re not going to be happy about this.” He said and I opened my eyes. I unburied my face from his shoulder and looked up at him. His eyes looked sad, as he looked into my eyes. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. I felt him sit us down and he sighed.

“Lorna, you need to bathe.” He said unenthusiastically, he kind of cringed. My body stiffened immediately. I mean I knew I needed to bathe, because I hadn’t in so long. But it sounded like he needed to tell me more, like something I wouldn’t like.

“But you, um, you can’t do it alone, darling, you’re too weak. You’d drown.” I knew what he meant then, he was the only thing around. My eyes widened and I shook my head back and forth. I didn’t want him to see me like that, be with me like that. That was the last thing I wanted. He just sighed, as he stared into my eyes. I just continued to stare at him and he could see the fear in my eyes. Well, he could probably smell my anxiety and fear too.

“Listen, I won’t hurt you or do anything to you. I’ve brought you this far, I’m not going to let you just die in a bathtub. You understand?” He asked and I looked away toward the wall. I just nodded my head in compliance.

I wanted to get clean, but this was not my ideal way to get clean. He sighed heavily, as he got up with me in his arms. I looked back over his shoulder and saw the large tub. God it was huge! It seriously could have fit 15 people. I wonder who the hell he’s had in there. He suddenly dropped my body into a chair and knelt down in front of me. He adjusted the blanket around me, as my head dropped toward my chest. I still didn’t have good control over it, these drugs always lasted for at least 12 hours or so I thought. I didn’t really have a good grasp on time.

“I’ll wear shorts, do you want that?” He asked politely and I nodded. That was actually a great idea. I didn’t want to feel that all over me. At least he had been polite with me, which again, was really weird to me. I know I can’t stop saying that, but seriously? He’s supposed to be the King of Hell, what the hell was he doing being so nice? He had actually been considerate of my feelings. It honestly just threw me off, but whatever.

He flashed a halfhearted half smile, before he stepped out of the room. I was scared, yes, but then there was nothing. I tried to turn myself off again. I tried to keep my emotions and feelings in line. If he was going to do something to me, there was no way I could stop it. I couldn’t fight him off, just like before.

I heard his bare feet hit the tile floor, as he approached me. My head still hung, as my greasy hair flailed in front of my face. He knelt down again and quickly tucked it behind me ears. I closed my eyes and he sighed.

“I know this is probably hard for you and I get it, love. I really do. After everything that I….and they put you through. I…….I.” And he stopped. I shifted my eyes up to look at him and he hung his head. He looked like he was full of shame. Like he really regretted what he had done to me. I wish I could have spoken at that point.

“You’ll just be ok. Ok?” He asked and I nodded my head. He nodded his head and held out his hand. “I’m going to pick you up again, ok?” I just nodded and he picked me up, blanket and all. He carefully walked over to the edge of the giant tile encased tub and looked down at me.

“Are you ready?” He asked, as I shook my head. “I’m going to lower your feet to the floor, let you stand. I’ll have a hold of you, so don’t be afraid.” I just nodded again; as he slowly let me legs fall to the floor. The cold tile floor sent cold chills through my whole body, as the blanket slowly fell to the ground. I just hung my head in shame. It felt like his eyes were all over me, but I think that was just my paranoia.

“And now I’m going to lift you into the tub. Are you ok?” He asked with concern and I just nodded again.

No I wasn’t fine, really. But I needed this bath; maybe it would help my aching muscles. I looked down into the tub and the water had already filled up. I didn’t even notice that he had run the water. But when my toes hit the water, oh my god, it felt amazing. It was hot, but not too hot. But then again, it felt really weird. Have you ever had a cast on a limb for so long and then you finally get it off? And the feeling you get when the wind crosses it after it’s off. That’s the feeling my feet felt, then my whole body. I hadn’t been submerged in water in months.

Eventually we were sitting in the tub and he had ahold of me. My body rested between his legs and my head rested on his chest. Again, he didn’t try anything and I actually felt safe. The water felt great and it was nice to see a different room than the one I had been in. I mean this was the first time I had been out of that room in three years.

So to make it quick, he helped me wash up and it was nice. I actually had clean hair and if that’s not heaven, I don’t know what is. Because clean hair makes you feel 20 times better and man did I. The warm water even helped my muscles and I was able to lift my arms. Life defiantly had improved in that last 24 hours. I just hoped that it would continue on this upward slope. But I didn’t really know what he had in store for me. I just hoped it wasn’t bad. I hoped he wasn’t going to use me for anything. But I had no idea what I was in store for. Maybe I could get a semi-normal life, well as normal as I could get living with a demon.


	7. My Reflection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I apologize I'm not the best with grammar or writing. But I hope you enjoy anyways. And thanks for reading if you are.

I had just gotten out of the bath, and I had actually felt good. Well, a little awkward too, but good. I didn’t know where I could go from here, like what he had in store for me. I hoped it wasn't anything bad.But he had set me in the same chair in the bathroom and wrapped me in a large towel. He had just left the room in search of clothes for me. Which was really weird, I hadn’t worn clothes in months.

The muscles in my body had fully come back. I could move everything again and it was wonderful. I was still weak from the lack of food and water. But I was happy that I felt it again. I slowly lifted my head, as it had dropped again and looked around the room. It was a plain white bathroom, didn’t look fancy or anything, but it worked. And I probably should have kept my head down, but I couldn’t. I wanted to look at my new surroundings, but I seriously should have stopped. And when my eyes hit my own reflection in the mirror in front of me, I should have just backed away. But I couldn’t stop looking.

My jaw immediately fell open, as breathes hitched in my throat. My eyes examined my bruised face. And it wasn’t just bruised, but I had cuts and scabs everywhere. I quickly closed my jaw and licked my lips. I looked terrible. I didn’t even look like the same person anymore. I could feel my breaths, as they got quicker and heavier. I could feel the adrenaline, as it coursed through my veins. And somehow I had suddenly pulled myself to my feet. I stood up for the first time in months, but I couldn’t feel the pain in my limbs. I inched closer to the mirror, as my feet shuffled on the floor. I never took my gaze off of my reflection and I saw how truly disgusting I looked. And without a second thought I had pulled my body onto the large counter. I sat in front of the mirror and I was inches from my reflection. My hot breaths hit the mirror and I was shocked.

My hands floated to my face, as my fingers traced the deep lacerations and scars that lined my cheeks. They were everywhere, deep red with puffy skin. I had several thick, white scars that lay above my eyes and on my cheeks. They were ugly, they made me ugly, and I was flooded with emotion. I could feel the tears forming in my eyes for the first time in years.

I moved my hand down my arm and got even more disgusted. More scars, more bruises, more scabs, and they were awful. They were huge and I couldn’t believe it. I mean, I knew I looked gross, but not this gross. I looked like a human punching bag, shit not even human. I looked like a former human. I probably should have been in a grave, because that’s where it looked like I belonged.

And then I did the worst possible thing for myself. I shifted my back toward the mirror and slowly let the towel drop off of it. And that was a mistake, because my back had caught the brunt of the abuse. This is where they would constantly whip me with their belts. And I knew there had to be something there, but I wasn’t prepared for what I was about to see.

I licked my lips, as my eyes fell on my back’s reflection. Thick, white, straight lined scars lined my whole back. It seemed like every inch of my back had a scar on it. But not only that, red puffy scratches lined it as well, they laid right on top of the scars. Did I even have skin on my back? Because it surely didn’t look like it to me, it looked like I was one big scar. And it didn’t surprise me, because my skin never had time to repair itself. Always another beating, it never failed. Like I said, I was entertainment to them, something they could vent their anger on.

And that’s when I felt the wetness of tears. They fell onto my face and cascaded down my cheeks. It was a weird thing to feel after so many years of holding them back. But I couldn’t right now, I couldn’t hold them back. I was finally to the ultimate breaking point and I couldn’t help it. I began to see white dots, as they danced in my eyes and my head felt heavy. This was just too much for me to take in.

But I tried to be strong, as I quickly pulled the towel around my body and turned my head toward the mirror. I examined my face again, as I wiped the tears off of my broken face. But it was useless, I couldn’t stop crying now. All the pain, all the torment, and all the emotional suppression had finally taken its toll.

And when my eyes shifted back to my reflection for the last time. I did what any person in my position would do. I balled up my hand into a fist and viciously punched the mirror. I punched it right where my face’s reflection was. I punched it so hard, that I could feel the pain radiating up my arm. But I ignored it, no matter how much it hurt, I ignored it. I punched it over and over, until the mirror cracked under my pressure. The mirror grew veins and it slowly started to spread throughout the whole mirror.

I could barely hear the grunts I made, as I gritted my teeth together. Tears still cascaded down my face, as my hand started to spurt blood everywhere, but I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop the punching, because I needed to do it. I needed to get rid of my pain, my ugliness. And apparently I had attracted Crowley’s attention, but I didn’t hear his heavy footsteps, as they came toward me. I only felt him, as he yanked my body of the counter and pulled the back of my body against his.

“Lorna, bloody hell, no!” He yelled, as he held my right wrist in the air. I heard him sigh, as my breaths were out of control. I still wanted to attack the mirror, so I lunged again, but he held me back.

“Lorna, you need to calm down.” He whispered softly into my ears, but I just continued to cry. I could feel the blood leaking down my arm, heading toward my elbow. I just shook my head back and forth; because I knew what I did was stupid. But I wasn’t in right mind and I was full of anger, full of pain. I had just lost myself for the first time in months.

“Come on now, Lorna, breath right.” He cooed at me, as he still held onto my wrist in the air. I just leaned my head back against his shoulder and tried to relax. I tried to calm myself down, but it was hard. I continued to lightly sob through closed eyes, as he sighed loudly.

“I apologize. I shouldn’t have put you in front of that. You weren’t ready for that.” He whispered apologetically and I just nodded. It wasn’t his fault, it was my fault. I had looked, I had checked myself out. It was my fault. Everything was my fault. Everything that ever happened to me was my fault. I was in this position, because of myself.

“Come on, let’s get you cleaned up. I’ve got some clothes for you. ” He said softly, as I nodded again. And for the first time I actually walked, no adrenaline needed. Well, he helped by holding my wrist in the air still, and he his other hand was placed on my waist.

He quickly walked me into the adjoining bedroom and sat me on the bed. He sat right beside me, but not too close. He kept my right hand in his hand, as he examined the wound. My eyes drifted to my hand and I saw my carnage. Blood laid in every nook and cranny of my hand. Three or four lacerations spread across my knuckles. And soft droplets of blood fell off my finger tips and into his lap. I heard him sigh, as his eyes scanned my hand. Honestly, I was surprised it didn’t hurt more. And I was surprised that I hadn’t broken it.

“You really did a number on your hand.” He said, as his eyes shifted toward mine. I just nodded and my face fell. I was full of shame. It was so stupid what I had just done, but I couldn’t hold it back. The anger and the pain had just built up too much. I shifted my eyes back up to his and sighed. I needed to tell him I was sorry, I didn’t want him to be angry with me. I didn’t know if he was going to hurt me or, I just didn’t know.

‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.’ I mouthed, I tried to get my voice to work, but I couldn’t. He shrugged his shoulders and sighed.

“Don’t be sorry, darling.” I just rolled my eyes and looked away. I felt his fingers running over my hand, as he examined it.

“Well the good news is you didn’t break it, but the _bleeding_.” He said softly and I looked back at him. The way he emphasized the word bleeding alarmed me. I raised my eyebrows, as I caught him eyeing my blood. His fingers stroked my blood soaked hand and I watched his eyes close. It was like he was trying to control himself and I was confused. I saw his tongue dart out of his mouth, as he ran it along his lips. And I wanted to pull my hand away, but I couldn’t. I was frozen, as I watched his odd reaction. It’s like he wanted it, like he wanted to stick my fingers in his mouth and drink it. That really scared me, but again I was frozen. But as soon as that started, it was gone. He quickly wrapped my hand up in a bandage and gave it back to me.

He looked back over at me and sighed. “I bet you’re starving?” He raised his eyebrows up slightly, as I nodded. “I’m assuming you ate today, but I bet it wasn’t good, right?” He asked again and I shrugged.

I quickly crinkled up my face to show my disgust and stuck my tongue out. The food they fed me was awful, but at least they fed me. It was usually a bowl of cold soup or an old, hard ham sandwich. Bleh, it was seriously gross, but again at least I was fed. And I knew from looking in the mirror, I was a skeleton. My face was sunken in; my hip bones were more prominent. I didn’t know how much I weighed exactly, but I knew I was way underweight. I was never one to be obsessed with my weight either, I just wanted to point out like I look like shit. I was way too skinny for someone who was 5’6. Hopefully he would feed me something good, because at this point that’s what I really wanted.

I heard him chuckle at my response and he nodded. “Well here, take these clothes and then meet me out there. We’ll get you something good. Anything specific you have in mind?” He asked sweetly, as I shrugged. I was slightly taken aback. He was going to let me choose what I ate? I hadn’t really thought about it in a long time. I had always dreamed of biting down into a juicy cheeseburger, with some greasy fries, and a large soda. Even thinking about it made my mouth water.

I quickly nodded my head and let a small smile fall on my lips. Oh yes, I wanted a large cheeseburger. He raised his eyebrows, like he was waiting for an answer. I sighed as I rolled my eyes, how was I going to explain this to him? How could I explain that I think I’m mute, I don’t know. My throat could still make noises, like I had grunted earlier, but I couldn’t manage to talk. I couldn’t make myself form words.

So I quickly pointed to my throat and shrugged. I heard him sigh. “Mute?” He asked disappointedly and I shrugged, because again I didn’t really know. I didn’t know if I’d eventually be able to talk, if I could train myself, but I had hope. I saw his face drop and it seemed like he was upset. Like somehow it was his fault, but wait a minute, it was. He was the reason I had quit talking. He didn’t care what I had to say, so I had just stopped all together. And now, when I needed my voice the most, it was gone.

“Looks like you’ll just have to write it down, but I can tell you want something.” He said with a smirk and I nodded. I heard him snap and he quickly handed me a notepad and a pencil. I smiled a little, as I shakily started writing down my food choice. And it was weird to hold a pencil again. It was weird to write words again, I had almost forgotten how. But I guessed it was like riding a bike, once you know how, it always came back. I’m sure my writing wasn’t beautiful, in fact it looked like a kindergartener had done it, but it was still legible. I handed the notebook back to him and saw a genuine small fall on his lips.

“Ah, I should have known. Well, darling, when you’re done, there will be a nice cheeseburger meal waiting for you.” He said, as he slowly got up from the bed. He pursed his lips, as he slowly walked past me, but he stopped. He turned his head toward me and I looked up at him. He looked concerned, as his eyes narrowed on me.

“Do you, uh, need any help?” I just shook my head back and forth. If I did need help, I wouldn’t ask him. That was probably the last thing I wanted to do. I didn’t want him to help me like that. So, he just nodded and walked out of the room. He quickly shut the French doors that separated the living room from the bedroom. I heard him hesitate outside of the door, like he was making sure I didn’t fall. Or maybe he was making sure I didn’t go back into the bathroom and assault the mirror again. But I heard him there and then he walked further away. Why was he so concerned anyways?

And there I was again, alone in a bedroom. But this time I had hope, hope that I could actually make it out of here. That was the first time in the past three years that I had felt that. I had felt emotions for the first time in years. And I was ok with that. Maybe things for me were looking up, well I could dream anyways.


	8. Lorna gets her voice back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading if you are. and thanks for the Kudos I appreciate them.

I looked down at the clothes he laid out for me and I raised my eyebrows. Obviously they were his. I ran my fingers over the fine silk and sighed. At least they would be comfortable. So I let my towel drop onto the bed, and I slowly put the pants on and then the shirt. Again, it was a weird experience to have clothes on. A very strange feeling to have clothes touching my skin again, it felt like the hairs on my arms and legs were standing on end.

I used the bed post to slowly pull myself up to my feet. And it was a struggle. My legs were wobbly, my whole body shook, but I got up. I just had to get myself to balance. I put my arms out a little to the sides and slowly took steps. I seriously looked like a toddler learning to walk, but I made it. My hands rested on the doorknobs of the white French doors and I hesitated. I looked down toward the ground and sighed. I didn’t know what was through those doors. This could have all be a game to him. And I could just be his willing victim. Could I even trust him? I honestly didn’t know, but I had to. I had to go out there; I had to at least give it a try. Even though I was scared beyond belief, I had to try, because honestly, what did I have to lose? My life? I just didn’t care anymore.

So, with a big deep breath I carefully opened the doors and pulled them toward myself. I shuffled my feet backwards, as the doors came with me, and then I poked my face out. I sighed with relief when it all looked normal. There was a tiny kitchen off to the right side and an open living room with large windows to the left.

I carefully walked out the doors and saw his eyes fall on me. He was lounged on the white sofa with his arm over the back. He just stared at me, as I slowly my way toward him.

“Come here.” He said softly, as he patted the seat next to him. I sighed; he wanted me to sit by him? But I just nodded at him in compliance. I slowly made my way toward him and when I say slowly, I mean slowly. I was so slow that he had actually gotten up and walked toward me. I just looked at him with wide eyes as he approached me. I stopped my movements, as he stood in front of me. He looked down into my eyes and sighed.

“I’m just here to help.” He said, as my nervous eyes followed him. My head turned with his body’s movements, as he put his arm around my waist. I closed my eyes at his touch and cringed. I didn’t like being touched anymore, not after my experience. His fingers wrapped tightly around my waist and my head dropped to the floor. I looked so pathetic. I just didn’t understand why he was helping me. Aren’t demons supposed to love this? I was in pain and in more than one way. It was written all over my face and he should be laughing at me. He should be enjoying my discomfort. But he didn’t. He was being kind and caring, which had me confused. This wasn’t him. This wasn’t the Crowley I knew.

“Come on, let’s go to the couch.” He said softly in my ear and I just nodded. And that’s how we walked. It was very slow, and painful, but I finally got there and he helped me sit. I stared up at him, as he placed his hands in his pocket. It was an awkward stare. I probably looked like a wounded animal to him, as I stared up with my big doe eyes. I bit my lip nervously, as he turned and sat down next to me. I felt his arm reach over the back of the sofa and I looked at him. He shrugged his shoulders.

“You were hungry?” He asked, as he snapped his fingers and a plate instantly appeared. I smiled, as he slowly handed it to me and I looked down in delight. There sat the most delicious looking cheeseburger and large pile of yellow fries. I just nodded in approval and hesitantly picked up the burger. I looked it over and I heard him chuckle.

“Drug free, I promise.” He said playfully and I just looked at him. I gave him a smirk and rolled my eyes. But what else could I do? I had to eat the burger and I didn’t think he’d drugged it, but still. I was so used to having to worry, that I couldn’t get it to leave. But regardless I bit into the burger and it was amazing. I instantly closed my eyes and reveled in its amazing taste. I could almost taste the grill it was cooked on and the spices added to it. It was seriously the best burger I had ever had. And when I bit into one of the fries, best fry ever. Seriously, just amazing, I just couldn’t get over the taste. Orgasm in my mouth, it was so good.

I quickly finished up my food and then I felt the tiredness. I knew he didn’t drug it, but after having a full belly for the first time in months, I felt tired. So I slowly let my body fall into the back of the couch and I felt relaxed. I leaned my head back and I didn’t even care that I was on his arm. I felt so good, for the first time in months, and I couldn’t get over it.

“Lorna.” I heard him whisper and I turned my head to look at him. He looked at me with curious eyes and sighed. “Do you want me to fix it? Your voice?” He asked softly and I shrugged. Could he really do that for me? His eyes scanned my face and he brought a hand up.

“Don’t worry, I’ll fix it.” He whispered again and I felt his hand on my face. That caused my whole body to jump. He slowly let his fingers fall from my cheek, as he traced my cheek bone. And I was worried. I didn’t really know what he was going to do. Maybe he had finally gotten tired of taken care of a human? I mean it’s completely plausible. I thought maybe he was just going to kill me. I mean, who really needs me around anyway?

But what he did next truly baffled me. His fingers slowly made circles over my skin, as he made his way to my throat. And again, I didn’t really like being touched. But if he was going to fix my voice, then more power to him. I swallowed hard, as his fingers now sat completely on my throat. My eyes were frantic, as he scooted closer to me. They constantly twitched back and forth, as his breaths now hit me. Oh no, this was my worst nightmare. What was he going to do? Was he going to kiss me? Or maybe something worse, something I didn’t want. But he didn’t. His mouth was nowhere near mine, but he was too close for comfort. I was just paranoid.

“This might hurt.” He whispered, as his cheek rested on my forehead. The contact was too much for me. I wanted to squirm away, but he held me still. My breathes were frantic and my heartbeat was off the charts. I should have told him no. I should have told him not to worry about it. But oh my god it hurt! I could feel it, he was repairing it! I didn’t even think he could do it, but oh lord! My vocal cords, my throat, my whole head was on fire.

My jaw instantly fell open and tears formed in my eyes. And I wanted to scream but I couldn’t. I could feel his other hand running through my wet hair, trying to comfort me. I slammed my eyes shut and tried to not focus on the pain. I whimpered softly, as the fire felt like it had spread down my arms.

“Shh, shh, it’s ok. It’s almost over.” He whispered, as his fingertips pushed further into my throat. I just huffed, as my chest heaved up and down frantically. I tried to keep myself calm, but the pain was bad. And then just as he had promised, it was over. I just sat there breathing heavy and he continued to hold me.

“I don’t normally do that for just anyone, but I figured you deserved it. You should be able to talk now.” He whispered, as he lifted his head off of mine. I just continued to stare at him, as he slowly backed away. I brought my hand up to my throat and ran my fingers over it. He looked at me with curious eyes and I had to do it. I knew he was curious. So I had to speak to him and quite frankly, I was curious too.

“Thanks.” I said hoarsely and he smiled.

“Nice to hear you again.” He said pleasantly, as he nodded toward me. I just nodded my head back and looked away. I wasn’t ungrateful for what he did, but I didn’t want to talk to him. I mean, when he asked me questions I did, but not a regular conversation.

“Lorna, will you look at me?” He asked softly and I sighed, as I turned my head back. I looked back at him and stared intently at him.

“What?” I asked softly. I had no attitude behind my tone. It was just a simple, soft ‘What’. I just wanted to know what he wanted.

“Will you ever forgive me for what I’ve done?” He asked sincerely and my eyebrows shot up. He seriously wanted forgiveness? Forgiveness for using me, honestly was he out of his mind? I was seriously beginning to think he was. I searched his eyes and he seemed to be worried. He looked concerned, full of remorse for what he had done. Deep wrinkles plagued his forehead, as he furrowed his eyebrows. And I was stumped. What the hell was I supposed to say to that?

“I honestly don’t know what you want me to say?” I said and he sighed. He was about to open his mouth, but I abruptly cut him off. I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut.

“I mean, you’ve got to be kidding me right?” I asked softly again. I was about ready to go off. He shook his head back and forth.

“I mean is this what this is? You want me to forgive you for everything? Because it’s not going to happen! And seriously, why the fuck do you care anyways?” I rambled, as I talked with my hands. The tiredness I was experiencing before was gone. I was full of anger and hurt. He just stared at me and nodded. I honestly expected him to kill me right then and there. And he could of, because I wouldn’t have cared.

“Why don’t you just kill me, like I know you want to, and get it over with? I’m done. My existence is stupid and I’m nothing, so please, just go ahead and do it.” I said, as I dropped my head into my hands and sighed heavily. I felt the tears falling out of my eyes, as they fell into my palms. I was just waiting for the yelling, the anger, or even a knife to stab me in the back. But it never came, but what did come was a calming hand on my back.

“You think I would kill you now? There’s no way I could kill you, Lorna.” He said softly. His tone was cool, calm, and collective. He didn’t seem angered by my words at all. I just sighed, as his hand made circles on my back.

“Why the fuck not?!” I asked aggressively, as I gritted my teeth. I just couldn’t control myself.

“I’m nothing to you. You’ve made that perfectly clear through the years. So why, Crowley, why now?” I still talked through my hands, as more tears fell down my face. I felt his hand fall off of my back and I felt the couch get lighter. I took a big deep breath and wiped my hands down my face. I watched him, as he paced the room, with his hands in front of him. They were neatly folded together, as he looked down at the floor.

“I don’t know, Lorna. I just need to make this better. I wronged the fuck out of you when I took you. I fucked up and now I’m going to make it better.” He said with conviction, as he neck snapped toward me. I just stared at him with wide eyes.

“So this is your end game? You want to make yourself feel better?” I bravely asked. I sat my body back into the couch, as I folded my arms across my body. I didn’t know when I had become so brave, but apparently I was in that moment. Because I argued with him like he was a lover.

He slowly made his way toward me with malice in his eyes. I gulped, as he sat down on the couch with me. I looked into his eyes, as he brought his hand to my cheek and I sighed. He slowly scooted his body closer to mine and wrapped an arm around me. I was nervous, but if he was going to kill me, then I was prepared. He slowly put his forehead against mine and our noses touched.

“If I wanted to kill you, I would have done it the moment I took you and then again the moment I saw you back there. I wouldn’t have saved you, brought you to my home. I want to save you, make you better. Just let me do it.” He said softly, as his eyes searched mine. He softly shook my head with some of his words and I sighed. Tears ran down my cheeks and I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand why he cared about me? I was just one girl that he wronged. One girl that he endlessly used and abused and now he cared all of sudden?

I closed my eyes, as his thumb softly wiped away the tears. “I just don’t understand why you even care. You’re a demon, fuck you’re the King of Hell. I just don’t get it.” I whispered and he nodded.

“I’ve changed, Lorna, when I was gone, I thought about you. I told them to save you, but they wouldn’t listen.” I opened my eyes to look at him with confusion.

“You told who to save me? What were you kidnapped too?” I asked through light sobs and he sighed. His eyes slowly drifted off to the side and he nodded.

“Yes. Karma hit this King hard. Just like you, love, I was locked away. It was a very dark room. I was left there by myself. And you ran through my mind. Of all the people I took for my own gain, I thought about you.” He said, as his eyes slowly drifted back to mine. My eyes were huge at this point. So he got what he deserved. But who did he tell to save me?

“Who did you tell to save me?” I asked curiously, as more tears cascaded down my face.

“Sam and Dean.” He said through a breathy sigh. My eyes widened and I looked away. I hadn’t thought about them in so long. It was weird to hear their names. But why would he tell them that? They didn’t care about me. They only cared about Lisa and Ben. They didn’t come for me.

“Why would you tell them that? They don’t care about me.” I said softly, as I bit my lip. I heard him sigh heavily and my eyes were instantly reconnected with his.

“They came for you, Lorna, but they couldn’t find you. I hid you away, love, I was a selfish bastard. I wanted you all for myself. And I’m ashamed to admit this..” He said, as he paused for a moment.

“What?” I asked in disbelief.

“They think you’re dead, Lorna. In fact everyone does, because I told them you were. They think you died in a house fire.” He said and my eyes lit up. So, is that why I was invisible? Why I thought nobody cared about me? Because of him I was invisible. I just sobbed more, as he told me this.

“You’re such a fucking bastard. You fucking asshole!! How could you do this to me? God damnit I fucking hate you!” I yelled and before I knew it, I had slapped him across the face. And then I kept hitting him repeatedly and if this didn’t make him kill me. I didn’t know what would.

He instantly grabbed onto my wrists, but I kept thrashing. I had finally lost it. My mind couldn’t handle all the heavy shit he told me. And before I knew it he had pulled me onto his lap and he was holding me down.

“You have every right, Lorna, but I need you to calm down.” He said calmly, as I huffed and puffed.

“Calm down? You want me to calm the fuck down? I don’t know if I can do that right now. God, Crowley, my whole life is just fucked up.” I whispered the last part, as I hung my head. And again, I was crying, because I couldn’t hold it in. My emotions were all over the place. His fingers slowly ran up and down my arms, as he held me. It was almost like he was trying to comfort me.

“Just give me a chance, Lorna; I can make it all better. I can heal your pain and you can heal mine.” He whispered and I scrunched up my face. I lifted my head and looked him in the eyes. I was confused.

“What do you mean heal yours? You don’t have pain. I mean do you even feel?” I asked coldly and he nodded.

“I have a lot of pain, love.” He said softly, almost as if he was ashamed. “And that’s why I need you. I need you here with me. If you give me a chance, I’ll get you right for society. I’ll make it so it’s as if this never happened, but I need you to trust me. I just need you here to help me, because you’re the only one I trust.” I sighed heavily. What the hell did he want me to do? Be his therapist? God damnit, how the hell did this happen to me? I think death would just be better at this point.

I just nodded. “If you promise me, that I can leave. I’ll help you, but you can’t touch me. Not like before, I can’t be that again.” I said softly and he nodded in compliance.

“I swear on my black heart, that I will never touch you like that again. Well, unless you want it, but, no I won’t.” I just nodded.

“Fine.” I retorted quickly. And that was that. I didn’t really know what I had just agreed to, but at least I knew I’d be safe.


	9. Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh i didn't think i'd ever really come back to this story. It's so..emotional...and deals with difficult things, but i do love this story. And after all these encouraging comments, and people asking me to update it, I decided to. So thank you..for encouraging me to continue. 
> 
> I must say, I have been writing a lot these past few months...so i hope it's not too different from the other chapters. I feel like i've improved a lot. This chapter... It's probably boring, BUT I want to get back into writing this, because I do see the end. I know how it all plays out. So..i decided to just pick up a few months after. 
> 
> Anyways..expect more updates...probably not weekly...maybe monthly? I just hope you all enjoy it! thank you!

Nightmares. They plagued my mind every night, every time i shut my eyes. I could see them. They were everywhere. I could still see their faces. I could still hear their laughs. I could hear them as clear as day. i could hear the snide remarks. I could hear their demeaning names. They were the ones they had called me over and over again. It was them. They were the ghosts that haunted my sleep. They never let me be. They haunted me every night and I couldn't make them go away. I couldn't make them leave me alone, they were always there. Always there to great me when I shut my eyes and it was exhausting, it was awful. 

I could feel it. My heart beating out of control. The sweat that dripped from my pores, it was happening again. I swore I wouldn't let them get to me tonight. I swore I wouldn't let them affect me. But they did, they got to me. And I was fighting for my life, as they circled me. They circled me in that same prison cell that had held me for all those years. That had kept me locked away from the world. I was there again and all three of them were circling my bed. Over and over again they'd smile at me. They wanted me to be scared. They wanted me to break and I was about to. I couldn't control myself anymore. I could feel the tears spilling from my eyes. I could hear the screams, as they escaped my throat. And it burned. It ripped through my skin, as I yelled for them to stop. Everything hurt. Everything burned. I just wanted it to stop. I just wanted them to leave me alone. I just wanted peace. Why could I never get peace?

I could feel my body thrashing, as my body jerked forward. My head lifted off the soft pillow, as I threw my eyes open. And they immediately darted around the dark room. I could feel the sweat still pouring over my flesh. I could still feel my heart pounding out of my chest, but I gave a sigh of relief. I wasn't in any danger. I was still in my bed at Crowley's apartment. I was ok, well for now. I was only OK if I kept my eyes open. I was only OK if i didn't shut them, because when i did. When I did, i'd see them again. And i didn't want to see them anymore, but they never went away. They were always there and it was exhausting.

Every morning I woke up tired. I could see the bags under my eyes. I could see the wrinkles plaguing my face, but there was nothing I could do about it. There was no one to talk to about it. I was alone. Yes, I know, I had Crowley, but he was barely here. This was just another prison to be in. It was just another set of walls that I was hidden behind. But then again it wasn't? I felt like I was in prison, but Crowley had said I could leave whenever I wanted. And I tried-oh God did I try to leave. I wanted to so bad, but I would shake. My mind would instantly panic. My hands would shake when I got to the front door and I couldn't. I was afraid of what was out there. What else could come after me? More demons? Did they have friends that they had told? I didn't know, but I knew I didn't want to find out. I didn't want to know. 

So, with my mind screaming at me, I stayed. I stayed, but I wanted to go. I wanted to stay, I didn't know what the fuck I wanted. I was still-I was still broken. It had been 6 months since Crowley had brought me here. He had given me my voice back. He had given me food to eat, TV to watch, and books to read. He had given me so many things and I was grateful, but I still hated him. The horrendous things that he had done to me, I would never forget. But i was slowly forgiving.

When he did actually make an appearance, which was everyday. He'd usually pop in in the late mornings to see how I was. He'd make sure I was OK and of course I always seemed OK. I never told him about my nightmares and he'd probably be pissed that I didn't. But I didn't want to. I didn't want to talk to him about these things. And I know he wanted me to. He had told me that he wanted me to tell him everything that it was a part of my "healing process". But fuck that. I didn't want to talk to him. I just wanted to live. I wanted to be free. Free from the pain. Free from him and his stupid home. But what else was I supposed to do? I didn't know. I was confused. I was....lost. 

I was never a person to spill my feelings to people. I was never one to open up and tell people my thoughts or feelings. And I wasn't about to start, especially to a demon. A demon that had kidnapped me and used me. I didn't want to do that and I wasn't going to. There was no way in Hell I was going to open up to my former abuser. Fuck him, fuck these feelings, I just wanted to sleep. I just wanted to know what it was like to be at peace. I just wanted to rest. God and I needed it. I was so tired, tired of all of this. 

So with everything I had, I tried again. I could feel my heart slowing down and I had wiped the sweat from my brow. I decided to close my eyes and think of happy things. I tried to think of my childhood. My days with Bobby and the boys and how happy they had seemed. I tried to think of anything that would take my mind off the monsters that had tortured me for months on end. But to no avail, it didn't work. As soon as my mind made it into dream land, I was back.

I was back in that prison cell. I was back on that bare bed, naked, and cold. Why the fuck did my mind always bring me back here? WHY couldn't it just leave me alone? They were circling me again. Their eyes were coal black, as they viciously smiled. I wanted to punch them. I wanted to hurt them, but every time I tried to move I was frozen. I couldn't talk. The only thing I could do was scream. I screamed my lungs out, as more tears poured from my eyes. This was it. This was always how it was going to be. I was never going to break free. I was never going to be free of the nightmares, I just wanted to die. I just wanted to walk into the other room and end it all, but to see how far I had come. When were things going to look up for me? I didn't think that day would ever come, but I had to at least try? Try and make my life worth living again, but how long? I didn't think I could take much more of this. How much could a human being take before it was too much? I think i was at the end of my tether. 

And then, as my body thrashed. The covers moved all about, I felt a pair of warm arms wrap around me. I felt my body being pulled into another body. I could feel his heat and it was comforting. And i could feel myself leaving the dream, just as they were about to pounce. Just as they were about to lay their hands on me. I felt him. He was there and the haziness of my mind was clearing. They were slowly disappearing. 

"Lorna!!" His voice was loud and stern. I could feel him pulling my still thrashing body into his. I could feel my body resisting him, but I was slowly coming to. I could feel his heat. His hands were on my back, as he tried to soothe me. And I could feel my mind coming from the dream, as I sobbed into his chest. No. This is not how I wanted it to go. This was not how I wanted him to find out about this. But I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop the tears from falling onto his suit. I sobbed more and more, as his fingers ran through my hair. He was actually trying to soothe me. He was actually trying to make me feel better and I never did understand why he cared so much. Of course, I know, he 'explained' it, but it never sank in. I'm not worthy of this. He had made that clear years ago. I'm not worthy of healing. 

"Breathe, Darling, please breathe," he whispered softly into my hair. I could feel him, as he laid his lips on my head. I could feel his breaths in my hair.. And after months of conditioning I had gotten used to his touch again. I didn't like it still, but i wasn't as put off. He had worked with me for the past six months with his touch. It was never anything to much. Just an arm around my shoulders, a hand in mine, and it was ok. And because of that, he didn't scare me as much as he had. I semi-trusted him? I mean, I had to really. He gave me shelter, clothes, food, and entertainment. He put me up. I had to at least give him that. I had to trust him after all this time. After six months of being here and seeing him everyday, I had to trust him. I had to, because he was all I had. The only person that knew I existed still and the only person who could really help me now. 

I could feel my breaths coming down again. My heart beat wasn't racing and I was calm. My tears slowly eased up, but I had anxiety now. He was going to ask. He would want to know what had me so upset and I didn't want to say it. So I left my head buried in his chest. And I could smell him, he was almost intoxicating. The scent of sulfur and whiskey and it was calming. I had gotten so used to him and so comforted by him. And him being here was almost-almost-safe. I felt-safe. And that was a strange word for me. It was a strange word to associate with him. Safe. Crowley was safe and I was OK. And it dawned on me then, that he wanted to help. He was putting forth an effort, but i didn't want to say anything. I knew now that he really really wanted to help ,but It made me ache to think that I had to tell him. 

I felt his chest rise and fall, as I stayed close to him. I don't know why I didn't push away. I don't know why I didn't, but safe. That's the only word that rang through my mind. I was safe. I was safe from the nightmares, safe from the demons, but I was in another demon's arms. What was I doing?! I was so confused, so conflicted, fuck. 

"How long?" He asked simply, as I clamped my eyes shut. There it was. There was the dreaded questions I didn't want to hear. and I shook my head back and forth. I dreaded this question, because that meant I had to tell him. And I didn't want to. Play stupid, I was going to play stupid. 

"How long what?" I asked into his chest, as I played stupid. No. There was no way.

"Lorna, I'm not an idiot, Love. I want you to tell me about them, the night terrors. It'll help, Love." He said gently, but I could hear the irritation in his voice. He wanted to know, but he was upset that I hadn't told him. Fuck. I didn't want to. I didn't want to tell him. But he was going to pull it out of me anyways. He was going to make me tell him. He was going to make me relive these moments over and over. 

 "I don't want to talk about it," I muttered into his chest again. My hands were still tightly wound in his suit. My knuckles were probably white by now, but I didn't want to let go. I didn't want to look him in the eyes, because I knew. I knew once I looked him in the eyes it would happen. I'd tell him and I didn't want to. 

"You know, darling, if you tell me it will help. You're having night terrors? Tell me...what's going on in them? Hmm?" He asked softly, but i could still hear the aggravation in his voice. He had never raised his voice with me since he had brought me here, but I could tell he was about to. 

"Who do you think haunts me, Crowley?" I asked with attitude, as I pulled my face away from his chest. And there they were. There were his green eyes staring at me. But they were full of concern, not aggravation. They searched my tear stained face, as he gave a heavy sigh. 

"Its healthy to talk about it." He said softly and I rolled my eyes. 

"What do you want me to say? Hmm?" I asked, as I shrugged my shoulders. And my eyes closed, as I threw my head into the pillow. I was being dramatic, probably a hypocritical dumb ass, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to tell him, I really didn't want to. I wanted to keep it all bottled up like I used to. Would it really help to tell him? And when did he become so shrinky...like a psychologist. When did he become like this? He really must have wanted to heal my mind.Maybe he really wanted to help? Ugh, my mind was all over the place contemplating tell him, telling myself I didn't need to. But my voice took over and my mind was out weighed. It was like it was pulled from me, but I'm glad it did.

"They haunt me, Crowley. My dreams...they never let me be. They're always there, always tormenting me. I want it to stop, please." I said in soft whispers, as more tears poured from eyes. What the hell was wrong with me? Why was I saying this. But I felt....felt better?

His hands cupped my face, as his thumbs wiped away my tears. "They will stop eventually. I'm glad you said something." He said softly and I could hear the celebration in his voice. He was happy I had told him. But would he hold it against me? I really hoped not.  

"How do you know they'll stop?" I asked in a whisper, but I refused to open my eyes. I still didn't want to see his eyes. I didn't want to see them. The way he looked at me, I felt pathetic. I felt.....I didn't know how I felt. I just wanted them to stop and I wanted to know how to take them away. 

He gave a heavy sigh and continued to cup my face. "From experience, Lorna. They haunt you? I understand that. They're always there, just like my past. It's always there and after what I had went through....it lingered. For weeks upon weeks, i went what you're going through. They're always there, always in your mind. They taunt you, curse you, and make you feel awful. But know this, I understand." He said softly still and it kind of all hit me. 

What he had gone through. What he been done to him, was barely explained to me. But I understood that he was injected with human blood and it had changed him. And for me, what I had seen, it was for the better. He was more humanly and I didn't fully understand who had done it to him. But I think this is what he was referring to? That the human blood had made him see his past? He had seen the awful things that he had done to people. 

"Thank you......and, Crowley?" I asked softly through a tired voice. I was so tired at this point and I could barely stay awake. But I Didn't want to fall asleep. I was so exhausted. I was so..done. I just needed him to do one thing for me. 

"Yes, love?" He asked again, as I felt the covers being pulled over my body. And i felt comfortable. I was at peace. 

"Can...can you stay with me?" I asked in a whisper, almost ashamed to have asked. I felt like a child talking to a parent in the middle of the night. I felt like I used to when I was a child. I had always begged my parents to stay in my room with me, because I knew the dangers that were out there. 

"All you have to do is ask." He said softly, as I felt his body shift in the bed. And I could tell he was getting comfortable. And I gave a sigh of relief, as I blew hot air out of my nose. This was it, maybe this was the answer. Maybe he was my answer? 

And that night, not like any other night, I slept like a baby. Crowley was at my side, but there was a distance between us. His arm was positioned under my pillow and I could still smell him. His heartbeat punched loudly against his chest and I was at peace. He was lulling me to sleep by his presence and it was weird. How could someone that had caused me so much pain...so my torture in the past..be helping me? How could I feel so comfortable sleeping next to a man that I had wanted to kill in the past? Maybe...maybe this was it. Maybe pain..wasn't going to be the only thing that I would be feeling in the future. Could I ever really feel happiness again? I wasn't sure...but I knew it had to be on the horizon. Maybe-just maybe my life would return to normal soon. Maybe..I would be ok. 

 

And it was foolish to think back then that my life would have improved. I mean-it did, but it got more complicated......you'll see. 

 


	10. That Lo is dead, It's only Lorna now.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley comes home with big news for Lorna, but she doesn't take it well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know i said i write this every month, but look at me i was a liar. lol. Thank you guys for all your wonderful comments, I'm glad you're still enjoying the story!

I gave a heavy sigh, as I looked out the window in front of me. I could feel the suns heat on my skin and I reveled in the feeling. The sun felt so amazing and any chance I got, I sat in it. I couldn't get over the fact that I had missed seeing it for three years. I went three years without feeling the heat on my skin. I went three years without seeing the yellow orb in the sky and it saddened me. How much had I missed out on? How did I survive without it?  
  
So any chance I got-which was about every day, I sat in front of the window. I sat there with a book in my lap and let heat and the stories take me away. And it's all I had dreamed about for all those years. It was peace to me. Peace that I never thought I would have again and yet, here I was.  
I was safe. I was full of peace, well for the moment, and I felt at ease.  
  
A lot of my days had been filled with anxiety and fear. It had been filled with lying in bed. It was filled with uncertainty and doom. And sometimes I wouldn't want to get out of bed, I was too afraid. I was too afraid to move around the apartment, to actually be free. I had still been a prisoner in my own mind.   
  
Sometimes my mind would play games, it would make me think this was a joke. That this was all a rouse and I would be taken back at any time and I would feel my heart race and my breaths would quicken. But I had to remind myself that this was real. It was all real and I wasn't going anywhere. I mean I could, I could leave at any time. But every time I got to that door. Every time I built myself up and thought I could make it, I failed. But it didn't surprise me. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to leave this apartment and I sure as hell wasn't ready to leave Crowley.  
  
And that probably sounds strange. Why would I want to stay with him? Why would I want to keep the company of a demon? Why would I want to remain in an apartment that belonged to him? Why would I want to keep the company of the thing that has made me this way?  
  
Those are all good questions that I couldn't seem to answer myself. Because I do ask myself those questions quite frequently and I always ended up at the same place.  
  
If it wasn't for him-I wouldn't have shelter, food, and I sure as hell wouldn't be sleeping as well as I was. I mean, I still had my nightmares. My former captures still tortured me, but he was there with me. He always was. And it had become too important to me that I couldn't stand the thought of not having him there. I knew if he left I wouldn't be able to sleep. And I think he knew that. I think he knew that I wouldn't be able to survive without him. Because every night when I was about to crawl into bed, no matter what time it was, he was there.  
  
He was there to greet me with a smirk, as he leaned against the doorway. And I tried to look irritated, although I'm not sure why. I'd try to make it seem like I was unhappy to see him. But he could probably hear it in my heartbeat. He could probably hear the way it erratically beat in his presence. He could probably even read my mind. He knew it.   
  
I needed him to sleep and he knew it. I couldn't stand a night away from him. They would return to my dreams and be as intense as they were. That my former captures would be as hurtful as they had been before he had agreed to stay with me.  
  
It was his heartbeat. It was his breaths and his sweet encouragements. He made it better, when he shouldn't have. How could I have been so stupid to agree to this? How could I have agreed to such a weird arrangement, to agree to sleep in the same bed as him night after night? What the fuck was wrong with me?  
  
But I had no other choice. It was either sleep like shit or sleep with him by my side. And I chose the best thing for me. I chose him because after that first night of not having nightmares. After that first night of normal dreams and sometimes no dreams at all, I chose him-because without him I wouldn't make it. And as sad as it was he knew I needed him. He knew that I couldn't sleep without him, but he never rubbed it in. He never made fun of me. He was just there for me. He held me sometimes and sometimes he laid beside me. But he always told me that everything would be ok that I would be fine. And I was-or would be eventually. My life was still a big mess. My mind was still a disaster, but somehow I was dealing with it. And he was actually helping. But how long would this last? How long could I survive like this?   
  
"You know, darling, you can go out there, you know?" Crowley said, as I nearly jumped out of my skin. I felt myself jolt, as my body thrashed toward. And his presence materialized beside me with a small wind that blew my hair forward.   
  
"I'm aware," I said through a heavy breath, as I tried to suppress the surprise in my voice. I didn’t want to give him the idea that he had actually scared me, because then he’d use it against me. He’d probably try and scare me every time. Normally he’d walk into the room, but apparently not this time.

 

And I was. I was aware that one day I'd make it outside onto the large balcony that overlooked the large city. But not today. Absolutely not today. I mean- I wanted to, but my mind was stopping me. It was stopping me because I felt so secure in the apartment. I felt so secure and safe and the thought of going outside made me panic. What if something bad happened? I knew nothing bad would happen if I stayed inside. I knew I’d be safe, but the outside. It was nice to view from here, but to actually go out. To actually be in the wide open world was terrifying, but it shouldn’t have been. It sholdn’t have been so terrifying, I should have been excited.

  
"You haven't stepped foot outside in what? 4 years? Lorna, one day you'll have to step into the fresh air. It'll be nice, I can assure you." He said with reassurance. And I could hear it in his voice. He didn't understand why I sat here day in and day out. He didn't understand me at all, but he never showed it.

He never let on that he was irritated with me or upset with me, but sometimes I could tell. I had been around him and only him for so long that I had picked up on his expressions and sometimes his feelings. Which was a weird thing too, his feelings. I had known him for so long without a single feeling and now I saw him with full emotions. Which again was so fucking weird, but I thought he didn’t hold back with me? I thought he held himself strong and still demonly with his demons, but with me he was a completely different person. He shared things with me, like what had happened to him with Sam and Dean and the trials. And him and I just had an understanding now.

I just stared out the window, as he spoke. And I slightly shook my head. “I’ll get out there eventually.” I said sofly, as I cleared my throat. And my eyes fell to my book again, as I began to scan the words.

“Is this all you do then?” He asked softly, as his finger fell on the page I was reading. And it was kind of irritating, he was acting like a child. And I gave a small smirk, as I smacked his finger away. 

“I enjoy reading. Is there something wrong with that?” I asked, as I moved my head to peer into his eyes. And I saw a smile spread across his face, as his head shook.

“No, love, nothing wrong with that, you’ve only read my entire bloody library. I just thought maybe you’d want something else to do? A little mindless television, perhaps an adventure outdoors?” He said, as he tried to convince me, but I just chuckled at him.

“I like to read, Crowley, maybe a little less mindless television and just more books?” I said through a sweet smile, as he nodded his head. And I watched, as he raised his hand and snapped. And I felt triumphant, because I loved the books he supplied. I could never get enough of the books that he had. They were amazing and like I had said, they took me to another world. They were way better than TV. The TV didn’t distract me as well as the books had. And that’s what was important to me-a nice distraction.

 

I gave him a smile, as my eyes drifted toward the window again. And I could see the wind shifting outside and I could hear it, as it whipped against the glass. It was a high shrill sound that made my ears sings with joy. I loved that sound, it soothed me for some reason. It made me relax, as I watched the sun drifted across the sky. And it was fascinating to watch it, to watch anything outside really. Who needed TV when you had nature at your doorstep?

 

"So did you stop by to annoy me or is there something on your mind?" I asked playfully, as I raised a brow. And i peered back over at him just in time to see his eyes roll and he shook his head. 

 

"You know me well, darling. I tend to come back to my home  just to bother you." He said through a smirk, as-I in turn rolled my eyes. 

 

I often forgot that he considered this his home too. I mean, it was his home. His name was on the contract for it and every piece of furniture, his clothes, and even his bed. It was all his. Everything was his that he so kindly shared with me. And i was grateful for that, i really was. It was just different for him to refer to it as his home, because I considered it my home too. But if i thought about it more, it was our home. It was our home together that we shared and that was a strange thought too. 

 

"I actually came on business, business that involves you." He said in a low voice, as i crinkled my eyebrows together. 

 

"Business that involves me? What kind of business would you have that would involve me?" I asked quickly, as my words seemed to blend together. Whatever business he had with me made me nervous. There had never been a time that he had had business with me and now? What could it be now? What was he going to have me do? I could feel my nerves starting to get the best of me and I quickly shut my book that was still in my lap. And I ran my index finger nervously up and down the spine of the book. 

 

He gave a heavy sigh and I could see his whole chest rise. It was almost as if he didn't really want to tell me, because I could see it in his eyes too. He was nervous as well. A nervous demon? Now that was a new concept. 

 

"In approximately four months time I have a business gala to attend to and I need a date. I need someone by my side who compliments me and my mind immediately drifted to you. I know this is going to be a difficult thing for you. There will be a lot of new people there, but i also figured it would be good for you as well. It would get you out there into the world again. It would help you get over this fear of leaving the apartment. And I would be by your side for the entire party." He said, as my head began to shake at every word. 

 

The thought of even stepping out of this apartment made my body ache. It almost made me go into panic mode, hell a panic attack was probably on it's way. What the hell? Why did he want me to do this? There was no way that I wanted to go to some gala with him. There was no way I was going to step foot out of this apartment. No way-no how. 

 

"No." I said quickly, as my head still shook. I could feel the emotions inside of me that had been dead for so long starting to boil to the surface. I could feel the tears stinging at the brims of my eyes. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to think about it. 

 

"Just think about it, Lorna. I can take you shopping, you used to love that, right? We can get you an expensive dress all on my dime. Do your hair, your make up. We can do anything you like. You can feel like a princess for a day." He said softly and it was almost as if he were trying to comfort me. He wanted to pamper me and make me feel like a real girl again, but that wasn't going to happen. There was no way he was going to get me into a dress ever again. 

 

There was no way I would be seen in public like that. I just couldn't. I couldn't even fathom it. My mind was racing and I could feel my palms sweating. I needed to get up. I needed to get away from him. I needed to go. 

 

And that's exactly what I did. I threw myself off the floor and started to quickly walk away from him. I just needed to. I hated for him to see me like this. I tried to hold it together for so long. But i couldn't right now. I could feel my tears as they fell down my cheeks and I could feel the emotions coming up. My nervousness, my panicking, this wasn't going to be easy by any means. I wasn't going to do this no way-now how. 

 

"Lorna," he said softly, as i felt myself run into him. Damn him. Damn his powers. Damn his ability to zap anywhere he wanted. I felt his arms gently wrap around me, as i buried my face into his chest. I could smell him. I could hear his heartbeat. I could feel myself relaxing into him. why had he become such a relaxing thing for me? Why had it come to this? 

 

"It will be good for you, love. Get you out of this stuffy old place, don't you want that, darling?" He asked softly and he made it a point to never raise his voice and I was thankful for that. And i just shook my head against him. 

 

This was my sanctuary. This was my home. This was the place i felt so much comfort in and I didn't want to leave it. But that wasn't my biggest issue. I may not have wanted to leave my home, my palace, but I had good reason, right? I had every right to want to stay in here and not be disturbed. But i knew he was right in some sense. He was right that I did need to get out. I needed to start to interact with people. I knew i needed to. If i ever wanted to be a "normal" human being, I would have to interact. 

 

Yes the people made me nervous, but I was at ease with Crowley being there with me. If he did keep his promise and stay with me the whole time, I think i could survive. I could handle the people that way. But-but the dress, my scars. I could barely stand to look at myself in the mirror. I didn't recognize that person staring back at me. I didn't want to see that person. The scars that covered my face and my entire body were hideous. Wouldn't they be looking at that? Wouldn't those people stare at me for my ugliness? And that's what I was, i was ugly. I shouldn't be so shallow, so caught up in my looks, but i was. They made me look like a monster and sometimes that's what I felt like I was. I was a monster in an ugly skin, covered in the reminder of what had happened to me. I was gross and I didn't want to parade that around. No one would want to look at me anyways. That-that was my main problem. That was why i had so much hesitation. That's why I didn't want to go. I was scared. 

 

"I'm scared," I whispered softly into his chest. And i felt his arms tighten around me. I swallowed hard, trying to keep the lump in my throat at bay. I was trying to not sob on him again, because I'm sure he was tired of it. Hell, I was tired of it. I was tired of crying all the time. 

 

"I know," he said simply, as I felt his chin rest on top of my head. "I know you're scared and you have every right in that sense. You have every right to act this way. But i want you to listen to me." He said, as he pulled away from the hug. And i felt his fingers go under my chin, as he raised my head up. and he forced me to look into his eyes, as tears fell down my face. 

 

"You may be scared now, but, Lorna, look at how far you've come. You've been through a lot, i know that. You've been through what most demons go through in torture and probably even worse. But look at yourself, look at how strong, how independent you've become. You've come so far, darling, why not take it all the way? Why not?" He said with meaning and I could tell that he meant every word. 

 

But i didn't believe him. I wasn't strong, not that strong. I had come a long way though. I was far from the girl who couldn't speak and thought everything he did had bad intentions. I wasn't that girl anymore. I wasn't as leery. I was more trusting of him and the world around me. But strong? That was not me. I was still weak in my eyes. The weak little girl who cried about everything. That was me, not strong-weak. 

 

"Tell me the real reason," he said, as he still hung onto my chin. I could tell he wasn't going to let me get out of this easy. He wasn't going to let me go without telling him the real reason i was upset.

 

He was always on that. "Tell me the real reason, let it out, tell me everything," blah blah blah bullshit. He acted like Dr. Phil. He acted like my damned psychologist and it was annoying. I mean-don't get me wrong I loved the way I could open up to him, but it was still embarrassing. I was opening up to a demon. I was opening up to someone that could use these things against me to hurt me, but for some stupid reason I trusted him. And I know, I know-he saved me. But then again, he's the reason I'm like this. So fucked up in the brain. So weird, so ugly. 

 

I shook my head, as I closed my eyes. I knew this is what he was waiting for and I licked my lips. "My scars, Crowley, they're so ugly. I'm so hideous. I don't want to go, because they're going to stare at me. Please, please don't make me go. Please....." I whispered to him, as my lips quivered. And i could feel the breaths in my chest quickening, as he removed his fingers from my chin. And he gently cupped my face. 

 

"From the moment I laid eyes on you the first time and the moment I saw you all those months ago, It never ran through my mind you were ugly. You are a beautiful human being, Lorna. Absolutely gorgeous and those scars? Those scars pay homage to how far you've come and what you've been through. Those scars represent how gorgeous you really are. They are nothing more than scratches on your skin, do you understand? Do you get what I'm trying to say? Don't you ever think for one second that you are ugly. Look at yourself from within. You. Are. Beautiful." He said with conviction and I could hear the anger in his voice. But it was only a slight anger. And if I would have looked at him, I would have known how gritted and how tight his jaw was. And I knew He was serious. He was actually being serious. Did he really think, did he? did he think I was beautiful? It was hard to believe. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. 

 

I stayed silent. What could I say? I still didn't want to go. I still didn't think I was strong or beautiful, but what could I do about it? 

 

"How about this? I'll set up appointments for us here in a few months and we will hand pick a dress for you. We will get a dress that you like and you feel comfortable in." He gave a heavy sigh, as I shook my head up and down. My eyes were still closed and I could still feel the warmth of his hands on my skin. The rough pads of his finger tips, as he gently caressed my face. 

 

"I-I don't want you to be uncomfortable, Love, I really don't. I want you to walk around with confidence you had and will have again. We just need to get you back to that. Get you back to the girl that you used to be before this all happened." He said, but I shook my head. 

 

"That Lo is dead. There is only me, Lorna." I said through a pathetic whisper. I once was Lo and hated my name. Hated what my parents had called me. But a piece of me on the inside felt like she was gone. that Lo had died years ago back when Kyle had died. Back when Crowley had made me watch that. He tore me down and now for some strange reason he was trying to build me back up again. 

 

"It's a new you, darling, yes. A new and improved you and you know what?" He asked, as he bent his head down. And i peered into his eyes once more, as he wiped the remaining tears off my face. 

 

"I kind of like the new you," he said through a smile. And i quickly rolled my eyes. The new me. And it hit me. Yes, I was a new me. Maybe I could be better than I was before? But i knew that would take a lot of work. A lot of hard, hard work, and I knew where it had to begin. 

 

"I'll do it." I said softly with a slight shrug. "I'll go to that damn gala with you. But we do what you said. Make me some appointments, please. I can't go-I can't go feeling like everyone is staring at me." I said reluctantly and I watched as his stupid smug grin popped across his face. 

 

"That's my girl," he said, as he quickly took his hands back. "I'll be sure to get you those appointments and we'll go about a month before the event. And I promise you, I won't just throw you into a group of people. I'll help to prepare you for this. I'll get you talking to people more, have you interact, maybe over the phone." And I just shook my head. Of course I was terrified. Of course I was beyond scared, but I had to keep telling myself, this is what i had to do. This is what I had to do to be normal again. 

I didn't want to live my life being the girl who was too afraid to leave her apartment. I wanted growth, but I was so damned scared. So scared to think about leaving. But I was going to force myself to get over it, to get through it. I was going to or it would be the death of me. 

And boy oh boy did I have a hell of a future ahead of me. 


	11. The Knights of Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley stops by the apartment with a major headache. The world around him hurts his head and Lorna helps to make him feel better and for the first time he opens up about what is bothering him, what is actually giving him a headache. And lucky for Crowley Lorna has amazing insight on the subject. Lorna is forced to interact with another human being and Crowley helps her cope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My character has turned into an over thinker. I'm sorry-i make her ramble too much lol. But I'm so happy with all these comments i am getting! I never in a million years thought I would pick this story back up, but here I am more than year later, writing this story still. And I promise I will finish it. It's literally on my mind day and night. And I hope I kept everything Canon with the knights of hell. I really tried to remember everything. anyways thanks guys!!! I appreciate your feed back!

The light from the refrigerator beamed in my eyes, as I looked at the empty shelves. Nothing, there was nothing. Nothing in the fridge to eat to ease the burden of my very painful stomach growls, as it grumbled over and over again. I could almost feel my stomach moving around, as it begged for food. I could hear in grumbling to me loudly and I frowned in disgust.

‘Feed me, feed me.’ It practically yelled at me and I was trying. I was trying to get it some food, but there was nothing in the fridge. Nothing at all. I wished I would have been more organized. Why had I done this to myself? I always waited until the last minute to get this done or waited until I had nothing at all. You know, like now. Nothing in the fridge, nothing in the cabinets, it was all bare, and I knew what that meant. It meant I was going to have to bother Crowley and beg him to call it in. I was going to have to ask him to call the grocery store and have them deliver another round of food. I was going to have to ask him and I hated that. I always felt like such a bother and a burden to him. He always had to do these things for me and it made me feel bad. For fucks sakes I was an adult, I should have been able to do this for myself. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything.

And it shouldn’t have been such a big deal. I was an adult. A fucking adult. I had lived on my own for years, held a job, and paid my bills. I should have been able to do it. But not yet, I couldn't yet. I couldn’t call people by myself yet. The very thought of it made me shake with fear. It made my mind go a thousand miles a minute and I couldn’t focus. My eyes would see fuzzy circles and I could always feel my head swimming. My body would feel numb and sweat would form on my palms. And it would pour down my face like I had been working out for hours. There was something wrong with me. Something seriously wrong with me, I was an adult. But I just wasn’t ready yet to talk to someone on the phone or see someone in person. And it was weird, how was I not ready? How could I not do this for myself? It was really annoying and irritating. I was nothing more than a burden, at least that’s what I told myself lately. I felt like such a pain to him and I always felt bad. I always felt so bad- I was like a helpless child and I didn't want to be like that anymore. Not anymore, I wanted to be normal. Normal.......

But he did everything for me and I wanted to do more for myself. But again, the anxiety and the overwhelming feelings held me back. The always held me back, but Crowley insisted I was normal. He insisted that these feelings were normal and I shouldn’t worry so much. But I did worry. I worried all the time and that’s probably what drove my mind crazy. I worried about leaving, I worried about interacting with people, I worried about everything you could imagine. And it was a pain in the ass, my mental state. The way my brain worked-I hated it. Sometimes I hated myself, but I pushed through it, no matter how much I hated it, because I would survive. Some day I’d be out of this apartment and I’d be a normal person again. A normal person who could function normally in society, but that’s what I wanted the most. I wanted to be normal more than anything. So I was going to push myself and force myself to do things I hated. And I had talked myself up or I would never be able to do anything. If I didn't force myself to grow and go outside my comfort zone, I was never going to make it. I was going to be destined to live in this apartment forever and ever. And some days I was OK with that-but most days, again-I wanted to be normal. 

“Make a list,” I heard Crowley grumble softly from the couch. His voice was thick with accent and misery.

And I nearly jumped out of my skin, as I jolted forward a little. My eyes widened and I jerked my head in his direction. I could hear my heart beating out of my chest, as I quickly clutched my chest. I stared over at him with big eyes and I'm sure I looked ridiculous. I'm sure I looked really stupid, but oh god, he had really scared me. I had forgotten he was there. Who does that? How could I have forgotten he was there? He had almost given me a heart attack. He had just been so quiet, so unlike himself-so weird. 

He had been sitting on the couch for the last hour. He hadn't really said a word and I was fine with it. The silence had always been my solace for so many years that sitting in the silence was normal. I didn't need background noise or someone to talk to. I just needed myself and a book. I enjoyed his company yes, but I preferred the silence and right now that's what he had given me. He had given me an hour to myself. He had given me an hour to completely forget his presence and it was nice to be in the silence. But it was also nice to have him here. 

Although-it was strange to see him so quiet. I tried to think of the last time he had actually stopped talking and nothing came to mind. The demon loved to hear himself talk. And it was weird for him to be so silent, to be so still and unresponsive.

What was wrong with him? I didn't really know, he never really gave an idea that anything was wrong with him. Or if he had something up his sleeve, I could never tell. He was good at hiding things, especially if something was wrong with him. But he was a demon and he was bred to not show emotion. He was bred to be evil and murderous. So it was strange to see him on the couch with his fingers on the bridge of his nose.

He looked miserable and it was hard to see him like that. And I wasn't really sure why. But I felt a pang of intrigue and wonder, why did he look so out of whack. Why did he look so off? And I wanted to help him, but I figured the quiet was what he needed since he was here again. I figured this was the cure to whatever was wrong with him because he rarely showed up during the day unannounced. This was just strange, especially since he had been as quiet as a mouse. He had been as still as a statue, so unmoved. I knew there was something up with him the moment he had popped in, but I didn't want to push it. He looked like he was in pain or something? I was never really sure. 

And once I had gotten a good look at him, his behavior seemed familiar. Every noise that swept through the apartment made his brow crinkle and his nose ruffle up. Every stream of light that came through the window was immediately cursed and batted at. His skin seemed a few shades lighter than usual and the sweat that poured from his skin was unusual. This all made me think that he was either sick or he had a major headache. And I leaned more towards a headache, as I watched him more. He seemed miserable and I could tell that the couch he sat on-that the home he came to, was for peace. This was his solace as well. The silence that drifted through the air with the sweet smells of home. It was his sanctuary, but I am only assuming. I knew it was mine too and why not share a sanctuary with someone who needs it as well.

But I felt bad for him. No one should go through that kind of pain and i felt a pang in the bottom of my stomach. I knew what I had to do. I couldn't let him sit there and suffer, but what could I do? He was a demon, but he did have a human body. And I pondered the possibility of pain relievers, would they help? Could they help his predicament? I didn't know, I really didn't. But I just felt this overwhelming need to help him. But would it work for the most powerful demon I had ever met? would something so simple help aide him in his pain. Honestly, I expected him to laugh at me or tell me to go away. But i didn't know what it was about that day, why my mind wouldn't leave me alone. It kept telling me over and over again to help him-to take care of him. So I did and I'm glad I did. 

But you see, my mind could never make up it's mind. It was screaming at me to help him, help him. But it was also mocking me. it was telling me that there was no way this would help him and that he would just make fun of me. My mind was a cruel, cruel thing, but my gut. My gut told me what to do. So, with hesitation in my steps and mind, I walked to the cabinet near the sink. I knew this is where he had kept the tiny drugstore in our apartment. He had stocked up for me awhile back, but I wasn't the one who needed it now.

 I carefully and quietly opened it up and started searching for anything to relieve his headache. And it was kind of strange for me to feel this want to help him. But he had helped me so much, but it still confused the hell out of me. Shouldn't I be hell bent on revenge and want him to suffer? shouldn't I want him to feel like this, just like I had felt for years? Shouldn't I?!  I guess I wasn't normal though. I guess I was different, because it kind of made me sad to see him like that. It made my heart hurt for him and I knew that wasn't normal.  It made me sad to see him in the pain he was, because he had helped me so much over the past few months. He had been so kind and patient with me, that I guess it was my turn to take care of him. Well-it was only a small thing. It was only one small thing to help him outrun whatever was ailing him. But it was the least I could do or so I thought. 

"Here," I said quietly, as I nudged his hand with a glass of his favorite scotch. And I made sure to be gentle wit him and not hit him too hard. I didn't really want to disrupt him or bother him in any way. 

And I smiled sweetly at him, as his barely open eyes traveled to the drink and then to the pill in my other hand.

"I didn't know if it would actually help, but you look miserable." I said still quietly trying not to make loud noises, as I continued to stand there and stare at him. and i was starting to get nervous, as he eyed me.

And then his eyes darted toward the drink, as he examined it thoroughly. And then to the medicine in my hand. It was almost as if he was trying to decided to trust me or not. but I wasn't going to hurt him, not now. And I almost gave a breath of relief, as I saw his whole demeanor change. I could see the relief wash over him, as his shoulders relaxed. And then his whole body sunk into the couch like I had just saved him. He seemed so different. His shoulders visibly relaxed. They had basically been in his ears when I had approached him, but now they were down further. It was almost as if I had lifted a burden from him-for a short while anyways. 

"Thank you, darling." He barely muttered, but I could hear the gratitude in his tone. And he didn't have to say anymore, I knew he appreciated what I had done from him and it made me feel good about myself. This wasn't what I had expected, but it was more. A smile crossed my lips, as I walked to the other side of the couch. I sat opposite of him, as I curled my legs underneath me and reached for a pad of paper and a pen. I knew i still needed to make my list, but I dreaded it. I hated this. 

I could feel the couch moving once again, as he shifted back to his previous position. His fingers immediately pinched the bridge of his nose and his head sunk into the back of the couch. But he still seemed a little more at ease than he was. He seemed better than before and that gave me peace knowing that. That I had helped, but only a tiny bit. And I could hear the silence consuming us both again. The only thing that could be heard was the pen, as it connected with my sheet of paper. But it was ok. I was alright with that. The silence was my friend. I liked it more than I probably should have. But it was strange to think about Crowley's company, I had grown oddly fond of it. Even if we sat in silence it was nice to know that he was still with me. he was still by my side. And even though i found it strange that he liked to pop in more often or that he liked to come visit with me during that day, I liked it. I really did. I liked him. 

 I liked that he always had something sassy, but yet he could be so meaningful. That he could be so sarcastic, but yet so kind to me. He really was a different demon from when I had first met him. But I liked the improvements he had made, he was a lot better to be around. I would have even went out on a limb and called him my friend. And maybe not even a limb, he was my friend. We cared for each other in some weird, twisted way, but for us, it was normal. Maybe this was the normal I needed? It was consistent at least, consistency was always nice. His friendship was nice as well. For some reason then and there I knew he was my companion, my friend, but I didn't realize to what extent that would be come. Our relationship was not normal-I was not normal. but what was normal anyways? 

He always made  sure my nightmares stayed away. He kept my demons, my literal demons at bay. He did make sure to come every night and stayed by my side and he never complained. He made sure i was OK. And I was truly convinced that it wasn't because he felt bad, it was because he really did feel for me. Maybe he considered me a friend too? Did he need me too or was I over thinking this? Was he playing me still? Was I nothing more than a toy to build up and then tear down again? My mind hated me. It always played this games with me. But this time, I decided to ignore it and push it away. Fuck my mind and fuck it's doubt. I was tired of it and tired of everything it did to me. 

 I could feel the sharp pains in my stomach again, as it growled louder. It wanted food and it wanted it right now, but it was getting on my nerves. Have patience stomach, I needed to get my mind focused on the task at hand: making a damn grocery list. I hated this. I wish sometimes he could just read my mind and know what I wanted or restock the fridge without a list. But how could he? He was around yes, but not when I ate. He didn't know what I liked, but that was OK too. It was better I made a list and got EXACTLY what I wanted, then depend on him-again to make decisions for me. My mind was too indecisive, too annoying to deal with right now. So i had to go back to my list, think and think hard about it. But I kept getting distracted by the way Crowley looked. He still looked semi-miserable and I wanted to make sure he was OK. I wanted to make sure that he didn't need anything else. I think I was genially worried about him, that little twinge in my gut that persisted I ask him what was wrong or ask him if he needed anything else. 

And before I could catch myself or contemplate more, my mouth opened for me.

"Do you need anything else?" I asked quietly, as my eyes widened. I just stared down at my piece of paper and slightly bit my lip. I didn't know why I was so nervous about this, it was a simple question. I just chalked it up to my anxiety or my lack of confidence in situations like this. 

His body stirred slightly, as I heard a chuckle rumble from his chest. And I quickly looked over at him, as a small smile crossed his lips. I felt my cheeks heat up slightly and I could feel the embarrassment setting in. Great, he was laughing at me. I'm so glad I was amusing to him, ugh. but he just ended up shaking his head and settling back down. His fingers still pinched the bridge of his nose and I heard him sigh heavily. 

"Only if you've gotten a new bloody demon army up your sleeve." He said with sarcasm, as he peeked an eye open at me. I just quickly shook my head, as I grinned back at him. 

"Not today, sorry," I said jokingly, as he shrugged his shoulders. 

"Bloody prats," he grumbled to himself, as he continued to stare at me. And it was like he wanted more from me-to keep the conversation going. But I wasn't sure how to respond, he seemed upset with his demons. 

"What's wrong with them?" I asked bravely, as I got an eye roll in return full of attitude and I could just see the sassiness on face. 

"What's wrong with them? What's wrong with them?" He asked in a slightly raised voice, as he threw himself into the back of the couch like a over dramatic fool.

"What's wrong with them is that they're bloody traitorous demons who are ruining my Hell. _MY_ Hell that I built. All because some blasted Knight of Hell ginger come back and now..now.." he grumbled again with hatred in his voice. His face scrunched up like a child who had just eaten a lemon and he looked disgusted. and I couldn't really wrap my mind around demons actually being loyal? Where they really that loyal to him? and a Knight of Hell.....where had I heard that before....? Why did that seem so familiar to me? 

A knight of hell, now you don't hear about those very often or at all. And I knew why. I knew why you hadn't heard about them, they were supposed to have been dead-eradicated years ago by the angels. if I remember right. i remembered now why it sounded so familiar, why it made me nearly jump from my seat with excitement. I had read about them before in a book that I once had. A smile crossed my face when I thought about that day. 

Bobby. My second father Bobby, had given it to me as a birthday present. It was just an old leather bond book full of lore. Full of the lore I loved to read about and it had a section on Knights of Hell and for some reason I could remember some of the details, although it was a little fuzzy. I'm sure some of the details were probably a little off, I hadn't seen that book or Bobby in years. 

"What's wrong with your face? You look like you've seen a ghost?" He asked quickly, as I shook my head out of my thoughts. And he was right, my mouth was ajar like I had been afraid. But that wasn't it-well kind of.

I was afraid if there was still a Knight of Hell running around. They were not to be messed with. And not only because they were almost unkillable, but because they were forged from pure evil, from one of the very first demons. They were bred to be his army, the most evil demons around. I was afraid of this Knight of Hell, because not only had I read a book all about them as an adult. I remembered as a young child hearing John Winchester talk about them. He seemed frightened and scared about them. But I do remember him talking to Bobby about the first blade or something along those lines. I remember them discussing the mark of Cain and the first blade? But it was all fuzzy, some of the details any way. But I wondered if this could help him? 

He had just gotten off of a hunt and I was young-probably four, but I had over heard him. I had needed a glass of water and had sneaked down the stairs at Bobby's and John had barged in. He was waving his journal all around going on and on about the Knights of Hell and some chick named Tara. And I wont even repeat what he had to say about her, because...gross. But I remembered it all and It must have been written all over my face, because he was in my face now. 

He snapped his fingers in front of my face and I nearly jumped off the couch. "What?" I gasped out, as I turned to look at him. His eyes were narrowed in on me, as he checked my face over. 

"I say Knight of Hell and you look like you've seen a ghost. Why the face, darling?" He asked quickly and very suspiciously. He knew I knew something and he wasn't going to let it go, but that was OK. Why hide any information I have? It was pointless really, If I could potentially help to stop this thing, then I would. I read all about them, I knew what they could do. But i honestly thought that they had all been eradicated and were no more. I wondered why this one had come back or even how?

"I had a book once," I started quietly, as I turned my head to look at him. His eyes were wide and I could see the anticipation in them. He seemed excited to get to know this information. But shouldn't he have known all this? He was the King of hell. But I still went on, I didn't know why. I guess to indulge him a little bit.

"It was full of lore on them It told all about their weaknesses, which isn't really anything. It said that the archangels wiped him out, at least-according to the book." I spat out quickly, as he shook his head. 

And I could see him processing the information, as he sucked his bottom lip into his mouth and then quickly released it. "But that's not the only thing," I said quickly, as our eyes locked gazes again. 

"When I was younger I had over heard John talking about it. He was trying to track down the blade or the mark or something to do with the Knights of Hell. I'm not exact on the details, I was about four. But I know what I heard, because it stuck with me my whole life." I said quietly and I felt like I had no confidence with what I was saying. 

But I saw his eyes light up quickly when I mentioned Johns name and I saw the smirk that rolled across his lips. "John you say? As In.."

"Yes, John Winchester." I interrupted quickly, as I shook my head. And I could see the wonder in his eyes. I could see that he was very pleased with what I had said. 

"You know, darling, sometimes I forget that you were a hunter." He said through a smirk, as he lightly patted my back. And I immediately rolled my eyes, as I shook my head. 

"I wasn't a hunter, remember? I was just..."

"A Bobby?" He said slyly and I shook my head. 

"I was, basically. If he couldn't find whatever they were looking for, I did. I was good at my job." I said through a smile, as the memories floated through my brain. Everything that I had done for Sam and Dean and even Bobby, was now a distant memory. And it made me kind of miss what I had and what I had done. I loved being their go to girl. I loved being the person to call when they couldn't come up with their monster of the week. I miss it. I kinda of missed being me. And the only thing I could do was hope that one day-just maybe i could be the girl I used to be. I could be the same girl one day who helped them, but now. Now I had at least gotten a little thrill in helping Crowley. And it made me feel good what I had done. It felt like for a second i was the old me and I liked it.

"But you already knew all of that didn't you? All that information about the Knights of Hell?" I asked quietly, as I looked over at him. And i saw his facial features change slightly, as he gave a shrug. I didn't want to feel useless to him, but I had a feeling that he had already known about the information I had told him. And that was alright, i figured he knew it, but it was so nice to be able to help someone again with this. 

"Mostly," he started off, as a sly smirk spread across his lips. " But you did give me a lead, Petal. A very good lead indeed." He said through confidence, as he shook his head and I just snorted.  

"He will never in a million years let you see that journal.  That's like his sacred bible and he never parts with it." I said through small laughs and shook my head. No way in hell Dean would ever let him touch it, there is no way no how. 

"Don't be so sure, darling." Was all he said, as we fell into silence. But I could still feel him close to me and we stayed there like that. It was almost as if he were waiting for something and I remembered what I had in my lap. 

I peered back down at my list that was still in my lap. And I sighed, as I noticed it was done. Everything that I wanted was on the list and now all I had to do was have Crowley call it in and then in a few hours I would have all the food I could dream of. I already had a nice dinner planned: a nice steak on the little grill on the counter, a baked potato with cheese on top, and a side of corn to go with it. I couldn't wait to dig into all that food, but now I had to ask him to do. 

"Crowley?" I inquired, as I looked over at him and he raised a brow. I slowly handed my list over to him, as he peered down at it and shook his head. 

"It's a very impressive list, love. You have a lot of fine foods on here." He said softly, as his eyes scanned the entire piece of paper. " But what do you want me to do with it?" He retorted quickly, as he handed it back to me like he no longer wanted to hold it. And my heart nearly fell into my stomach. Was he stupid?

"What you usually do?" I said meekly, as I looked down at the paper. I could feel my anxiety rising in the pit of my stomach toward my head, because I knew where this was going. He was going to make me do what I didn't want to do. And I could feel the panic setting in. I could feel it. I could feel all the terrible feelings swimming inside of me. And I closed my eyes. This was going to happen. This was really going to happen and I knew it. I fucking knew it and I wanted to cry and run away. But I knew I couldn't. I had to. I had to talk to someone besides Crowley eventually. I knew I did and I guess...I guess it was time. 

"Breathe," he said simply, as I felt his warm hand glide up and down my back. And it was actually comforting, as I shook my head. 

"You knew this would come eventually and remember we have to prepare you for the Gala. We have to prepare you for the world." He said softly and kindly, and I could tell he was trying to console me. He was trying to comfort me and it did make me feel better. But I was going to talk to someone else. I was going to speak with someone else that wasn't Crowley. Would I be ok? Would I actually be able to get the words out?! 

"I-i-dont know...I know know if I can do this, please don't make me." I begged quietly, as my eyes remained closed. I didn't want to look at him. I didn't want to do anything, but disappear. I didn't want to be me. I wanted it to all go away and now I could hear the ringing in my ears. I could feel the sweat pouring down my face and my palms were clammy. 

"I'm sorry, Love. If you didn't need to do this, I-I would always do it for you. But it's not that hard, once you get it-it'll be easy." He said very quietly now and his voice seemed to crack a little, as he spoke to me. and i just shook my head. I didn't want to, but I wanted to? It was confusing. I wanted to get better, but I wanted it to just happen. I didn't want to work at it, but then again I did. What was wrong with me? 

"What-What do I say? How do I do this?" I asked in almost a whisper, as he slipped the thin black phone into my hand. I tightened my fingers around it and I could feel the sweat forming around the phone. It was leaking out of my hands like a faucet and I could feel myself losing control. My mind told me to run, but my body was shaking too much to actually move. 

I heard his fingers snap and I looked down at the piece of paper. It had written instructions on it and I scanned every word over and over again. I tried to say them aloud, but my tongue felt heavy and swollen. It felt like I couldn't pick it up and I could feel myself going into a full blown panic. My mind was all over the place, but I had to calm myself down. I had to do this. He obviously had no intention of calling it in. So-If i wanted to eat, if i wanted to get food into my eager belly-I had to. I had to call them and I had to stay calm. So with everything I had, I took a deep breath. I tried to take my mind to a calmer place-a simpler place. I imagined myself at home, where I used to live. I imagined myself surrounded by the books and people I had loved so much. And I breathed. Deep breath after deep breath I finally calmed myself so I could at least talk. But I couldn't stop myself from jittering all over the place. My hands were in constant movement, but he dialed the number for me. 

I placed the phone right next to my ear and Crowley pulled me into him. My head rested on his shoulder, but my body still shook against him. And he held me tight, as he laid his cheek against the top of my head. And it was comforting to have him here with me like that. To have him right by my side, trying to hold me still, as I spoke.  My eyes continued to scan the words over and over again and by the time the other man picked up, I had them memorized. So i could close my eyes and tried to take myself away from the situation. I tried to remove myself from the awkwardness and embarrassment I felt. I felt the heat rising in my cheeks, as I tried to slow my breathing down. And by the time it was all over. By the time I had finally told the man everything I wanted, I dropped the phone from my shaky hands, and let it stay on the floor. 

I wanted to sob. I wanted to walk. I wanted to do anything, but think about what I had just done. I could feel the bile rising in the back of my throat and it burned. It burned so bad, as I tried to keep it down. I tried to keep from giving in to my panic and my anxiety. And it worked, but only because of him. He continued to hold me and comfort me, as my attack slowed down. My stomach settled, but my body continued to shake. It was going to take me a long time to get over this, but I had done it. 

"You should be proud, Petal. You spoke to someone besides me. You did it, Lorna. You did an amazing job, now I need you to calm down." He said softly in a soothing tone and I felt it. It was a calming sense that washed over me and I finally calmed down. But i could feel the exhaustion setting in. All that adrenaline I had used, was biting me in the ass. I buried my head into his shoulder and I could hear the familiar sounds from him. The way his breaths when in and out. The way his heart thudded against his chest, it was everything that calmed me. It was everything that made me feel better. And i was calm, but tired. 

And I pulled myself away from him reluctantly, I didn't really want to get off of him. He was soothing me so much, I wanted to sleep. And I wanted him to stay, but I could tell by the look on his face that he had business to do. That was ok though. He had business, I couldn't stop him from that. 

"Will you..." I hesitated slightly, as I leaned my head against the couch cushion. "Will you be back tonight?" I asked softly, as my voice slowly faded. I was losing my energy quickly and sleep was inevitable. But I was afraid to sleep, especially with him leaving. He always kept my nightmares away. He made me feel comfortable. 

"I'll try my best, Petal." He said softly and with that he was gone. But I knew that he wouldn't be back any time soon. If he was after that journal, he would have to find Dean. And I was pretty sure there would be a fight there. But I needed him.

"I need you," I whispered into the nothingness, as my head melted further and further into the cushion. And I could feel the sleep taking me over, but only for a little while. I knew in the end my mind would torture me more than anything in this world could, and boy was I right. 

 


	12. Rock Bottom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lorna has a breakdown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter contains several things. Suicidal thoughts. Shes ready for an end. She can't take it anymore. Lorna has a anxiety attack,probably a mental break down. Her and Crowley get into a screaming match. She's not herself, she's desperate for his company. 
> 
> tbh, i think it jumps around a lot. She has a bad nightmare and she just cant take it anymore. so I hope I warned appropriately. Her emotions are kind of unstable and unfortunately she probably sounds needy and annoying. This chapter does finally mention Crowley's blood addiction. And in the next chapter we willsee it. 
> 
> And I'm so sorry for the delays,it was kinda hard to write this to get into this mind frame. SO i hope I wrote it ok. Thanks again for reading guys and thank you foryour comments! They mean everything! ^^!

Some days were better than others. Some days I could easily pretend to ignore my nagging mind. Some days i could pretend that nothing bothered me, so Crowley wouldn't ask questions or nag me to talk about it.Some days were mentally better than some and then some days, some other days, were not. Most days were awful and confusing. So confusing, that I didn't know what to do with myself.

Some days I wanted to bury my head into my pillow or scream at the top of my lungs. Some days i did exactly that or whatever I  could do to take away my pain.

Some days I wanted nothing more than to end my pain. I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up, until I was better. Or-even not wake up at all. Some days I wanted to-to..... die. And  I know that probably seems drastic or dramatic, but after everything i had been , I wanted to end it so my mind would leave me alone. So it would stop torturing me. So my anxiety and my depression and my fears would be over. I wanted it to be over, but then again.....then again, I wanted to be free-free sounded nice. Free to be myself-my old self, it sounded wonderful.

But it wasn't always the first thing that popped into my mind, no. This wasn't how I usually felt or had been since I had gotten here. After having my feelings ripped from me all those years ago.  After I had swallowed my pain and had turned off everything about myself, it was hard to feel again. It was hard to have my emotions back and in full force. It was hard to have flipped the switch back on, because I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't understand how to to cope with my new pains and fears and emotions. I didn't know.

It was hard to mentally and even physically be here sometimes. I just wanted an end.  I just wanted peace and was the too much to ask for? Honestly if anyone else was in my shoes, they'd probably be on medication. They'd probably be getting help of some sort. They'd probably have a councilor or a therapist to talk to.  And I was getting help, I guess. I had Crowley and that mattered, right? He was my person to talk to. He was my person to spill my feelings to, sometimes by force. He was basically my person to turn to, but there was one problem. One -major-problem.

He had left me in my most desperate time of need. He had left me to rest on the couch as he took the new information I had given him and left. He left me after I had had a major anxiety attack. I had just talked to the first person I had talked to in a long time. It was the first person I had spoken words to, since I had been taken.  He was the first person I had spoken to since-since, Dean. My Dean and my Sam on the phone the day Crowley forced me to call them. That was the last time and now. Now I had finally spoken to another person and I had been expecting them to knock at any moment. And I should have felt good. I should have felt good about this new improvement I had made, but I didn't.

It filled me with anxiety. I was shaking and I felt nauseous. I just didn't feel well. My body felt out of control and so did my mind. It seemed like I was crashing in on myself like the walls were closing in and quickly.  I felt slightly claustrophobic and I just wasn't right. I felt like I was headed for some sort of mental break down and I knew it. I knew it was coming. I could feel it, as it buzzed through my body.

I had just woken up from an awful nightmare. I was on the couch and I was soaked in sweat. I had woken up, just as an ear piercing scream left my throat and sweat still poured from every inch of me. I could feel it, as it cascaded down my skin. My eyes frantically scanned the room around me and my heart nearly dropped out of my body. My stomach lurched and I could feel the panic swimming through my veins. I could feel the bile rising in the back of my throat, as my breaths continued to heave and my lungs begged for more air. But it wasn't coming and coughing ensued as my throat felt dry. Everything felt wrong, as my throat slightly throbbed.

I was awake, but not really. I was still in the nightmare that I had just been, the same one that haunted my dreams for months and months. It never left me. It was only kept at bay by Crowley and now. Now I was still in my prison and I frantically closed my eyes and clamped them shut. I tried to rub them over and over, hoping to wipe the images from my eyes. I need to do something-anything to make it go away.

I could hear my surroundings and it was the same silence I had gotten used to in the apartment. It was the same sounds of nothingness that i had become accustomed to. There were no distant screams and no signs that I was back. But when my eyes opened it was a different story. My mind and eyes saw what I knew wasn't really there. But every time I opened my eyes it was right in front of me. Everything that had been in my prison surrounded me and I was frightened. I was frightened about what was going to happen. About where I was or who was really here with me.

My heart was hammering and I was trying to get my breaths under control, but it was useless. I was useless now. I didn't known if I was going to be able to come back from this without going completely mental. Would I even survive?

My mind was in an all out war with itself. Words of blame and utter disgust echoed through my mind. The blame game started in louder and louder every time I took a breath.   I blamed myself for everything that happened. If in could have just kept myself from drinking so much that night, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have gotten Crowley so interested in me. I wouldn't have made him think I was his property. It was all my fault, everything. And I hated myself for it  every night I cursed myself, but I wasn't the one. There was someone else i blamed and he was no saint. He was no fucking saint at all.

I blamed Crowley. I began to blame him over and over, this was his fault. He wasn't here to protect me. He wasn't here to hold me like he had promised he would. He promised to be with me any time I slept and he knew it. But he was also the reason I was here and in this situation. He was the reason I was so fucked up and I couldn't hold back those feelings. I wanted to yell and scream and cry. I wanted to be at peace, but I was spiraling out of control. I was spiraling and I didn't think I could keep on functioning like a normal human being.

I swallowed hard, as my mind tried to mess with me more. Everywhere I looked I could see my nightmares-my demons looming in the darkness of the shadows. It was like they were waiting for me to fail and they wanted to take me back. It was like they were waiting to pounce like I was their prey and they were the predator. I could see their faces every time I closed my eyes. They were everywhere. They were truly haunting me from beyond my dreams. It was like they were really here and I felt so crazy-beyond crazy.

I was hallucinating their existence, because I knew they were dead. I knew Crowley had killed them- i had seen it, right? Or was it a joke? Did he really kill them? I was driving myself insane with this doubt. This doubt that drove my every move and I was done. So utterly done. I wanted to march into that bathroom and drown. I wanted to pull my hair out with my fingers and just make it stop! I wanted to drive a screwdriver through my head just to make my mind stop torturing me. I was exhausted-I was done. So done and it was the worst time ever to hear a light tap on the door of the apartment. The absolute worst time for the stupid delivery man to show up.

It was a light knock and a small male voice rang out, "Hello? It's Jim from the store. I'm just here to drop off your order." He said softly and I closed my eyes. He sounded very friendly too. I could hear the compassion and humanity in his voice. He sounded different, not like Crowley and it was reassuring-at least a little. To know that an actual human being was standing outside my door waiting for me. A human, not a demon or monster, an actual human. So why was I so afraid to answer the door?

I was going to have to do this. I was going to have to answer the door, but I didn't want to. I really really didn't want to. Normally when this man showed up, I ran to my room and I hid. I hid like a child afraid of monsters in the closet, except my monsters were other people. People who weren't Crowley and that was really fucked up.

I rocked back and forth slightly, as he impatiently knocked again and I shook my head. I was going to have to get up if I wanted to eat. If I wanted to get some food into my very starving belly. This was it. I was going to have to face him. There was a small voice in the back of my mind that cheered me on and it made me get up off the couch. Every step I took was a victory and fireworks of praise were going off in my mind. This was it-I had finally made it to the door.

I hesitantly rested my hand on the door knob and I could fell myswlr as I shook, but I latched onto the handle hard. I tried to contain my shaking hand as best as I could. I tried to make it look like I wasn't effected by this at all. That I was in fact OK. This was just a human being. He was harmless or so I hoped.

I swallowed hard. This was it. This was the moment I had been waiting for and I turned the knob. I turned it and pulled the door toward me and peeked my head through the crack, but I nearly puked. My eyes nearly bulged out of my head. Bile rose in the back of my throat again and burned the whole way up. My stomach furiously turned, as a breath hitched in the back of my throat. My mind wasn't done torturing me. The man stood there with a smile and I knew it wasn't who I saw, but I could still feel myself freaking out. And his brows furrowed slightly, as he raised a clear plastic bag into view. He gestured with his head, as he tilted it-it was like he was trying to signal to me that i was just food. But all I could see was my demons face. The demons who had tortured me, it was them. They were there staring me in the face, but I knew they really weren't. I'd be a loon if I had actually thought it was them.

"I'm just here to deliver this, Miss, are you ok?" He asked with concern and I nervously shook me head.

"Y-Yes, please c-c-ome in." I said through nervous stammers and I gestured for him to enter the apartment by waving my hand a little. I tried to make myself not seem so nervous, but I couldn't let go of the door. I used it as a shield, as I stood with it open. I had to have some sort of shield. I had to be able to protect myself if this went bad. If he decoded to attack or hurt me? But I knew the truth. I wouldn't be able to stop him. I wouldn't. I was too weak and too small, but I was OK with that. I really was. I would gladly let him harm me, because at this point- i was done. So done and so frightened about I everything and I must have been, because my mind blocked all of it out. Darkness enveloped my vision and my eyes seemed to cloud over. I could feel a fog drifting over my mind and everything went dark. Black. There was nothing and I was nothing. I was not there.

One minute this man was here standing in front of me. He Had been placing bags onto the counter and the next. The next moment I was alone. I was in the shower and my body shuddered. It shook me violently around, as I blinked my eyes and I looked around. Cold water beat down from the shower head onto my body and it felt like icicles were floating across my skin. Goosebumps erupted everywhere on my body, as I shivered from the cold. The water seemed to wake my dull mind up, as I realized what was happening.. What the fuck was I doing? I looked down at myself and I still had my clothes on and I was soaking wet. What the fuck? Was I-Was I in the shower? How the hell did I get into the shower?

My head spun in circles, as I looked around. Dizziness took over my head, as I tried to understand what was going on. My heavy breaths spilled from my nose, as my eyes widened. Panic rose in my stomach, as my finger tips glazed across the cool tile walls. My mind couldn't wrap itself around what had just happened. I was just somewhere and now i was here. How'd I get here, how did this happen? Did this man do something to me? Did he hurt me?

My eyes frantically scanned my body and nothing. There was nothing but pale, fragile, porcelain skin staring back at me. There were no discolorations, no bruises. But it felt like spiders were crawling on every inch of my body. It was like they were making their way toward my face and I couldn't take it. The tingling and tickling and it drove me mad. My fingers tore into the fabric of my shirt, as it shredded to pieces onto the ground. My finger nails tore into my flesh, as I cried out in agony. I could feel myself digging into the flesh of my stomach and my legs, as I tore at the fabric. But I couldn't stop-the tingling, the tickling-it wouldn't go away. I tore into my flesh more I couldn't  get the feeling to leave me. Why was this happening? I was literally going crazy and I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't stop myself from ripping my night shorts off. I couldn't stop myself from punching the tile over and over again until my knuckles bled and possibly broke. I couldn't do it. I destroyed the bathroom. I broke things, the mirror, the glass bottles he had in there.  I couldn't stop myself. My mind was a mess. A sick and pathetic utter mess. I hated myself. I hated everything around me.

My mind was twirling and swimming, as I walked around the bathroom. Blood leaked from multiple wounds on my body. My limbs felt tired and weak and a headache pounded in the back of my skull. My knuckles throbbed in agony, as I wrapped a towel around them. I had to stop the bleeding, but I couldn't get my mind to care. It yelled at me to let it bleed out, to just not do anything. But another voice told me to put a towel over it, to help myself. I didn't know what I wanted at this point. I was down and out. This was absolutely my lowest point since I had been saved. Tears burned at the rims of my eyes, as they slowly cascaded down my cheeks. My feet lazily dragged on the carpet of the bedroom floor, as I slowly got myself dressed. I couldn't take anymore. I needed Crowley. I needed him to be here. He needed to tell me I was going to be OK. That I wasn't going to die or nor did I need to, even after I had blamed him-I still wanted him here. But why. All this was his fault or was it?

The darkness consumed me and I didn't fight it. It hovered around my weak form and I couldn't do anything. I couldn't do anything but pull my cold, bare legs against myself. My warm forehead rested against it and I sighed heavily. Tears still burned down my face, but I had at least settled down. My mind still felt weak and cloudy, but I was settled for now. This was all I could do for now. I could only sit here in the dark and wallow in self pity. I could only let the darkness be my friend. I couldn't turn on the TV to drown my pain away. I couldn't turn to books at this time. It was just me and the darkness and the dangerous thoughts running through my head.

Silent prayers ran through my mind, as my body slightly rocked in place. I begged for God to kill me on the spot, like i had begged for so many times before. But it never worked and I never expected it to work again. Why would he save me now? I took refuge in the home of a demon-a bad demon. So why would God even consider saving me now? What was the point of all this now? But I kept at it, for some reason it made me feel better. I begged him to take me away from here or send me a savior. I begged for him to send me someone to save me, because I couldn't take it anymore. If I was left alone anymore-I wouldn't survive. And God must have heard my prayers, he must have.

Faint footsteps echoed in the distance, as the front door squeaked open. I heard small shuffles followed by loud huffs and small curses. The small voice of Crowley thick accent rang through the air and a tear ran down my face. Was this who God thought I needed right now? Was this really what I needed? My heart fell into my stomach, as his footsteps came closer. They were small in stride and shuffled against the carpet of the bedroom. I heard a tiny click of the bathroom light switch followed by another small curse and I clamped my eyes together, as my heart fell into my stomach.

He had seen the mess. The mess I had made when my anger had boiled over and I felt awful. I had ruined so many of his things and it made me feel so awful. I was an awful person, ruining the things of the man who had taken such good care of me. I was so bad-a bad person. His footsteps slowly approached me, as they still shuffled. I could hear the ruffle of the carpet under his feet and I could tell that he was being cautious. He didn't dare turn a light on, as I felt the bed beside me dip down. The covers ruffled, as he ran his hands over it and then I felt it. His warm hand on my back, as he shifted it up and down slightly. And I almost cried out loud at how gentle he was being. I was so stupid, so fucking stupid for everything that I had thought or had just done.

"You managed to scare the poor delivery man so much, that he called to inform me that my wife seemed ill." He said softly and I could feel his warm breaths bounce off the exposed skin of my shoulder. But I didn't make a noise, I just continued to sit there. And he gave another heavy breath, as he continued to sit with me.

"Bad day, darling?" He asked, as he broke the silence around us. The darkness seemed to be less frightening, as my head shook up and down. Comfort surrounded my body, as I felt him shift again beside me, but he never got up. He stayed there with me like he had done when he had first discovered me in my prison.

"I'm sorry," I said in a small voice. My voice barely above an audible whisper, but after all the screaming. I could feel the burn in my throat with every word I said to him. But I was sorry, for what I had done.

"Well-I had always intended to redecorate in there. And now seems like the perfect time." He said softly and I could hear the smirk on his face, as his hand continued to rub my back. He did make me feel better. I could feel my tension leaving. And comfort wrapped around me like a blanket and I gave a small sigh. It was nice to have him here with me again, he was just who I needed. For some stupid reason he had become my comfort now. He made everything better, despite the circumstances.

The scent of brimstone and whiskey floated through the air. It was him. The same familiar smell I had grown to love. The smell that had comforted me for so many nights. He was finally here and I couldn't let him go. I couldn't let him leave me here again-not again. Not so soon anyways. I didn't think I could handle it, another night or day alone. I barely functioned for the short time he was gone. Man-I was pathetic. An utter, despicable mess, how did he even put up with me?

Dizziness continued to wash over my mind, but I lifted my head up in spite of it. I manged to turn my tear soaked face toward his and shook my head. "I really am sorry," I managed to choke out, as more tears down my face.

"I really-I don't know-" I sucked in a heavy breath, as my voice started to fail me. "I don't understand-I don't know what happened." I said softly, as a his warm hand glided across my cheek. His rough padded finger tips slowly wiped away a stray tear and he shook his head.

"Darling," he started off softly, as his eyes wandered over my body. And I could feel him examining me. I could feel his eyes penetrating through me and he could see my wounds. He could see the blood that spilled from me.

"Darling, tell me what happened. Talk to me, love." He said softly, as his fingers worked over the towel that laid on my hand. And I could feel him, as he completely unwrapped it and he saw the damage.

I didn't really want to go into detail. I didn't really want to tell him everything, but I knew I had to. If I was ever going to actually get better, I was going to have to tell him.

"I don't know, Crowls," I started off weakly. "One minute I was greeting him and I let him in. I actually talked to him OK. But my mind-it-was fucking with me. I don't know what happened. I had-had a nightmare. With those ugly bastards in it and I just-I'm just-I'm just not OK." I rambled on taking short breaths here and there. Stutters plagued my speech again, as more tears fell down my face. And I felt slightly refreshed, as the silence fell upon us. It was nice to tell him things like that and get them off my chest, even though I didn't really like to.

"Darling, shh," he said softly and I could hear how he was trying to comfort me just by his tone. "Darling, this happens. I honestly expected something like this ages ago. It's normal to feel like this. It perfectly normal to act out like that and destroy bathrooms apparently." He said through a small chuckle and I couldn't help it. I gave a small laugh and I really wanted to smack his chest, but I remained still, as I looked into his eyes. I could see the compassion he had for me in this moment. And I truly felt like, maybe just maybe he knew what I was going through. Maybe he knew what kind of Hell I had been through and why it haunts me so much.

"Shut up," I said playfully, as I felt a warming sensation take over my hand. It felt like all the pain I had just put it through by punching the tile was gone. He had lifted a burden from me that I secretly had dreaded and he never said a word about it. He had just fixed it for me and I was truly grateful for that.

"Feeling better now, love?" He asked with sincerity and I just nodded. I could feel it now more than I had before. With him just being here for a short time I felt more comfortable and my pains were gone. My mind had ended its war with itself and finally had brought me some peace. I was getting better, slowly, but I still didn't want him to leave me again. And i knew that he had business to take care of. I knew he had Hell to run and it probably made me sound selfish and needy, but that's what I was. I needed him to stay with me. I needed him to be my sanctuary for just a little longer.

"A little," I replied meekly, as he stroked my cheek again.

"Next time, darling, give me....." He started, as an annoying ring tone spilled from his suit jacket. And it was the absolute worst time for his phone to start ringing, because I knew what that meant immediately. He was going to leave me.

He quickly dug into his pocket and raised a brow, as he checked the caller ID. A small smirk pulled at his lips, as he put a finger up in my direction. I could tell by his quick movements that he had been expecting the call and it made my heart drop into my stomach.

"Important call, love, give me just a minute." He said quickly, as he hurriedly got off the bed. He paced around the room, as I sat and watched.

I could hear a small woman's voice on the other end, but I couldn't make out what she was saying. Her words seemed to run together, but whatever she was saying I could see Crowley liked it. The way his face lit up at everything she said. He seemed excited for whatever was going to happen just by the genuine smile on his face. But I didn't understand why he was so excited or why she seemed to be a goodness to him, but by the time they hung up he was like a giddy school boy awaiting his goodies. He seemed full of joy and he was very eager to leave.

"I'm so sorry, my darling, but something has come up. Hell business, you understand, right?" He asked quickly and he was straight to the point with it, as he began to walk toward the bedroom door. He was just going to leave me just like that?

I could feel the desperation building up inside of me. No. No. No. This is not how this was supposed to go. He was supposed to stay here with me, I couldn't do this by myself right now. I couldn't function again, let alone sleep like my body needed to. I needed to fall asleep, but I couldn't. Not really. Not without him.

"Please!" I begged loudly, words falling out of my mouth before I could process them.

"Please stay here." I said, as he quickly stopped mid step. But he shook his head, as his body ever so slightly turned toward me and I couldn't see his eyes. I couldn't see the anger that had built up in them, but if i had I would have been afraid. I would have let him go.

"Love, I have to. It's pertinent I leave right now. I'll be back later, like i always am." He said quickly, but I could see it on his face.  I could hear it in his tone with every word he said to me. He was irritated with me. He was becoming upset with me and normally I wouldn't push it, but this felt important. This felt right to beg him. I had to beg him. I couldn't stay alone not like this. Yes I was calmer than I was, but I was exhausted. I needed sleep and that never came easy without him. Like it had just a few hours ago, my nightmares. I was scared and I did stupid things when I was scared. So I had to push him. I had to beg him-there was no other way. I needed him. I needed his company. I couldn't explain why, but I did.

"Please no!" I nearly shouted, as he had turned to start to leave again. But he immediately stopped and this time his body language shouted anger. The way he stood and the way he glared back at me this time. I could see it in his eyes, as he turned around. The glint of disdain and the furious way his face snarled at me. He almost seemed desperate as well, but for what I wasn't sure.

"Please, I'm begging you, Crowley. I need you." I begged, as I carefully stepped off the bed. My wobbly legs still felt like jello, as I took a step towards him. And he shook his head angrily back and forth.

"And you don't think I have needs too, Petal?" He spat back at me in disgust, as he took another step. "Do you think I want to sit here and watch you wallow in more self pity?" He angrily said, as every word hit me like a ton of bricks, but I had to shake it off. I couldn't let his words hurt me now, not now.

"No-I," I said through stutters and he quickly rolled his eyes like he was bored of me. Like he was so irritated that he had ran out of words.

I hadn't seen him this hateful and this upset in a very long time and especially not towards me. But I couldn't hold it in any longer. I was tired of holding it in. My anger, my pain, my everything and it all came out right in front of him. Tears burned down my face, as I waved my arms around at him.

"You're such an asshole!" I spat quickly, as I took another hateful step towards him. This was it. This was my war.

"GO! GO AND GET WHATEVER YOU NEED! I'll just be here. Afraid for my FUCKING life! I'll be here by my fucking self, fuck you! This is ALL YOUR FAULT! ALL OF THIS! Why I FEEL LIKE THIS! Everything! If you would have let me go like you had promised! I WOULDN'T BE HERE! I wouldn't be as FUCKED UP as I am. EVERYTHING is your fault! I could have been married by now! I COULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY!BUT you had to ruin that! You had to march into my room that night and fuck me. You just had to have what you wanted. And HEAVEN forbid I not be your property! THAT'S WHY YOU TOOK ME YOU JEALOUS BASTARD! FUCK! And then those stupid henchmen, your stupid ass demons! THEY TORTURED ME! THEY USED ME OVER AND OVER AGAIN! They used those fucking tools on me and experimented on me! And you knows whose fault that is DO YOU?! ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!" I shouted at him, as my chest heaved up and down. Angry tears fell down my cheeks. I stared into his angry eyes, as he tucked his hands into his pockets and I knew he was mad. He was so mad, but so was I. Fuck him. Everything that I had said was all his fault, EVERYTHING!

My heart pounded through my chest, as I continued to eye him. He just stood there looking me up and down. And deep down inside I really wished he would have reached over and killed me. I knew he could. He could kill me with the flick of a wrist, so why not now. I was so miserable and I had probably just ruined the one thing I had that kept me comfortable. I probably had just ruined everything, but I didn't regret my words. I had been thinking that for so long that they had just flown out. There was no stopping them.

"My fault? My fault? Yes everything is my fault isn't it?" He said slowly and had an odd calmness to his words. But I knew he was about to explode. If he would have been a cartoon character he would have had steam popping out of his ears by now. I knew he was mad and I didn't blame him for being mad, because I would have been too. I had just laid everything down. Just laid my true feelings on the line, the feelings I had felt all day after my freak out.

"Do you know what those bloody Winchester's did to me? DO YOU?!" He yelled at me and my body stayed strong, as I shook my head. He had never really went into detail about it. He had just told me that he was part of a trial to close Hell and they had injected him with human blood. And that's why he had come back so different and kind and gentle. He had had his humanity back and I could still see it in him. But I could also see the deadly, ruthless demon that I had met all those years ago.

"Those bloody prats you called your friends INJECTED ME WITH HUMAN BLOOD. The very blood that courses through your small little body. The very blood THAT I'M FUCKING ADDICTED TO!" He shouted with a red face, as my eyes widened and my heart seemed to stop.

"Addicted to?" I said softly and he just shook his head.

"Where do you think I'm going, hmmm? I'm not going to take care of Hell business. I'm going to take care of my own business. It's something I need, Petal. It's something that I have to have and If I don't have it soon..." He said softly, as he calmed down quite a bit.

"I know you think you need me here, but you don't. You're a strong girl, stronger than I had ever anticipated, but I will be back. I can promise that, Darling." He said, as he stepped closer to me and I shut my eyes. He was showing me compassion again even after i had yelled at him.

My brain was still going a million miles a minute and I was trying to think of something, anything to keep him here. I needed him here tonight despite the consequences. Despite what would happen, I needed him here whether he liked it or not. I wasn't strong enough yet. I had barely made it a few hours. I was drowning in fright, anger, and depression. I wasn't ok and I knew he knew that. I could see it in his eyes that he knew that. But he was still about to leave me and I was desperate. I was so desperate that I would have said anything to keep him here. Anything....

"Then take mine," I said quickly, as I held my arms out. I wanted him to take it. I wanted him to bleed me dry. I wasnt afraid. I wasnt nervous, i just wanted and end. And what was the point in being miserable anymore? He was obviously miserable from lack of blood and I was miserable from my emotions. My stupid emotions that had made me say truthful, but very hurtful things to him. I was so confused about everything, but this I was certain about.

And he stared at me like I was an idiot and shook his head. I could see the internal struggle he was going through, as he eyed me angrily. His face curled into a scowl, but i could see it in his eyes. I could see his eyes following the small blue veins that traveled up my arms, as he contemplated. He was intrigued

"Take my blood...." I whispered again.

 

to be continued.....


	13. Just Say Yes...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley has a decision to make and Lorna hopes he makes the right one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Lorna is still suicidal, so she has a few thoughts. Sex mention. There's needle mention and use. Blood use from Crowley. I hope I got them all. 
> 
> Sorry this took me FOREVER! But a big shout out to my friend who helped me! ^^!

His eyes were wide and he shook his head in disbelief. I still held out my arms for him and I silently begged him just to do it. I just wanted him to dig in and do whatever he did to his other victims. There had to be other victims. There had to be other people he had done this to. And I wanted it done to me. I wanted him to take my blood. I didn’t care if it made me weak. I didn’t care if it killed me, I wanted him to do it. I was so far gone, my mind a mess. That I didn't care, I really didn't.

My thoughts were going crazy. They were traveling a million miles a minute. One minute it was screaming at me and the next it was calm. And then the silence took over. My ears rang from the nothing that was around us. There was nothing. No noise. It was just us. It was just me begging him to stay so I wouldn’t be so afraid. And it was just him wanting to leave, but also wanting to take what had just been offered to him. I could see it-in his eyes.

He wanted it. He really did, but something held him back. Something made him stay right in front of me and I wasn’t sure what it was. He wasn’t supposed to care about me, even though I had seen it. Maybe it was a lost cause, maybe I couldn’t tempt him to stay with my blood, but I had to try. It was a necessity for me. I needed him here for some reason-I needed him. And I knew he knew that. I didn’t want to manipulate him with it. I wanted to give him my blood. I knew it was a slippery slope-a tricky situation, but you see. I was so fucked up, I thought I was doing the right thing. Why not make him happy after he had done so much for me? Why not? So what if it killed me or hurt me, I couldn’t hit rock bottom any more than I had.

“Are you daft?” He asked quickly in disbelief  and breathlessly. His voice was strained, but soft, as he continued to stare at me. I could see the wonderment in his eyes. I could see the want and the desperation dripping off of him, as sweat formed on his brow.

“Are you bloody joking?” He asked again in disbelief, as his voice hit an octave higher and he stepped forward.

“Petal, you think you resent me now. How are you going to feel when I take it? How long will it be until you resent me more? After everything that happened to you, between us, and between those demons. I can’t risk having you hate me more.” He said softly with concern, as he stepped forward again. His fingers lightly brushed against me cheek, as he removed some loose hairs from my face. My head shook back and forth, as I pushed into his hand. My comfort. I couldn’t risk him leaving.

“I don’t hate you,” I whispered desperately, as I shook my head.

Did I truly hate him? No, I didn’t-not really. I didn’t really. Even though I had  basically just shouted that at him, I was just angry. I had to constantly remind myself that yes, he did put me into this situation, but he was also helping. He was also putting me up in his apartment on his dime and feeding me. He kept me safe and for some reason he treated me with compassion. He helped me through my difficult spells, so I didn't truly hate him. But he was right, I did resent him for the past, but wouldn't you?

Wouldn't you deep down resent him for all the terrible things he did? Wouldn't you resent him for the emotional, physical. And mental pain he caused? He was a demon, he didn't care back then what he did to me. He didn't care how he made me feel back then. So I resented him for a long list of reasons, but I could never hate him. I could tell he was truly trying to help me.

"Not really," I said softly, as I lowered my arms to my side. My muscles relaxed and I just waited for the inevitable.

I waited for him to say the words that i knew were coming. That despite my efforts. That despite my begging, he was going to leave. He was going to go to the lady on the phone and get his fix. He was going to leave me and I didn't know if I could mentally survive. My mind wasn't right and if he left me alone, I'd probably do the inevitable. I'd probably hurt myself more than I had, probably something more permanent. Something more deadly than just a few scratches here and there.

But I didn't want to tell him that, I didn't want to really manipulate him into staying. I wanted him to stay on his own accord. I wanted him to stay because he wanted to or because he wanted what I had offered. And I really hoped it was both. I wanted him to stay and be happy, to stay and take my offer. I just wanted him to stay. I needed him to stay- my life was on the line.

"I know you don't," he said softly with compassion, as his head shook. His eyes gazed into mine, as his fingers continued to brush against my cheek and I leaned into him still.

I couldn't let my comfort go. He was stability for me right now. He was the rock I needed and I couldn't.  I couldn't let him go, I wouldn't be able to handle it. I was desperate, so ridiculously desperate that i could feel it swirling in my thoughts. I'm sure it showed through my actions. I'm sure it showed in my voice and in my needy eyes, but I couldn't help it. I had never been this desperate and scared before. I latched my hand around his fingers, curling my fingers against his and I could feel his warmth against my hand. I could feel the moister that had built up on his palm.

"I'm so desperate, Crowley." I whispered again, as I squeezed his hand. And my gaze quickly rose from his shoes to his hardened and desperate hazel eyes.

His eyes bore into mine hard now, as his jaw clenched. The muscles contracted and moved around on his jaw line. His teeth ever moving from side to side just slightly, but I could still see it. He usually had a poker face, but this was different. He was losing his cool, he was breaking.

The sweat cascaded down his face, as his chest heaved quicker and quicker. I could feel the warm breaths leaving his nose, as his eyes fluttered shut slowly. If I had listened close enough, I'm sure I could have heard his heart beating erratically too. He was quickly losing it, as the minutes went by.

"And I can tell you are too. You're as desperate as I am. I can see it in your eyes. You need this." I whispered softly, as he shook his head in denial.

I could see the anger roaring through him, as he softly squeezed my hand back. His whole body tensed, as he adjusted his posture. His feet scooted across the carpet and I could hear it as it swooshed under his feet. He didn't want you admit it. He didn't want to tell me he was. But he was desperate and so was I.

We were, we really were. We were desperate-desperate for two different things. I was desperate for him to stay here. I was desperate for him to help me. I needed help, so much help. And so did he in a different sense, but the help I was offering could make things worse.

I didn't understand how desperate and how far down he was, how hard he had hit rock bottom too. I couldn't have comprehended how addicted and needy to human blood he was, but I would. I would get there, but for now in this moment I knew one thing: I needed him to stay. And my desperation was driving my every move even if it was the worst move I could  have made.

"Christ, bloody hell," he gasped out quickly, as he moved his body closer to mine. 

I could feel the warmth radiating off of his whole body now, as he brought his hand back. He quickly wiped the sweat off of his forehead and shook his head again. He was close, close to saying yes. I could feel it coming now, as I watched him closely. He didn't want to, but yet again he did. He was just as needy as I was. I could see it, I could taste it.

"You're bleeding," he gasped out again, as he took in a big breath. It was like he could sense it, like he could smell it. And I wondered where and what the hell he was talking about. He took in sharp breath after sharp breath and I felt his fingers graze against my hip. My eyes widened, as he slowly lifted up my shirt. And I shook my head back and forth, no. NO, NO no, what was he doing? I swallowed hard.

"Crowley, what.." I whined and hissed, as his fingers slowly ran over my broken flesh. And the pain seethed from his touch, as I scrunched my face. It burned and made me want to jump away from his touch, but I was stuck. My feet were stuck to the ground because of his touch, but because of the pain too.

  The pain was spreading through my side, as it throbbed and burned more . And I could tell now by the pain that I had hurt myself. What had I done. But I could feel the warm liquid oozing out now and it wasn't a lot. But I was shocked I hadn't felt it before, but then again my mind had been messed up. But now, now I was aware. And the pain hurt and the panic was slowly swimming through me as well. The panic of his touch. The panic of his warm finger tips gliding across my bleeding flesh. I was scared.

More scared now, because yes I was used to his touch. I really was. I had been conditioned to it these past few months and I completely trusted him, but it still made me nervous. I still did not like to be touched at all, especially like this. Although it wasn't sexual-not at all, it was genuine. It was soothing, like he was examining me. And he was. He was checking my wounds. But I was still nervous, so nervous. I had been down this road before and I wanted to puke. I wanted to run or scream, but I couldn't. I couldn't make a move, because I knew deep down in my heart that he meant no harm. He wasn't going to hurt me.

"You hurt yourself," he said softly, as his eyes gazed at the wounds on my side. And he couldn't seem to take his eyes off of them. They were glued to the crimson liquid slowly oozing out of me. My blood was like a magnet to him and he couldn't move. He could barely breath. He could barely function at the sight of it.

Realization sparked through me in a flash and it all quickly made sense. I knew why I was bleeding, but it had been so long. So long that it should have healed by now. I had hurt myself. I really had and i felt mortified that he had seen them.

I didn't really want him to see my wounds. I never wanted him to lay eyes on them. They were embarrassing. They were a mistake.  They were from a breakdown that I wasn't exactly proud of. They were from a breakdown that had made me throw and break things. It had made me rip my clothes off like a monster and scratch myself over and over again. It had made me hurt myself ans causes me lots of pain. But the pain had helped somehow, I didn't know how. It made me feel better. But now he had seen it, I knew he could smell the blood by his breaths. The sharp intakes, as his eyes fluttered shut. He was hooked.

"Accidently. I did. I hurt myself, I don't know what happened. I....I'm sorry." I said softly, as my voice broke slightly and I felt the tears burning at the edge of my eyes. I could feel them, they wanted to fall so suddenly, just because I thought about what I had done. I had thought about all his things i had broken and I felt regret for that.

"Christ, Lorna, I-" he said briefly, keeping his words short, as he leaned his forehead against my shoulder. I could feel the sweat pouring off of him, as his hand stilled on my wounds. I could feel the moister on my shoulder, as small curses left his lips. And it felt like his body was trembling against me making my balance falter slightly. It was  like he had lost all control now and was holding himself back as best he could.

"I don't want to hurt you again, love. I don't want to cause you this much pain again." He whispered softly, as he shook his head back and forth. And I could hear the regret in his voice, as he gave heavy sighs. I could feel his contemplation, as his hand squeezed my side. And I knew it. I carefully wrapped my arm around his shoulder, as I rubbed his back. I ran my hand up and down his back, as I gave awkward pats.

Even though I felt awkward and I didn't really like the feeling. I could tell he needed this. A hug or whatever we were doing. He needed this compassion. He needed the reassurance I was giving him. He really did need this.

"You won't hurt me.......I trust you..." i said suddenly and it caught me off guard.

And as the words left my mouth I could feel my eyes widening. I could feel it deep down in the pit of my stomach, as it dropped to the floor.

The way my mind went blank with shock and I couldn't form any coherent thoughts. I couldn't, because it was strange. I couldn't,  because I did in some weird way actually trust Crowley. I trusted  Crowley to some extent, I really did. I trusted him enough to be this close to him. To let him have his head on my shoulder, to be touching me so much, because if it was anyone else. If it was anyone else, I wouldn't be able to do this, to handle the touch. It was just him. I realized at this point I fully trusted him to not hurt me. 

"You don't understand what you're saying. You don't understand what this does to me. What it makes me do." He said quickly, as he muttered into my shoulder.

"Tell me what it does.......How does it make you feel?" I asked curiously, because I really didn't know I realized. What did it do to him? 

Did it make him angry? Did it make him upset? What exactly did the blood do for him?  I needed to know, if I was going to do this. I had to know. 

"Sometimes," he paused quickly, as he brought his head back up.

I could feel a chilly draft blow across my shoulder, as I caught his gaze. I once again looked deep into his desperate hazel eyes, but this time there was something else in them.

There was something else i could see, as he stared back at me. It was the want. He wanted it now and it was more than desperation, it was a sure thing.  I could still feel the hesitation from him, I could. He didn't really want to, but he did. He wanted the blood. But there was also embarrassment, I could see it all over his face. The way his brows furrowed. The way his lips turned down, he didn't want to say it. He didn't want me to know. 

"What Moose did to me when he injected me with his blood, he wanted to close the gates of Hell. He wanted to-he gave me....he gave me my bloody humanity back. I feel.....everything. The pain, the regret, everything I once felt as a human being. And even then I barely felt, but now. Now I'm full of emotions, bloody awful emotions. I don't know how you do it. You humans and your feelings. I have all this pent up rage and feelings. That's what it does to me. I'm a needy mess." He said breathlessly, as pain rocked through his expression.

He was hurting from his new found feelings and oddly enough I could relate. It was weird, it was like looking in the mirror. I had said those words to myself so many times. My feelings were awful. After I had turned them off for so long, I knew what he was going through. I could relate to him and that was strange.

"When I.....When I was in my prison," I said softly, as I swallowed hard.

I could see the sudden change in Crowley's facial expression, as I mentioned it. The way his brows crinkles and his wrinkles showed more. It was the way his eyes immediatly cast downwards and shamed filled his being. He hated it when I mentioned it. He liked it when I talked about how I felt, but I could always see the regret on his face. I could always see the instant change when I mentioned my prison. And that how I knew he was sorry, although he rarely ever said it. I knew he was just by the way he looked at me when I said it.

"I turned off everything. I couldn't feel when I was there. How could I really? All I had there was pain, so I turned it off and coming here-I-I was forced to feel again. That first night was the first night I had shown any type of emotion in years. My tears, my anger, my everything came out and it was strange. After years of forcing my tears to go away and forcing my feelings back. I could finally feel again and even now, I have to remind myself that I am normal and it's OK to cry. It's ok to feel these weird emotions running through me. So in a sense I understand what you're saying about feelings, they really are fucking awful, but it will be OK, because I understand." I said through a half-hearted smile, as I talked with my hands. My eyes had drifted downwards again toward his shoes and I could feel his eyes on me. I could feel his stare, as I took a deep breath.

I hadn't opened up like that in a long time. I hadn't been able to talk about it in awhile. It always hurt so much, but having him here. Having him here to help bring it all out felt amazing. And it was nice. I felt so connected to him. I felt so close to him, but in a whole new way. It was an emotional understanding, because I knew what he had gone through. And now he knew what I had gone through and it was nice to share that with him. It was nice to feel so close to him right now.

I felt his fingers under my chin, as he raised my head up. Our gazes caught quickly and I stared into his big hazel eyes. His head nodded up and down quickly, as he gave a pained look.

"I don't want to do this. I-I can't do this. I can't do this to you, Lorna. I can't hurt you again like I did before." He gave a heavy sigh, as his head hung low. His eyes closed tightly, as his hand came to rest on my shoulder now. I could feel the heavy weight of his hand, but I could also see the heavy weight of his decision on his face. He looked utterly pained to think about it. And I knew he didn't want to hurt me, not really.

"But I can see it written all over your face. I can see your pain in your eyes." He said in a reluctant whisper, as his head shook back and forth.

"I can see it in your dulling soul. Everything that was once bright about you is gone, because of me." He said softly, as his eyes lifted to meet my gaze. And everything he had said hit me like a truck. He knew. I mean he had to if known that i wasn't ok. That I hadn't been healthy since I got here, but to hear him say those words, it was nice to hear. So nice to hear that he acknowledged my pain and that he could see it.

My eyes widened, as I ran my tongue across my teeth. I was trying to keep the tears at bay and not let them come out yet again. I didn't need the tears, not now. I didn't want my emotions to boil up like they did all the time.

"I made a promise to you awhile ago and I meant it. That all you had to do was ask and I would stay. So if this is really what you want. If this is absolutely  what you want, I will be here. And I will take your offer. I-i-..I can't refuse. I need it so bloody bad. I need it.." He said, as his words trailed off. Desperation leaked off his words at the end and I knew he needed it. I could tell just by how he was acting. And it was done, a done deal.

His head rose again slowly, as our gazes connected once again. He searched my eyes and It was like he was waiting for permission to take it. I could see it in his body language that he wanted to pounce. He wanted it right then and there, but he was waiting patiently or at least somewhat respectively.

Which was probably strange for him, to wait patiently. He had always taken what he wanted, but now he had changed. He was different. He wasn't going to just pin me down and take it, he was waiting for the OK. And that meant a lot to me, it really did. I knew then for sure that I could trust him. I blinked what seemed like in slow motion, as a single tear fell to my cheek, and I nodded my head slightly.

"Take it,"  I whispered through a quivering lip, as my voice seemed to be taken from me. I quickly held my arms out to him, as I offered myself.

"I give you my permission," I whispered again, my voice still weak with emotion. And he nodded in understanding, as he slowly took a step back from me. My body trembled in place, as his fingers reached into his black overcoat. And I watched his every move like a hawk, I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I had to be sure what he was going to do.

He quickly took out his phone from his pocket and brought it to his ear. His breaths were heavy and his fingers shook. His whole arm trembled, as his meaty fingers pecked at the screen of his phone. And he slowly dialed the phone, painstakingly hitting each button one at a time. He couldn't even control himself anymore. I could see the neediness he was displaying. He was growing weaker and weaker with need. Every move he made showed his eagerness to get the phone call over with. I could see it in his slumped shoulders and the way his eyes rolled, as the phone rang. He didn't want to do this. He didn't want to call. He wanted to get it over with so he could claim his prize and get his fix. He was ready and so was I.

I slowly backed away from him and let the back of my knees hit the bed. I could feel the cool silk sheets tickle the back of my knees, as I slowly lowered myself to the bed. I could feel the cool sheets hit my skin, as my eyes stayed glued on Crowley. They never left his hazel eyes, not for one second did we break eye contact. I was like a magnet to him, his eyes were glued to me, as a voice came over the other end of the phone. And I sighed heavily, as I heard her whining to him over the phone.

I could tell that she was trying to entice him to come. She was trying to coerce him to come to her and fulfill her needs, just like he needed his filled. She sounded so needy and so whiny, but I could hear the "sexiness", so to speak, in her voice. The way she moaned his name over the phone. The way she groaned for him, as she spoke every word.  And I could see him roll his eyes in frustration, he wasn't happy with her behavior. I suppose they had an arrangement of some sorts. She administered the blood and helped him with that, but what did she get in return? I guess they fucked a lot and that was OK. I'm sure they both had needs, everyone has needs. I just hoped that he wouldn't want that from me, because that-that was a no. I wouldn't want to do that, not for a long time. And I hadn't even thought about sex or foreplay or anything along those lines. I just didn't think it was for me anymore. After the trauma I had suffered, I didn't think I'd ever be a normal sexual human being again, it just wasn't for me.

"Yes, Lola, keep it fresh for me, I will be with you shortly. But for now, Darling, I have a few things to take care of." He said quickly with a thickening accent.

He was getting more ane more frustrated and I could STILL hear her talking. She wouldn't shut up and I could tell he was getting more irritated by the minute. And he grumbled to her and eventually screamed at her and hung up the phone. He was quick about it, but then he stared at me.

His eyes penetrated through my very soul, as his lip curled in frustration. He needed this. He needed it now. He wasn't playing around and thay Lola had just pissed him off more than I had ever seen and I could see it written all over him still. I could see it in his eyes.

" Bloody demons they never know when to shut up." He grumbled angrily,  as he quickly threw his black overcoat off and let it fall to the floor. He just let if fall like he didn't care. And I could tell he was on a mission for blood, because that wasn't like him. He cared way too much about his expensive suits than anything. He wouldn't have just let them fall to the floor. He would have taken the time to hang it up. He was craving it.

He strode toward me with determination, as I looked up at him with curious eyes. I didn't really know what was about to happen, but I had some idea. I knew he was going to take my blood and put it in himself. I wasn't sure if he would drink it? Or what he might do, but I wanted him to get it over with quickly.

I could feel my energy draining slowly, as my eyes felt heavy. My head swam in a clouded headache, as the days events wore me down. I could feel every inch of my skin vibrating with anticipation, as I watched his hand reach into his suit jacket.

He quickly retrieved a syringe with a very long needle coming from it. I swallowed hard, as my eyes landed on the needle. It was very long and very intimidating. I couldn't fathom how that would even fit into one of my veins. How bad would that hurt when it pierced through my skin? And I shuddered at the thought of it.

It frightened me, but also made me very intrigued. If the pain from the scratches felt euphoric, how would this feel? Probably just as good and it probably made me sound crazy-super crazy. But I couldn't help it. I just couldn't, because I was so messed up still. So backwards on what was right and wrong and what felt good or bad. I couldn't comprehend it that i shouldn't want the pain or to suffer. But I did, for some stupid reason. Maybe I thought I deserved it or it made me feel better?

His fingers slowly drifted across the skin of my neck. I felt the goosebumps erupting under his touch, as he scooped my hair away and he brushed it to the side. He placed his other hand on my cheek and brought my eyes to meet his again.

"Last chance," he whispered solemnly. He checked my eyes again, begging for permission. The permission I would ultimately give him.

"Do you want me to do this? You want me to stick this needle deep into your neck and extract your blood?" He asked again threateningly , as he gave a heavy sigh. He was fighting with himself again and I could tell. The internal struggle with himself showed in his words  
  
    
"I want you to take it. I want you to stay here with me. I need you." I rushed through my words in a whispered, trying to be reassuring with my tone. I didn't want him to doubt his decision, because I didn't. I wanted this to happen. I had no doubts about it. I was firm in my beliefs. 

I could feel his trembling hand on the side of my face now, as the needle hovered about my flesh. His desperstion quickly took him over, as his demeanor changed. He looked absolutely ravenous, as he yanked my head to the side in one quick motion. And I cringed, as he held my head in place. He was hurting me. He was being forceful now. He was so needy and so in his zone. He didn't hear my slight whimper, as his fingers dug into my flesh. He didn't hear my small cry, as he plunged the needle deep into my neck. And I could feel the stinging sensation, the burning, and the throbbing that claimed my whole neck. The pain was taking my whole being over, consuming me. It was taking my brain and my nerves to new a new height. It hurt, it really did. I felt more pain than I had felt in a very long time.

I didn't want to act like a big baby. I didn't want to be that. I didn't want to seem like I was in pain, because I had asked for it. I had told him it was ok and it was. It was ok and I tried to relax my body. I tried to make it seem like it was ok, as I kept my breaths even. My heart fluttered quickly and I'm sure it shot blood quicker through my veins. I'm sure it enticed him more, but i could feel the euphoric sense taking me over. I could feel it slowly sinking in and I was finally at peace again. It was all melting away, all the pain, and all the suffering. Even as he extracted the needle from my neck with force, I was ok. Even as the excess blood trickled down my neck, I was fine. I was ok and I let a small smile fall on my lips, as I breathed a sigh of relief. It was over.

I fluttered my eyes open, as I heard his footsteps against the carpet. He was out of sight, as my eyes focused to the surroundings around me. He quickly moved beside me on the bed. I felt the bed dip down righ beside me, as he desperately clawed at his wrist.

He clawed at like an animal trying to get to their kill, but he wasn't. He was so desperate and so in the moment, he couldn't seem to get his sleeves up or off. He seemed helpless and lost, like a child who didn't know what to do. He was so pathetic, like i was and I had never seen him this way. He was so vulnerable and so unreal. He was the one who was always full of answers and knew exactly what to do. He was the powerful and demqnding. But here he was in front of me, with a desperate look on his face and a helpless aura around him.

"Here," I said through a raspy tone, as I stood in front of him. My exhaustion set in more, as the world moved around me. I could feel the world shifting and spinning slightly, as dizziness took me over. I carefully looked down with fearful eyes, as I waited for him to respond.

His head rose slowly and dramatically, as I caught sight of his face and then his eyes. His expression was full of anger and he looked pale. So pale and so sweaty, i could see it everywhere. He looked awful, like he had just taken a weird and desperate turn.

He looked so confused like he didn't know who I was for a second like he wanted to yell at me or kill me or harm me. He looked utterly dangerous. The look in his eyes and his eyes, oh God his eyes. They were so intense so prominent. I couldn't stop staring. I couldn't stop myself from gasping just a little, but not enough to coax a reaction from him.

I had seen them before. I had seen them like that and it did nothing but scare me. It did nothing but make me want to run away. They were so intense up close, i could almost see the evil in them. I could almost feel the evil exploding out of him. I could almost see his former self, the demon that had once kidnapped me and kept me close. And In the past I would've been frightened.  I would have been so scared that tremors would have taken over my body, but not now. Not at all. I wasn't scared. I wasn't trembling. I knew I had a job to do. I had to help him. 

And as those crimson soaked eyes stared back at me, I felt ok. I'd be lying if I said it didn't frighten me just a little, because it did.  It really did.  But i knew once I stared at him that I was ok. He wouldn't hurt me. He wouldn't because he wanted my help-my blood. And he was silently begging for it,  as I slowly and cautiously laid a hand on his wrist.  It was right where he had been clawing at himself.

"We need to take off your jacket, Crowls." I tried to coo softly at him,  as I moved my hand up toward his shoulder. I let my fingers linger on his fabric, careful not to move to quickly, as I watched his eyes focus in on me. And he silently nodded his head up and down.

His jacket slid of quickly, as I sat beside him. I still wanted to be reassuring. I still wanted him to know I was here to help. He still wasn't himself. He still was tense and I could feel the heat and anger rolling off of his skin, as I undid the sleeve of his white shirt. I slowly rolled them up and stopped once it got past the crook of his elbow.

I didn't exactly know why he was acting like this. He was lathargic and his former evil had over taken him. I didn't know if he had talked himself up so much and that'd why he was acting like this? But  something had to be wrong with him, because he didn't seem right. He was off. He never let his eyes come out unless something awful was about to happen or if he had lost all control. I had learned that a long time ago when he had gotten angry with me. He'd show his eyes and growl at me like an animal. But he wasn't yelling, he wasn't huffing and puffing like he had before. He wasn't angry. Not at all. Crowley had lost control of himself and his addiction.

I sank to my knees in front of him, as I remained in eye contact.  I could take my eyes off of him, as I stuck my hand out into the air. I swallowed hard, as I thought about my next statement. Here went nothing.

" Give me the needle, Crowls, I'll help you." I said quickly, as my voice trembled once again.

I was in such a vulnerable position that he could unknowingly do anything to me. He could hurt me and I don't think in his trance he'd even notice.  It's like he had been out under a spell, but he never acted out. He never harmed me. He simply dropped the syringe into my hand and kept his eyes on me. He was possessive of the blood and didn't necessarily want to let it go, but he knew that i wouldn't tease him. I wouldn't take it away. I was here to help.

I brought my fingers up to the crook of his elbow and felt around. My fingers brushed by two large veins that protruded out of his flesh and I pressed on them softly. I had to make sure they were the right ones and they were. He was flexed just enough for me to tell.

I readied the needle, as it hover above his flesh. And I readied my mind as well, as I took several big breaths. This was it. This is what he had been waiting for. My whole body jumped, as my head snapped up. His hand wrapped tightly around my wrist, as the needle dangled over his skin, it had almost went in. But he stopped it. His vicious eyes stared back at me, but he spoke gentle words. His words did not match his evil eyes. They were a true match to his humanly side.

"Don't let me hurt you. Don't let me do stupid things to you, please, love. Please don't let me hurt you." He whispered softly, as sincerity dripped from his words. And I swallowed hard at his words and mind answered for me before I could think about the situation.

"Never," I whispered back, as I plunged the needle deep into his veins. I slowly emptied the blood into him, as his eyes rolled into the back of his head. His mouth was ajar, as he mumbled several words over and over again. He groaned loudly. 

"Best fucking blood. You're the....." And his words trailed off, as his head slumped into his chest. And no longer talked or moved, he was out. His red eyes showed no more, as his lids hid the color. He had passed out right in the middle of speaking. He was gone.

 

To be continued......


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope ya'll are still enjoying!! Thank you so much for the comments, they mean a lot! ^^! There's talk of sex and she mentions her abuse a little, but nothing too bad. I hope im remembering everything, but I hope you all enjoy the chapter. 
> 
> p.s. i write this all on my phone, so I try to spot the errors, I hope I caught them all.

The world stood still, as Crowley's unneeded breaths filled the room. Silence-ringing ears, there was nothing but him. My head-it was foggy. I was drowsy, tired-so tired. I could barely think. I could barely function, but I had to. I had to keep my eyes open, my ears open, and my body ready. I didn't know what was going to happen. I didn't know where this would go. I didn't know when he was going to wake up, but I had to be ready. I had to be alert-well as alert as I could be in my state. I had to be, because if he turned or if he went crazy. I had to be there to talk him down, but for now. Now I had to wait. 

And the waiting seemed to take forever. Every time my eyes drifted toward the clock it had only moved a minute or two. It was taking forever, time stood still. It seemed like I was stuck in time destined to stare at the clock forever, as it remained unmoved. But it had to get a grip. I had to make sure he was ok 

I had to make sure he was ok, I felt responsible for him. He was just laying there motionless now-almost breathless. His chest laid still, there was no movement. The room silenced and then there was nothing. He seemed so unreal, so dead, like a large life-like doll. His chest never rose or fell again. There were no warm breaths seeping from his nostrils now, but I had to remind myself that he technically didn't need it.He didn't need to breathe or have a heart beat because he was a demon, but oh his heart beat. I could clearly hear it.

I could hear it from a mile away, beating through his chest. I could hear it, as it floated through the air. My comfort during my sleep. The very ba-bump noise that helped me drift off into another world full of happiness and no black eyed demons. It was there, right beside me, and I could hear it. I could smell him. I could smell the brimstone and whiskey wafting off of him. I could smell the sweet smells of his being, everything that comforted me and made me whole. Everything that made my tension and stress melt away-I was losing my battle. I wasn't going to be able to stay awake.

My eyes were closing and I couldn't stop them. They were slowly but surely fluttering shut and staying that way. I couldn't make myself stay awake, but I had to. I had to be awake. I couldn't-couldn't fall asleep. I had to-had to stay awake. I couldn't-couldn't fail him. I couldn't let him wake up different. But the darkness was overpowering my mind, as my head slumped to my chest. I lost control of myself. I could feel the tingling creeping up my limbs. I could feel it, as it crept all over my body like small ants. I could hear the hum of sleep, as it over took my ears. I could hear it and that was it.

The busy world outside never ceased, as I slowly drifted in and out of consciousness. The darkness reclaiming me over and over again, but I still fought against it. I fought hard, but it was hard. I was so exhausted and fighting the sleep off never ended well for me.

The constant noises of the city never left my ears, as i desperately tried to hang on. The honk of cars passing by on the over populated roads and the sound of whistles and other abstract noises infiltrated the apartment faintly. The noises softly coming and going and finally they seemed to cease. They seemed to melt into the background and then they were no more. The noises stopped. There was nothing. Nothing but the silence of the apartment, there was nothing but us and our breaths. Our breaths that seemed to sync together.

 My ears rang loudly, as the silence consumed me. My breaths were even now, as my chest steadily rose and fell. The blackness of my lids was all i could see, as i settled into the pillow i leaned on. The glorious blackness that I had been craving for so long. The sweet sweet nothingness that came right before sleep settled in.

Everything around me was peaceful-so peaceful. I was ready so ready for this-so ready for the inevitable, but a small noise caused my mind to stir. That small tiny noise made my once closed eyes flutter open slowly, as the bed frantically dipped around. It caused my body to jostle over and over again. It was almost as if he was trying to shake me awake and it was very annoying. I groaned softly at the thought of moving and shaking. The shaking was driving me insane, I wanted to yell at him. My eyes  slowly drifted toward an unfamiliar sight,  a very confused and childlike Crowley. 

His legs were spread in front of him, as his naked toes danced around. His meaty fingers felt around the soft silk sheets, as he shook his head randomly. He looked so confused and out of place, as his eyes moved all around. He looked like he was trying to figure it all out. Like he forgot where was or who he was. Did he not remember what had happened? He looked panicked and unnerved. What was going on with him? This was a new side of him I was unfamiliar with. I had never seen him so vulnerable and weak. I just hoped I would be able to take care of him.

I couldn't really get my voice to work, I was too tired. I felt so weak, talking was just out of the question. I observed his movements carefully. I wanted to make sure he was normal. Or whatever normal was for him. I had to make sure he wasn't feeling odd and looking to lash out. I didn't know what my blood had done to him, so I had to remain cautious. I had to keep my eyes on him, if that was even possible.

His movements eventually stilled and he didn't move a muscle. He sat like a statue, looking as if he could barely breath. His chest pushed in and out rapidly, as I heard the breaths pouring from his nose. His sweat wildly poured out of every pore and it glistened brightly in the sunlight that seeped from the windows.  

I could see his mind turning, the wheels in his brain moving quickly. He was confused and It was obvious and  funny to see him like that. The man with all the answers. The man with everything, didn't have any idea what was going on. He didn't have an answer as to why he was like that, as to why he was in the bed. Or why he wasn't alone. 

His eyes were barely open, as he whipped his head toward me. I could barely see the whites of his eyes, his eye lids seemed to not want to move. His brows crinkled together,causing his forehead to wrinkle deeply. He looked so confused, as he stared directly at me. He couldn't take his confused eyes off of me. 

"Did you take my shoes off?" He grumbled groggily.

His voice sounded so deep and raspy, as he took several deep breaths. His  accent was thick and it made him almost sound unintelligible and I couldn't understand what he was saying. But it was funny to me,  as a smile crossed my lips. That was his first question. Not why am I here or why are you here. He was only concerned with his naked meaty toes.

His fingers lazily drifted over the tops of his feet, as he stroked them. I barely shrugged my shoulders unable to get them to move, as I tried to keep my eyes on him. But I was failing again. The sleep was going to win sooner than later. I just had to get this one thing out of the way. I had to tell him what had happened, because he sure as hell didn't remember. One more thing. One last thing before-sleep. 

"Mmm, I thought it would make you more comfortable." I said through small slurs. My tongue felt so heavy, as I spoke. I could barely get it to cooperate with me, it felt dry and weighed down. And my lips barely moved as well, I couldn't get them to form anything. Everything was sluggish-so slow. I couldn't get myself to work, my body was failing. I needed sleep and I could tell my body was failing me more.

Each word was dragged out like i had been dipping into his Craig for too long. It was like I was drunk, hell i felt drunk, oh so drunk, but nice- so nice. My lack of sleep and food and everything was hitting my body hard. I felt so loopy that all I could do was giggle at him, as he looked at me suspiciously. But all I could do was give him a small smile and my eyes closed again. I wanted to sleep, but I couldn't, not yet. I probably looked so silly, giggling at him with a goofy grin. That's probably why he looked so confused, he didn't know what was wrong with me. I probably seemed happy or weird. I hadn't giggled or smiled in a long time, like a legitimate smile or laugh. It had been so long, but he had made me giggle so much. He looked like a lost puppy that I wanted to snuggle again. So precious and so sweet, what was up with me?  

The bed moved again and his movements were more frantic, the spot beside me immediately dipped down, and I almost fell in the hole. I felt his warm, clammy hands cup my cheeks and he caught me. He pulled my head up a little dragging it against the head of the bed I leaned against.

I couldn't convince myself to open my eyes. I tried my hardest, but they wouldn't budge. Stubborn eyes, stubborn body, I couldn't win this battle.  It wasn't going to happen, I was way too tired. Too tired to even look at him to see what was the matter. Too tired to even look into his eyes and see why he had come over to me, I wasn't going to do it. I couldn't do it. I was done for.

"Did I hurt you, Petal?" He frantically asked, as concern laced his tone.

His warm fingers drifted from my face.He quickly checked my neck, as his fingers drifted carefully over the puncture wound he had left behind. He examined it thoroughly, not leaving a spot untouched. And then he quickly threw back the blankets, as I shook my head. His eyes examined my legs and feet making sure he didn't harm me in any way. His fingers glided over my knee, as goosebumps erupted all over my flesh. And I thought about how nice it was that he was so concerned. But I could barely get any words to form of my lips, as I was finally able to speak up.

"No. No, you didn't hurt me. I'm just..."

He narrowed his eyes at me, as the warmth of my blanket encased my legs again. And It was a relief to feel the warmth of my blanket and his hands. I felt so right. I was in the right place. Him beside me and the warmth of my blanket. 

"Are you drunk?" He asked slyly and I immediately imagined the smirk on his face. That stupid smirk he gave me every time he entered the room to sleep in bed with me. He knew what was wrong. And I could tell by his tone that he was messing with me. That he had to of known what was really wrong with me.  but i played along, I had to. I eas too tired to even think. I immediately shook my head back and forth, as a huge smile appeared on my face.

"I'm just so tired." I said through an exasperated sigh, as I snuggled into his hands more. 

I couldn't stop myself. Anything I did or said was beyond my control. My mind was weak and tired and I couldn't help it. I wished i could have, but it was unstoppable. I couldn't control my needy tendencies. I couldn't stop my need for his comfort.

I usually tried not to seem too needy or too comfortable with him. I didn't necessarily want him to know I needed him this much. I knew he already knew though, I think it was a pride thing. I usually tried to hold my emotions, although I knew that never worked. Whenever he was around I always seemed to lose myself and I was surprised I had never scared him away. Or had made him throw his hands up in defeat and say fuck it, I can't help her anymore. He always stuck by me, well not always, but here he did.  Here he stood by me and always reassured that I would be OK, that I could get through this.

"Did you not sleep, darling? I thought that was our deal? The whole reason this occurred. You needed me here so you could sleep." He said softly, as his words hit me like bricks.

He sounded slightly upset like he hadn't wanted to really do this-well he hadn't really wanted to. I guess I left him no choice. He hadn't really wanted to take my blood, but given the choice he chose to help me. He had chosen to stay with me so I could sleep, so I could calm down. I had upset him by not sticking to our deal. But I couldn't have. I couldn't have fallen asleep, because I thought he was hurt or dead or something. He hadn't acted right. I had been concerned for him? 

"I was worried about you," I whispered, as I peeled my eyes open. And I squinted, as I stared into his eyes. I could barely hold my eyes open, but I wanted to. I wanted to keep eye contact wit him. I needed him to understand my reasoning behind staying awake. 

He immediately cocked an eyebrow, as he shook his head. "There's no need to worry about me, Darling. No need to worry at all." He said softly and he was full of compassion. I could hear it in his voice and see it on his face. He hadn't expected me to say that. He hadn't expected me to confess something like that, but I had been. I had been worried for his well being. He was my comfort and he helped me. Of course I was worried, I had to have been. I should have been, right? 

I worried because he had looked so dead. His breathing had stopped. I had been able to hear his heart, but I had been scared. I thought my blood had done something bad to him. I mean was I technically even a human? He said my soul had dulled and lost some of its light. What if my blood had changed too? But now I was being ridiculous. Why would my blood do something bad to him? I mean it had knocked him out almost instantly, was that normal? Was my blood normal? And the last words he had said, that it was the best fucking blood or something like that. I didn't know. I didn't understand how it all worked. 

"You looked dead," I stated bluntly, as he raised a brow. "I thought my blood had done something to you, you didn't look right. I was worried about you." I said, as the heaviness in my tongue returned. I could feel my words slurring again, but that didn't stop me from seeing him physically flinch at the word "Blood". It didn't hinder me from seeing the complete turn he took with his body language.

His whole face shook, as he took in a sharp breath. And he completely retracted himself from me. He removed his clammy hands from my cheeks and slumped against the bed  I had been on. He put his fingers on the bridge of his nose, as he hung his head. His elbows rested on his elevated knees and I furrowed my eyebrows. Something about this seemed familiar. So familiar and it was weird.

This scene it all seemed so familiar-too familiar. The way he was sitting made me feel like I had been here before. It was like I had seen him like this before. This very position and even his breaths sounded the same. The sharp intakes of breath and he way he held himself. I had seen him like this before and when I was finally able to realize it-it hit me hard, because there was a reason. A huge reason why this all seemed familiar.

It had just been a few days since I had seen him like that. Just a few days since I had helped him with his "headache" or whatever he had been suffering from. He had looked so sick. He had looked so similarly pale and sweaty. There was a reason he had looked like he had had a headache or the flu. Why he hadn't looked right at all. And I knew what it meant-what it had meant then and now.

He was jonesing. He was craving it. And even at the mere mention of blood, he couldn't handle it. He needed more. he needed it right now, but he wasn't saying anything.  He needed more of my blood. And to be honest............ I'd give it to him. I'd give it to him again. I'd stick that needle into my arm and right back into his. I'd do it  in a heartbeat again. I wouldn't deny him, not now. How could I?

"You're craving again?" I bluntly whispered, as I watched his actions carefully. I couldn't take my eyes off of him, as he groaned at me. He acknowledged that I was right. And I knew I was right. I knew it. I knew he needed more. He was so obvious and now that I knew, I couldn't get the other day out of my head.

"And the other day. When you popped in and I thought you had a headache. I probably made it so much worse. I'm sorry." I said through realization and my heart fell into my stomach.

I felt bad. If he had been craving it, my presence probably made everything 10 times worse. He probably had heard my heart racing and the blood flowing through my veins. He had probably heard it all. And the whole time I had wanted to help take care of him and make him feel better, but I was probably the reason he couldn't focus. I was probably the reason he had kept to himself. That he had kept his head down and oh no, poor guy. I mean, he could have popped out at any time. He probably could have left and left me behind. If I had been his problem, he would have gotten away, right? He wouldn't have hung around if I was that big of a nuisance, at least that's what I told myself.

I moved my eyes all around the room, as he stayed unmoved. I was silently freaking out, my thoughts running rampid as his heavy breaths filled the room. And then there was silence once again. There was nothing- no noise to fill the void. Nothingness, just the stale air around us.  And I waited for him to be ok, but he still had a pained look on his face, as he removed his fingers from his nose.

"I bet you never imagined you'd see me like this. " his voice was hoarse and thick with accent, as shame filled his tone. He seemed overly embarrassed about the situation we were in. The situation he had ultimately been put in and he was embarrassed or something. 

"I bet you never imagined you'd see me so broken and pathetic. I'm a pathetic worm that feeds on the blood of humans. I'm the former shell of what I once was. The King of Hell-the King of Nothing." He said softly, as he hung his head in shame.

He was embarrassed and shameful for his actions. And I couldn't blame him, not really. I felt the same way about myself. I was the former shell of who I once was. I was different. But worse off, I was a parasite, I felt like a leech. An annoying leech that cried and boohooed about everything around me. I knew what he meant and I knew how he felt. He was my mirror image. We were exactly alike.

"And I could say the same to you about me."  I said softly, as I reached up. My fingers drifted across his sweat soaked skin, as I gently moved some hair from his forehead. My fingers carefully fell down his cheek, as I continued to run my thumb across his skin.  And his eyes suddenly caught mine, as bewilderment lightning bolted through him.

Had I ever imagined him like this? No. I never had. I never expected the mighty king who had kidnapped me to have fallen so low. To see him as an addict, it was strange. But we had changed, both of  us. We were no longer the same people we were all those years ago. We had changed. We had grown into damaged beings with pent up rage and emotion. We were different. And for him it was a nice change, to see him so humanly and caring.

It was nice to see him in a different light. He was no longer an evil entity that ruled Hell and Earth with an iron fist. He was humanly and emotional, well at least with me. I could tell he tried with his other demons to maintain a facade that he was in fact still normal. But with me, he let his guard down. He let himself be himself. I enjoyed the change, I couldn't lie about that. I really did, because I enjoyed his company. I depended on him, I needed him. I didn't want him to go back to his old ways. Why would I? Was that selfish, sometimes I couldnt tell if my morals were mixed around. If he went back to his old self, would he be as kind? Ugh, who knew.

" We change and we grow, we can get past this. I know you can get back to what you once were and be better than ever and so can I. " I said softly, as I tried to be soothing.

I talked to him like he was a child, as I went back to gently stroking  his hair. I didn't want to upset him more, because I could see it written on his face. The embarrassment and the shame of what he once was and still was, a demon. He was embarrassed for the things he had done. He was embarrassed for how he had acted with me and others. He didn't even need to say it. He didn't need to tell me, because his expression. His shaky voice. The tears that threatened to burst from the rims of his eyes. They all told me the same thing. He was sorry.

I didn't know what I had overcome me,  but I felt this need. This need to nurture and take care of him. This ridiculous sense that my heart had broken from the sight of him. What was wrong with me?  Every time I looked at him my heart broke. He was like a child I wanted to fix and soothe. I wanted to be there for him during his ordeal. I wanted to comfort his cravings and give him what he wanted. I wanted to help him. What had gotten into me? What was going on?

"We were forced to change," he stated bluntly, as his voice quivered slightly. I could hear the agony in his voice.

And my movements stopped, as I stared back at him.  My hardened eyes glared at him, as I felt his fingers against my cheek. He carefully moved his body closer to mine, almost like he needed the comfort. And I knew he was going to head in a direction I had no interest in heading to. He was going to go into a topic I had no interest in speaking of. No. I didnt want this. I didn't want to talk about it. 

He swirled his fingers against my skin and out of instinct, my eyes closed. And I reveled in his touch. His soothing, warm  touch that I had grown to love. It was apart of me now, a part I needed everyday. A part of me that couldn't resist the urge to snuggle into him. And i wondered how it all had come to this, how I managed to trust him this much. And I could feel that things were changing for us. And I didn't necessarily know what that meant.

"We were forced to change who we were," he stated softly.

His voice dipping lower, as he hung his head. His bearded cheek scraped against my arm, as I scooted closer to him. Heat radiated off of him like a furnance, causing me to shutter. My whole body shivered, as a chill ran up my spine. And goosebumps erupted all over my flesh once again, as I felt his face snuggle into my arm. His heat, his smell, his heart, I was going to lose it soon. I was going to fall asleep, but I needed to get through this first. I need to hear him out, even though I didn't really want to. I had to and I didn't know why my mind told me to.

"But only one of us deserved the change. Only one one of us needed to be changed-deserved to be changed. Only one." He whispered softly through sadness, as his head seemed to sink further and further down. If it hung any lower in shame it would probably have rolled off. I hated seeing him like this, but I knew it was real. I knew he was being completely truthful with me. 

 "And you most certainly did not deserve what I did to you. You didn't deserve that. You were an innocent pawn in my awful game. I should have left you be. You could have had a life." He whispered, as his raised his head a bit. I could see the shame swimming in his eyes again, as I shook my head. 

I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to hear what he had to say. I didn't want to get into this again. We had already been over this. That I didn't deserve it. That I was innocent, but was I? Was I really? It was my stupid fault that all of it happened. If I could have resisted him and his stupid charm. If I could have kept myself sober, would things have been different? Would he have come onto me so strong? And would we have had sex that night? Would we have?

I was so confused and so conflicted with how I felt. On some aspect I absolutely blamed myself for everything, because It was my fault. But there was always that tiny voice in the back of my head that told me it wasn't. That I hadn't known what it was all going to turn into. That he was going to be so oddly protective and possessive of me because that's what he was. He was possessive. That's why he took me and branded me with that stupid "C" on my ass, which by the way was still there. It never left. It was always a reminder of my mistake. A reminder I had to see everyday in the mirror, if I looked. 

"You were right," he whispered sadly. "You could have been married right now. You could have had a wonderful life with that boy. You could have gone to great places and taken yourself further in life, but I fucked it up. I..."

"Don't." I whispered desperately trying to interrupt him, but he didn't stop. He couldn't stop talking. He exploded with his feelings and I cringed. Every word he said brought up the past-the awful past that I did not want to relive. I didn't want to talk about Kyle. I didn't want to talk about that night or any of it. Nothing. I wanted nothing to do with it. I had blocked it out for fucks sakes. I had blocked it out so long ago and I didn't ever want think about it again.

"I killed him. I ruined your life. Everything was my fault, not yours. Nothing that happened was your fault. You're a human and I took advantage of your feelings. I manipulated you. I hurt you-badly. I hurt you so badly, something that I regret everyday. I shouldn't have touched you, I shouldn't have fo..."

"Please shut up," I desperately shouted, as a tear streamed down my face. And that caught his attention, as he brought his gaze to meet mine. My lip quivered out of control, as my emotions boiled over. More tears cascaded down my face, as I shook my head back and forth. This hurt so bad. Everything he said. My heart felt broken. 

"I don't-I can't-," I said through a shaky voice, as it seemed to go in and out. My throat felt tight, as i tried to suck in breaths, it never felt like it was enough. I was slowly losing it, as he gently drifted his thumb against my skin and wiped away my tears. 

"I know," he said softly, "It's hard to hear. Hell-It's hard for me to say these things."

"Then don't," I said sternly, as I tried to push the emotion from my voice. But I was desperate. I didn't want him to talk about it. I didn't want to hear it. I wanted him to stop, please, I wanted him to stop talking. 

"I don't want to upset you, but in this state I'm in, things seem to slip out with out my consent. I want you to know how sorry I am for all of it. I know I've said it before. But I was ruthless. I made you do things you didn't want to. I hurt you. I-fucked up. I never-If I could go back. If I could take it all back, I would." 

"Please," I gasped out, as more and more tears made their way out. My breaths seemed to have been taken from me, as thoughts raced through my mind.

"Please, Crowley, Please stop. I can't-I can't think about it. Do you know how long it takes to forget about something like that? Do you know how long it took me to block out all of my pain. Do you?!?" I ranted angrily, as he pulled me into him. I could smell him, as I wept into his chest. My tears soaked his white shirt, but I couldn't stop, I couldn't. The smell of brimstone and whiskey floated into my nostrils and I completely took it in. I basked in his scent, as I tried to relax. I tried to get myself into check. And finally I was able to.

Out of instinct my tensed muscles loosened up and I slightly relaxed. But I was still upset. I was still filled with my emotions and the awful pictures in my mind. All I could think about was him, my boyfriend. The only man that I had truly loved, was gone. And I had had to witness his death. I had been forced by the very man who was holding me and comforting me. By the man who had taken me to my prison and now here he was, telling me how sorry he was. 

And this always conflicted me. How could I let this man be my comfort and bring me such...joy? I didn't know what he brought me, stability? Life? Could I even consider it some form of love? He cared at least, but I could never really tell. And that's why I was so conflicted and confused. He was trying, despite all the bad things he had done to my boyfriend, despite all the horrid things he had done to me. I knew he was trying to make up for it. I knew he felt sorry for what he did-for what  the other demons had done. I just- my mind never stopped yelling at me about it. Confused-i was confused about my feelings and what i should feel for him. Should I like him, should I trust him. Should I allow any of this, these feelings, this trust?

But in this moment I knew I needed him and his comfort. I needed his soothing words and his voice. I needed his strong arms around me. I needed the smell of his body and the beating of his heart, even if it did confuse me  even, if it did make me feel strange and feel things. I was here. He was here and we were in this super fucked up situation together. Together.

His arms tightened around me, as I sat comfortably in his lap. He quickly pulled the blanket around the both of us, as I kept my face buried in his chest. The warmth of his body and the warmth of the blanket were a great combination, I felt slightly comforted.  My fingers dug into his chest as well, as I sniffled back more tears and emotions. I tried to hold them back more, but of course it never worked.

It baffled my mind how I could be so comfortable with this. After years of abuse and hating being touched, he was the only one now who could hold me like this or even touch me. He was the only one and I closed my eyes.

All this talk about the past had stirred up many memories of my boyfriend. It made me smile to think about all the things we had done with each other. All the adventures we had gone on in our very short relationship. I wondered what life would have been like if Crowley had not existed in my life at all. What kind of life would i have had if I hadn't made that one mistake those years ago. Would I have actually married Kyle, had kids, and felt happy? I wish i could have. I wish i could have had that life and I wish Kyle was still around to hold me and love me, because he loved me so much. He loved me with every fiber of his being and it was strange to feel that intense of a love.

We had been white hot and our love burned hard. He was perfect for me. He had been my soul mate, I had felt it. And it tore my heart in two to think that he was no longer here. That he hadn't had a chance to experience life. He hadn't been given a chance to really live. We had been so young and so in love, life had stood still. And I couldn't wrap my mind around  it anymore. I hadn't been given time to grieve or really take his death to mind. I hadn't been given time, because all I had been able to think about was that situation I had been put into and all the pain that had come with it. The abuse and the mental and physical torture. And it made me wonder why him? Why did he have to die? Why did he have to suffer that much at the hands of demons. Why?

"Why him?" I mumbled out loud, as the words effortlessly left my lips. And I didn't exactly think about what I had just said. It had just kind of fallen out. I didn't really want to know why he HAD to die. But then again I did. 

More tears streamed down my face, as I thought about him. I couldn't contain them anymore. I couldn't control anything. All I could do was focus my eyes on the other side of the room. I forced them to examine the wood pattern on the solid wood closet doors. And I counted to myself, as I tried to distract myself somehow. But I couldn't. I could only focus on the heartbeat the laid beneath my ear. That familiar heartbeat that comforted me. The familiar feeling started to take me over again and I was on the verge of sleep again.

"Why'd he have to die, Crowley?" I asked again, as i cleared my throat. I was more composed at this point. But it felt his muscles tense around me, as his fingers caressed my hair. He gently ran his fingers through my hair combing them in between his fingers, he knew what helped to calm me.

"Why him? You could have just erased his memory. You could have left him be, he hadn't done anything to you." I said calmly, but more tears fell from the brim of my eyes, as they cascaded onto my cheeks. I didn't even bother to wipe them away, as I felt his heavy breaths vibrate through his chest.

"Darling, my reasoning is....." He started and then paused and I could tell he was trying to phrase it in a way that my delicate mind could handle it.

"You're a demon " I said softly, interrupting his thought process. "I expect your reasoning to be selfish and stupid. You can just tell me. It's something I need to hear this, it's important to me." I said bluntly, as I leaned into his chest more. I felt his chin on the top of my head, as he gently rested it there. 

"Do you remember what you said earlier?" He started and then paused, as I shook my head back and forth. I had said a lot of things earlier. A lot of stupid, but very truthful things.

"When you were trying to convince me to stay, you said some very.........compelling words. Words that held the truth."

" I said a lot of things, it was in the heat of the moment." I stated carefully, trying to remember what I had said. But I couldn't really, I had been so mad. I couldn't remember a damn thing I had said.

"You were right about what you had said to me. About me being.....possessive and...very......jealous. You were completely.......right." He said through slight hesitation. His words were drawn out and I could tell he didn't REALLY want to say them, but he did. And I wasn't shocked.

His behavior from before-the day he took me.   
I knew. I knew all about his jealous behavior. That's how demons acted, I had seen it before. I had seen it on several occasions. They don't love, they possess. They hold things close and never let them go. They keep them right by their side and hurt them. They manipulate them. They do anything they can to guarantee what they want, what they think is theirs, stays theirs. It's typical demon behavior. And I had seen it that morning I had been with him, that morning after we had hooked up. The way he looked at me. The way he acted, especially after he had branded me with that C.  He was possessive of me. He had wanted me to be his and only his, but  I didn't know why.

I just didn't understand why. We had only been together a night, we had only just met. I didn't understand any of it. But it knew how demons acted and how jealous they could become. It never made any sense to me. He never made any sense to me. Why me? Why just after a night? Why did it end like that? He could have just walked away and left it at that. He could have said his peace and not tried to scare me, because that's what he had done. He had tried to use intimidation against me and it worked. He had scared the shit out of me so much so that I had been afraid to even go home by myself.  I had been in fear that he would show up again, but he never did. But he had scared me. He could have taken me out or something. I don't know, I just wish he wouldn't have scared me so much. It took so long to forget about him. It took so long to not be so anxious about him coming back. I shoved him to the back of my mind and it had worked for so long.

"But why?" I asked shortly, as I gave a small shoulder shrug. I didn't care anymore. I was going to ask these questions. I need to know his answers and I figured in this state he was in, he'd share anything with me.

"Darling, I...." He was hesitant. He didn't want to answer these.

I leaned up quickly and caught his gaze. His eyes were screaming sorry at me, as he shook his head. He didn't want to. He didn't want to say a word to me, but there had to be an explanation. An explanation as to why me, why was I chosen.

"We only hooked up one night. I don't understand why I....." i took a deep breath, trying to keep my shaky voice at bay. I swallowed hard.

"I don't understand why you branded me and made me your own or tried to. Why me? Why did it have to go that far? It doesn't make sense." I asked quickly spouting off my words. I had to know now, there was no going back. He was going to tell me.

"Darling, I.....I don't even know how to explain myself. Demons...we....we don't know how to express our feelings-or lack thereof, really. I-i felt this spark for you. And that night, it was wonderful." He said through a smirk, as he simply shook his head and gave a small shrug.  

"I had fun that night and logically in my demon mind, you were mine. You were no one else's. I put that C on you, so I could keep an eye on you. I just felt-i felt........different with you. Every time I touched your skin or kissed you, I wanted more. You were like a drug....And," He looked up quickly and frantically shook his head back and forth. It's like he had realized what he had just said to me. And it didn't bother me, I mean-I didn't necessarily like to think about our time together. But his words, it was ok. I was ok.

"But no, you don't need to hear about that...that was a long time ago. I've changed, as you've seen. I would never...."

" I know. I know you....have changed. I believe you. You wouldn't touch me, not like that. Do.......Do you still feel that way? When.....when we touch? Is that why you've been helping me, because....I matter to you?" I asked cautiously, as I examined his face.

He immediately pulled his lips in together and sighed.

"Of course you matter to me. You in a sense always have mattered to me. I went about things the wrong way, but of course you matter to me. I-i consider you my only friend, if that's...if that's ok. I enjoy your companionship. It's...it's something I've never had. I can tell you care for me. You help me.....to take care of me. You've done things for me that no one would have. You've cared for me and listened to me. And I thank you for that." His head swooped down slowly, as he talked.

I could tell he didn't want to admit these things. That it was hard for him, but I was relived. My conflicted feelings of concern and the feelings of my heart break were coming together. I understood how I felt and how he felt. We were friends, good friends. We helped each other in our most dire times. At least now anyways. And I, I could do this. I could be his friend, I mean I had been for a little while now. I was still a little conflicted, this was something I never thought I'd have in him. A friend. A companion, someone to see me at my ugliest. Which he had on multiple occasions and I just-wow. It was an amazing feeling to have this. An amazing feeling to finally realize.

"And thats-thats why he had to die. I couldn't risk him finding you or tracking us down. Or bringing Moose and Squirrel around, you...you were mine. And I see the error of my ways now, believe me. I just want you to heal. I want what's best for you in every way. You are my friend, not my property. I-I'm sorry, this blood flowing through me, it's hard to shut up." He said through a small laugh, as a small smile crossed my lips. He was sincere, I could feel it. He meant every word he said and it put my heart at ease.

I wasn't going to let my crippling  anxiety or my fears hold me back. I was going to fully believe that he had my best interest at heart. That he wouldn't be playing me and making me think in ws getting better. He was being for real. He was being sincere.  He was......OK and so was I.

"I consider you my friend too, I have....have for awhile. You're probably the only one who would be willing to put up with me. I'm a freak and...you're the only one I can trust. Which probably sounds crazy, I....." i stopped my words, as I took a deep breath.

All of these weird feelings were overwhelming and it was going to take me a few minutes to digest then. It was going to take me a few minutes to get used to the idea that I had had in my mind for so long. He was my friend. And it made me wonder if I was ever going to be ok.

"Will I ever be ok?" I whispered to him, as his fingers drifted across my cheek again. And my eyes closed out of instinct, I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop myself now. I was way too drained.  I was way too tired now from my emotions over the past few hours. I couldn't help leaning into him. And i couldn't help feeling comfortable, as his lips connected with my forehead.

It was loving and caring and it made me feel content. The most content I had felt in a long time. He lingered his kiss, as he wrapped his arm around me again. And I slowly got more and more comfortable. My hands were laid across his chest, as I took in several big breaths. Like breaths before I fell asleep and I could feel the tingling creeping up my limbs, as I snuggled my face into the crook of his neck.

His smell, his heart beat, everything in the recipe to help me sleep was surrounding me.

"Some day," he whispered, as his chin rested against my head.

"Someday you'll feel confident enough to leave here-leave me.  But until then, I will be here to protect you and heal you." He said softly with sincerity. And it made my heart skip a beat. I could count on him.

"Now, go to sleep, Petal. I can tell you're exhausted." He said in a whisper,as I silently nodded my head against him.

"Crowls?" I asked softly into the crook of his neck.

"Yes, love?" 

"I know you're craving. You can take more from me if you need some. Take care of yourself." I barely whispered, as the sound of his heart filled my ears. It was the only thing I could hear, as the blackness took over my mind. And this time I would not fight it. I wanted it. I needed it.

"Yes, darling," he said softly once again, as I heard the neediness in his voice. And I didn't necessarily know if he'd take it from me again, I know he didn't really want to. But for some reason, I didn't care if he did.

"Now go to sleep. You've been hanging on for so long. Go to sleep and get the well deserved sleep you need. No more nightmares, no more demons, just sleep." He whispered and that was the last thing I heard, as I felt a warming sensation spread throughout my mind and body.

It slowly cascaded through my veins all the way down to my toes. It was warm and soothing and I.....

Blackness. Nothingness. It took me over. No more demons. No more anything. Quiet. Sleep


	15. Long, Long, Way from Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) I AM SO SORRY!!! SOOOO SORRY this took so long! I've honestly had a shitty September. I had two grandparents die within a week of each other.My only two grandfathers.....which meant two funerals within 2 days of each other and I just didn't feel like writing. It was awful, but I finally got my motivation again so thank you so much for your patience, I appreciate it! And Thanks to anyone who actually reads this, I'm so glad I have great readers. 
> 
> 2) So a note about this chapter..I got carried away, REALLY carried away...like 13 pages carried away lol. So I hope the long chapter makes up for the lack of update. 
> 
> 3) Another note...I try, super try to keep everything canon. I try to keep Crowley's behavior on the human blood canon, well as far as I can. But I always like to explore it more, more than the show was able to. We didn't really get a lot of episodes with him on it or how he acted, because well we couldn't, so I like to fill in the blanks. It's one of my favorite things to do. BUT with this chapter, I kind of added my own headcanon. It just has to do with his deal that he had made. This Chapter explores both their pasts, Lorna's I can make up on my own, because she's mine. But I also kinda had to make up Crowley's too, well with some Canon help. So I hope it all fits....I get kind of nervous with I stray from the canon world. I hope its good XD!

There was nothing but darkness around me. No dreams. No nightmares, just darkness. Darkness in my mind that clouded my thoughts and begged me to come back to the emptiness-the dream, no, dreamless land. It called to me. It wanted me to come back, to sleep more. 

And it was enticing, so enticing, that I wanted to go back. I was free there. There was nothing there to torture me, not anymore. It was weird to see emptiness, but they were gone and it seemed like for good. There were no demons. There were no nightmares, just an endless dark land. It was a land that went on for miles and miles and I floated; freedom. I was free there. It made me feel like a whole new person, all because my nightmares were gone. I couldn't even see their faces any more. What did they look like, again? Who were they?

They were a thing of the past. They were a thing that I no longer had to deal with and I....I felt happiness spill through me at the thought of it. Maybe things were starting to look up for me. But now...now all I had to do was wake up, at least a little. Maybe sleep was a better option, yes, sleep-I could do this for a little longer....if I could. 

 My ears rang loudly, as the surface beneath me trembled. A faint background sound penetrated my ears, but soon was replaced by something else. I could hear the faint sounds of whimpering and sniffles. It completely covered up the background noise and infiltrated my ears.  I furrowed my brows together. What was happening?

Where was I? Why was I here, again? I couldn't even remember, my mind was too hazy. I was too tired to have any second thoughts. All I knew was I was comfortable-so comfortable. So warm.....

There was a warm thing....a body. A warm body beneath me. I slowly licked my lips and tasted the bitterness of salt against them. What was that? Why was I tasting this? But I couldn't get myself to care. I couldn't even pretend I cared at all. I was comfortable and didn't want to move a muscle. There was no way no how I was moving, nu-uh.

The percussive sound of a heart beat rang in my ears, overpowering the ringing that had been there. Whose heartbeat? My heartbeat? No...no that wasn't mine. It wouldn't be so close and so familiar and so comforting.  It wasn't mine.....it was.. oh! it was Crowley's.

His heartbeat-my comfort. The thing that lulled me to sleep and made me feel like I was in Heaven, which was hilarious. My heaven was pounding inside of the King of Hell, the King of Rotten, the man who had kidnapped me. My heaven......I didn't even want to over think it ever again...I needed to stop thinking like that. I needed to....stop.

He was trying and I was getting better. Maybe he wasn't so bad anymore-well I mean I knew that. He wasn't bad at all, with me at least. I know I've said it before, but he probably puts on an act for his demons and it's nice when he comes home. He doesn't have to pretend anymore-not with me, not ever again. Yes, he had kidnapped me and left me. I had been leverage for some idiotic cause. A spat he had had with my stupid "brothers", but that was that. I was moving forward and so was he. And it felt good, to move forward, to not be stuck wallowing in my own pity. I was going to try and be better. I didn't....I didn't want to be like this for the rest of my life. I wanted to be a better, happier...a real person.

I took a large breath in-yes it was comfirmed.  it was Crowley, I could smell him, but it was different-new. A new sweet smell, strawberries or sugar,  mixed with the constant brimstone that wafted off of him. A constant reminder of where he was from and that smell probably never left him. That smell was probably ingrained into every part of his being and I for some reason loved it. I loved the smell and the comfort it brought.  It was him and i was thankful. Crowley-my Crowley. No..I needed to move. I needed to wake up. But I felt a small ache in the side of my neck. Like something had poked me. It was deep and pulsed every time my heart beat against my chest. But why? Why had I....oh! Crowley, I had told him he could have taken more blood, he must have. And that’s what the pain must be from…him.

How long had I been here? I was obviously still cuddled into him, using his warmth like my own personal furnace. He was so warm and my body was cuddled into his. So nice and toasty. I could feel his arm curled around my body. His fingers rested gently on my back. I snuggled into him further, burying my face into his warm chest. His warm, warm body, ahhh. I didn't want to leave. My toes wiggled slightly against the warmth of the blanket. Ahhh, the comfort of the blanket I was wrapped in. The warmth that encased me and him made me not want to leave. I didn't want to move or wake up or anything. I wanted to go back to sleep. That was it, I was staying.  I wasn't going anywhere. I was going to continue to lie here and drool. Wait...what? I felt a cold, familiar feeling on my chin. And an even more familiar feeling on the spot beneath my face. Oh. Oh no.

I moved the tip of my nose around on his shirt and felt it. A moist spot, it was cold, and my heart skipped a beat. Oh no. Had I actually just done that? Damnit. I had just drooled all over the King of Hell. I could feel my cheeks flush with embarrassment and I groaned inwardly. My once foggy mind cleared immediately, as I became even more aware and embarrassed. Oh no.

And I was awake. Dead awake. So awake I could hear the things around me now. A TV faintly in the background and the simple background noises of the outside world swam through the apartment.  Oh man, I was awake. I didn't want to be. I didn't want to be this aware, this clear minded. But, I guess I was. 

The surface beneath my face shook again, as I furrowed my brows more. The same sounds faintly spilled from above me. The same whimpering and sniffling. The same sounds that had stirred me from my sleep, they were happening again. He shook me every time he did it, every time he...cried? Was he crying? I felt his body shake more, as his hand tightened around my backside. It felt like he was holding me closer to him, as he shook more. I was....conflicted? I mean..it wasn't normal for him cry. I mean how long had it been for him? Centuries? Crap, I didn't want to jolt up and surprise or embarrass him? Did he even feel that? Crap,crap,crap!!! I didn't know how to deal with this?

But my body reacted without my say so, as my fingers brushed against his bearded jaw line. The hairs tickling the flesh of my palm. They slowly rose and glided against the smooth, wet skin of his cheeks. The moisture rubbed onto my finger tips. And I carefully rubbed my thumb along his skin, as I wiped away his tears.

"Are you alright?" I inquired through a mumble, as I continued to hide my face in his chest.

I couldn't look at him; I didn't want to make him feel awkward. I didn't want to make the situation worse for him, if it did. I didn't know how it would make him feel. I just felt......awkward if he felt awkward, I probably over thunk it. 

And all at once, it all stopped. Every movement he made ceased, as his fingers brushed against mine on his cheek. The odd background sound that had filled the apartment ceased as well. Everything was eery and still. 

"I apologize, darling, did I wake you?" He asked through a shaky voice, as he let his hand linger on mine. The heat from his skin penetrated through mine, it was soothing. It was familiar and It was just what I needed.   

"No, I woke up a few minutes ago, it’s ok." I replied through lie. My voice slightly lower and groggier than usual.

Shhh, of course it was what had woke me up, but I didn't want him to feel bad. He was already in a fragile state and I was still groggy. So foggy headed and unclear of what I should say. I didn't want to say anything to upset him or make him feel weird.

I slowly raised my head up to meet his swollen red eyes. He stared back at me with concern, as his brows crinkled together. I was right, he had been crying. The evidence was all over his face and he unfortunately couldn't hide it. But he didn't seem to want to. He didn't even try to hide his tears, as I slowly wiped them away.  I immediately crinkled my eyebrows together. 

"You ok?" I asked softly with worry. It wasn't like him to be like this. He gave a small smile and shook his head. His finger immediately pointed past me.

"I'm fine, it's this bloody movie. She just," he stopped quickly, as he rolled his lips together. I could hear a slight quiver, as he spoke and I quickly turned my head.

And I gave a small smile, as the screen came into view. Two older people that had been slowly dancing together had now stopped. And the woman was now freaking out and yelling at him. She was furious and had no idea who the man was.  The Notebook, one of my favorite movies. It had always made me cry and it was right at that heartbreaking part near the end. It was where she remembered him for a split second and then boom...she forgot him again. It always made me feel sad and I understood why he was so upset.

"She just remembered and now she has already forgotten. I just-I'm bloody awful." He said through a weak voice and more tears spilled onto his face and streamed down his red cheeks.

I quickly whipped my head back toward him ready to comfort him, but it was maybe a little too quickly. I cringed, as the apartment around me spun in circles. Nothing was in focus, as blurs of color filled my eyes.  Nothing stood still and I quickly brought my hand to my forehead.  I hissed from the pain, as I clamped my eyes shut. A headache bolted through my skull. It felt like it was thumping off each side of my head like a hammer repeatedly bouncing off of my skull. The pain was excruciating and I winced and groaned with every pulse that ran through my skull.

It hurt like Hell. It was so sudden and all I could do was focus on it. The pain, the sudden dizzy spell, it was awful. I hadn't felt like this in years. And I suspected it was a mix between possible blood loss, I was hoping it wasn't so much that, and a lack of food were to blame. But I didn't really know, it could have been anything. I had gone from such a low to a normal state of being, anything could be wrong.

I could feel his hands hold me tight again and I gave a small whimper.

"Petal?" He questioned frantically. I could hear it in his voice. It was full of panic and he felt lost. It was something he couldn't control. He didn't know what was happening. He couldn't tell what was wrong with me and I think it scared him.  

I groaned, as I held a quick finger up. "It's ok, I'm just dizzy. My head is killing me all of a sudden. But I'm ok, I promise." I said quietly, as I kept my eyes shut.

"Clearly," he quipped back, as I heard him sigh. “I sincerely hope I didn't" he paused quickly, as a few seconds went by and silence filled my ears. I knew he was still there, but he seemed conflicted. There was something wrong.

"I didn't think I took too much, you said I could-that I could." He sputtered.

"No," I interjected quickly, before he could say anymore. “I said you could take some, I am sure you took just what you needed. I'm fine, you're fine, don't worry about it." I said sternly, as I took deep breaths. I could feel my stomach turning from the unbalance in my body. There was dizziness in my skull that ached in the deepest part of my brain. A deep gurgle/ growl erupted from my abdomen, as I cringed. What was happening?!

"How long has it been since you've eaten?" He asked calmly, acting as if his worry from before had never existed, but a hint of it was still there. He was afraid he had taken too much blood while I had been sleeping. But I knew now by the unmistakable feeling in my stomach that I was hungry, maybe even starving. So starving that I needed food, but I wondered why it had just now hit me.

I carefully peeked an eye open and looked him over. His eyebrows had risen into his hairline, as his hands folded in between us. He was waiting for my answer and I suspected by the look on his face that he already knew the answer. But I'm glad he did, because my mind drew a blank.

When had I last eaten? Had it been too long? I knew it had at least been a few hours, but was it enough to make me feel like this? I had gotten so used to eating so little for so long, that my body didn't understand how to function properly with so little food anymore. Since I had been here, with him in this apartment, I had been fed properly. So properly that my body had grown to become shaky and angry and have horrible symptoms when I didn't have enough food. But this was new, maybe it was the freak out that had caused this. Being so emotional and blacking out and feeling so numb, I hadn't even thought about food. But I was hungry i could feel the emptiness in the pit of my stomach, rumbling at me and begging me for food. And then I had a spark of realization: I hadn't eaten since Crowley had left me. That meant since before we talked about the blade and me calling for groceries. I hadn't eaten since then, a few days maybe. I guess it depended on how long I had been asleep...

"How long was I out for?" I asked quickly, as I finally pried my other eye open.

He pursed his lips, as he thought about it.  I could see him physically adding it up. His lips slowly started moving, as his head bobbed a little. A slick smirk grew on just lips, as he quickly made eyes contact with me again.

"Oh, nothing too long, Darling, only about 12 hours," He said nonchalantly, like it was no big deal I had slept for so long. And especially on him, I mean he had barely moved a muscle. He let me stay there....on him....for so long. I kind of felt mortified! I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that he stayed just like that-for me.  He did it for me?

"You! You let me sleep for 12 hours? Don't you have Hell to run? Or-or something else to do? I kept you for that long and-and slept on you. You could have moved me and left, I wouldn't have minded."I rambled quickly, as the words spilled off of my tongue. I was mortified that he had done that, for 12 hours none the less!

"Darling, it's no big deal. You needed the beauty rest and I needed-well, you know. It was a perfect compromise and it worked. I didn't have a thing to do, this was important. We needed this.  And I didn't even mind the drool spot you left behind." He added the last part with sass and a smirk trying to cover up the sincerity in his last statement. 'We needed this' he had said, and i think we did, we really did. But he had to revert to his old self. His sassy cover up.  I immediately felt my cheeks burning with embarrassment, showing my true feelings on the matter of my drool. I wanted to hide forever and never come out.

"Ugh!," I groaned, as I buried my face into my hands.  "You bastard," I muttered.

"Now, how about that food you so desperately need?" He said quickly, trying to lighten the mood a bit and help my minor freak out. I must have really needed food, because I was a little upset at him. And I didn't know why?

I think-I just didn't want him to think, that I expected him to stay? Like I wanted him to stay, yes. But I didn't...I don't know. He's just so busy and he's a very important man, he runs Hell for fucks sakes. He shouldn't want some human sleeping on him, but then again. It had been nice waking up to his familiar scent and heartbeat. I think I would have been disappointed if it would have woken up alone, but again. I didn't expect it. I just wanted him to be there on his own? Not because I had begged him. He could have taken care of business. But maybe on the other hand, I freaked out because..........I liked it. I liked the closeness with him. The warmth he had provide me. The soft touch of his hands on my back. I trusted him way too much for my liking, but....i had to and wanted to. I enjoyed his company, his stupid sarcastic comments. But I think I enjoyed the fact that he trusted me too. He trusted me with personal matters that concerned him. His tears....his laughs...his sass....he trusted me too.

"Food sounds wonderful,” I replied through my hands again. My voice muffled against the flesh of my hand, as I remained embarrassed. Stupid drool, why did I have to do that??? I mean, I'm sure it's normal, but-NOOOO, not in this situation.  Whyyyyyy?!?! I could have drooled anywhere else, but apparently I had chosen him. And i wished I hadn't.

"Ask and you shall receive, Petal." He quipped, as the snap of his fingers echoed through the room.

And almost out of thin air a knock came from the front door and I raised a brow. My head lifted from my hands as I stared at a smirking Crowley. He raised his brow, as he motioned for me to move. And I complied, as I rolled off of him and sat upright on the bed. I watched his every move, as he sashayed towards the door. And within an instant he was back on the bed with 3 large pizza boxes, a few two liters of soda, and a winning smile. He quickly spread the boxes onto the bed and lined them up right in front of me.

But I couldn't get myself to care about his odd smile or the way he seemed to show off his ability to get the pizza here ASAP. Although, I did wonder how the pizza man got here so quickly;  he must have planned it. He must have known I was going to wake up soon.  But that was the least of my focus and the least of my worries. All it could focus on was the pizza that was sitting in front of me.

The smell that permeated from the boxes was almost heavenly. The best thing I had ever smelled. It was heaven in a box. I could smell the seasoning, the pepperoni, the sharp Italian sausage, and the sweet smelling sauce. Oh it smelled delicious and when he opened the box to display the pizza a golden light seemed to drift out of it like it was a gift from God or the heavens, but instead it was delivered by the King of Hell and the irony was killing me. But I didn't care! Must! Have! Pizza!!!

"Perfect!" I managed to spit out before I grabbed a slice and shoved it into my face. I didn't even let the flavors sit on my tongue; there was no time to savor it. There was no time to chew. I had to jam it down my throat as fast as i could. No time to properly enjoy it. I was just too hungry for any of it.

"So what exactly did you do for 12 hours while I slept?" I asked curiously, as I grabbed onto another piece and looked up at him.  He immediately raised a brow and moved his head from side to side. 

"Oh you know," he said cryptically, as he pointed toward the television. "I indulged in a few sappy movies here and there, no big deal." He gave a slight shrug and i just nodded.

"You know, there's nothing to be embarrassed about. That's a good movie," I said as I pointed toward the television screen. "No matter how many times I've seen it, I still manage to cry." I tried to play it off as no big deal; he was obviously embarrassed that it had gotten to him. He was obviously upset that that had happened; letting his emotions show like that. But he didn't seem to care too much that I had been the one to witness it.

"Yes-well, they were-very nice...to watch. You know, for romantic type films. I hadn't seen any in years, thought I'd give it a try. See what you silly humans blubber about in the theaters." I could tell he was trying to keep his cool. It was like he had wanted to see what the movies were like with emotions and feelings. 

"Well now you know and you successfully survived. They weren't too bad, were they?" I asked with a smirk, as he silently shook his head.

"You seem better." He commented quickly, as his eyes drifted over my face.

"I am. That pizza really hit the spot, thanks for it and how quick it was. It was amazingly delicious and now i feel 10 times better. No more dizzy spells or  a headache., I am all good." I said, as I gave a thumbs up. I felt great.

Even though it had only been about 10 minutes since I had eaten, it still made a difference. My head didn't hurt, my stomach had settled, and I even felt good mentally. It was like everything had changed for me in the past 12 hours. I honestly felt good all around, which was a complete change from 24 hours ago.

"You didn't have any dreams while you slept?" He asked curiously in a small voice, as his eyes dipped into squints.

I stared back at him, as he eyed my face and quickly shrugged.

"No...I don't think so......why?" I asked cautiously, as he continued to stare. And I could see him examining my every move, as his head shook. He was checking to make sure I was ok or so it seemed...something was strange with him all of a sudden. Something off about his mood. His mood had changed quickly and it was confusing.

"No reason, darling....I...just wanted to make sure...I was worried that maybe they had come back or maybe.....maybe you had dreamt something bad again." He said through uncertainty and he seemed so nervous about his words, as he stammered slightly. He even fidgeted with his hands and his eyes darted toward the bed. It was like he couldn't look at me or was too nervous to look at me; he just wasn't his normal confident self. Something wasn't right with him and I honestly was confused.

I didn't think I had had any dreams, but had I really? I had been knocked out for so long and didn't remember a thing. My dreams had felt like darkness. And it was almost as if I had fallen asleep and been woken up immediately. I couldn't remember a thing, not a damn thing, and that was irritating.

"Did something happen while I slept? I mean-my dreams...they were nothing...there was nothing there. It was all darkness and then I woke up." I retorted quickly, as I continued to observe his every move. He still seemed nervous and it was weird for him. He wasn't like this...ever. Never this nervous and it was noticeable-so weird.

"It was nothing, Petal, nothing I just wanted to make sure they weren't back I was....I was worried for you...you seemed so...." And he immediately paused and looked into my eyes. There was something there, something he wasn't telling me, and I could tell. I could see it in his eyes that he was stalling. And he was most definitely lying about something. But what? Why was he acting like this. It was so strange to see him like this, to see him so human. He had been so confident and now? Now he was.....strange and he seemed to be hiding something important from me.

"What aren't you telling me?" I asked suspiciously with seriousness lacing my tone. And my whole body language changed, as I leaned in toward him. I placed my arm on my leg and stared at him patiently waiting for an answer. I could see the concern dripping off his face, as his expression changed over and over again.  He was conflicted, which made me more nervous and anxious.

It seemed so serious. What had I done? I hoped I hadn't had any unknown nightmares or said anything in my sleep. I know that had happened before, even before my hellish experience. My dreams had always been so alive and more often than not based off true events. Events that I had wanted to forget or not really want to dream about, but they always came back. Anything traumatic, and believe me I had had my share of traumatic, live changing experiences. They had been awful experiences and I was afraid something like that had happened that I had uttered something that I didn't want to talk about. Things that I didn’t want to.....didn’t want speak of, awful things that were from my past. Things that i didn't actually like to talk about, I wasn't exactly an open book.  But with him though, he had brought it out of me. He had made me feel a little bit more comfortable talking about my past, my beginnings in life, and that was ok. It was, but it still made me nervous, so nervous. I was guarded and felt like I had always needed to be. I didn't need to spill my family secrets or tell my whole life story, not to anyone. Even the boys barely knew what had happened to me and my parents and Josh. Only Bobby knew, he was the only one that had needed to know.

"You twitched quit often. More than I had ever witnessed. You weren't resting well, tossing and turning against me. You fought against me, pushing against my chest and mumbling things and I thought for a second they hadn't left you again, that they had returned even with me around, but it was different from before. You didn't fight like you were terrified, I mean you were. You were terrified. But it was different. You fought like.....you were...trying to get to someone...to save them..and..."

I froze and my heart fell into my stomach. I could feel my eyes widen, as I continued stared at him.  I could feel my palms becoming slick with sweat, as they clammed up. I had a feeling I knew where this was going, who I had dreamt about, but it had been so long. So-so long since my mind had brought me back to the day that started it all. My life...my hunting life, my beginnings. I knew exactly what I had dreamt about, but why couldn't I remember dreaming it? Why had I done that again, so out of the blue. It had been a few years, more like 10 plus years. It's like one nightmare had left and an old one had returned.

"You..you said a name,” he barely whispered, as I nodded my head.  And the whole world stood still around me, as vague memories infiltrated my mind. My body stiffened immediately and my breath turned rigid in my chest.

Everything from my past came flooding back through unwanted memories and I could feel the burning in the back of my eyes. I could feel the tears as they threatened to spill down my cheeks. I knew what he was going to say. I knew whose name I had whispered or probably yelled. It was just like when I was four. It had always played over and over again through the years and it never stopped.

"Joshua...?" He questioned cautiously, as the name barely crept from his mouth. I could see the wary expression his face held and the concern in his eyes. He wasn't sure how to react or how to take my nonexistent reaction.

“oh," is all I could manage to spit out, as I tried to make my mind stop thinking so much. And by my reaction and the quickness of my one worded response, he seemed even more confused.

His eyebrows crinkled together and his jaw was slightly ajar. His fingers drummed the flesh of his arm, as he tried to come up with a response. I didn't understand him really, but he seemed to be sympathetic in the moment. Or maybe cautious, yeah I think that was it. He seemed cautious of my feelings and that was something I didn't think I'd ever get used to. Everything since he had returned he had been so cautious and caring with me. He always begged me to open up and spill my feelings and how I was feeling and  I was still getting used to it. I was getting used to moving past my fears and hate and everything that had been in me and had been trapped and pent up for so long. I was moving past that, but I still hated it.  I hated opening up still, but with him....with him everything was getting easier. And that was terrifying.

"oh?" He questioned back, as his eyebrow rose again in confusion.

" Yes 'oh'," I retorted quickly, as I gave a shrug. I tried to play it off like 'no big deal!!' Honestly, I didn't want him to start asking questions, but then again; he should have already known, right?

He was the king of hell and I know he did his research on everything and everyone, especially people who caught his interest.  You don't become so powerful without knowing information, even if it's only bits and pieces. But he had to of done his research, especially on all of his captives. We had been there for a reason, I knew I had been. And I assumed all the poor souls that had been locked in that building with me had been there for some reason too. All there for some weird game he had played. I never talked to them or got to see them, but I knew they had been there with me. I could hear them....their screams...their deaths. And i always wondered, what were they there for? The same purpose as me? For leverage, for research, why?

He had read all of Carved Enlunds books just for research on Sam and Dean and everyone they had ever saved. I remembered he had forced me to spill secrets on them and what their hunts had been like and possibly who they had saved and what i knew about them. He made me tell him everything back when I was his captive. I remember not wanting to help or tell, but I had to. I had had to tell him, because if I didn't, he would have hurt me. But that was then and this was now. He wouldn't hurt me now, especially if I didn't tell him about Josh and what had happened then. But that wasn't my concern, I was curious as to how he didn't know. Or maybe he did and didn't want to creep me out by letting me know he knew? Maybe he really didn't, because by the look on his face still he seemed genuine. He seemed like he really didn't know.

"It's no big deal," I started softly, as my hands talked with me.

"It's just....it's just a reoccurring dream, it's nothing to be concerned about, I promise." I said trying to sound reassuring, but i think I failed by the immediate eye roll he gave. And his head slightly shook back and forth, as his shoulders fell forward.

"Bad dreams must follow you around, then?" He quipped, as I gave a small chuckle.

Of course they did, I always have had bad dreams or vivid dreams; they always stuck with me. Every single dream stuck with me like glue and to be honest....it was always a burden. Something i never wanted to come back, but they were dreams and i couldn't help it. I couldn't make them go away, so I had always dealt with it as best I could. And only until recently had it been so bad that i couldn't sleep, but that seemed over......the dreams, their faces, they seemed like a distant memory of sorts. And i prayed they were and hoped they were gone, but only time would truly tell.

"Well....when a ton of awful shit happenes in ones lifetime, then yes. They really do seem to follow me around. But honestly it's nothing to worry about, just something I've dealt with for years." His chest rose and fell, as his eyes filled with compassion. He continued to stare every now and again letting his eyes fall to the bed spread beneath us. And he grew quiet, but I could see the questions brewing beneath his eyes. 

The uncomfortable silence quickly surrounded us and I knew he wanted to know everything. I could tell by the way he slightly opened his mouth, took large breaths, and looked at me. Like he wanted to speak, wanted something to say, but he fell short. It was on the tip of his deceitful tongue, he wanted answers.  But I knew, I could tell. He was curious, but yet; he didn't really want to ask. He didn't want to intrude and I was ok with that. I was ok with not talking about it, because it was hard.

My beginning was hard, my new hunting life had been hard to adjust to. But Josh, I missed him a lot even though I barely got a chance to know him. Barely got a chance to see what he could have become, he was my brother. And I looked up to him, even if I had only gotten 4 years to know him. He was my protector and my hero. He had done such amazing things in his short life and I always missed him. He was always in the back of my mind reminding me of what my life had been like all those years ago. But that was so long ago and although I hadn't spoken his name in years, my emotions were clear. My mind was clear. And my tears had dried up. It was time. 

My eyes drifted up lazily, as the remnants of my tears fell away. And I no longer felt the emotions from before. The emotions of knowing he knew or heard me speak Josh's name in my sleep. And I examined the demon that sat in front of me and I could feel the nerves leaking off of him. I could tell how hard this was for him to not know, to want to ask about it, but something. Something was up with him...something...weird. This wasn't his normal self.

"He was my brother," I said softly, barely in a whisper, as his eyes lit up slightly. They widened a little, as his brow crinkled.

"No, I-you don't have to. I just wanted to make sure you were ok. I was concerned about you and your well being and I don't want this to...."

"Trigger me?" I questioned, as he nodded slightly.

And that's what it was. He wanted to know, but he didn't. He didn't want to hurt me more. Or make me think about events that would cause me to feel anxious or make me sad. But it was weird...it had affected me at first. It made me want to run and avoid the conversation.  My pulse had sped up and my heart had felt like it was going to leap from my chest through my mouth in the form of puke. But now? Now I was ok. I was calm my heart was fine. My stomach had stopped churning.

Thinking about my brother....thinking about him had always hurt. Knowing him for such a small amount of time made me feel like I had missed out. Seeing what Sam and Dean had become; such great brother, it made me sad. I could have had that. I could have been happy and had a complete family. My parents would have been a lot happier and a lot less neglectful of me. But then again...I wouldn't have had a chance for Sam and Dean and Bobby; to have met them and been adopted into their lives. Sometimes I think everything happens for a reason, we meet who we are opposed to meet and love who we are supposed to love. Our paths cross for a reason.

"When I was four years old my brother moved into his freshman year of college right outside of Sioux Falls, South Dakota." I started slowly, as he immediately raised a brow. And I could tell he was doing the math in his head and a little smirk quickly crossed my lips.

"I was an 'oops we thought we were done having kids but here comes Lorna anyways' kind of kid. That's why were so far apart. My parents didn't want another child, Josh was enough for them. Actually, if I remember right, it was physically impossible for my mother to conceive, but somehow I was meant to be born." I continued, as distant memories drifted through my mind. And I swore I could hear Josh's laugh or see his smile in the back of my mind. I gave a small shrug, as he raised his brow. His hand waved a little and I could tell he wanted more, this wasn't enough.

"Can I ask what happened to him?" He respectfully inquired.

"My parents got a call from his dorm roommate about three weeks into his stay. He was freaked out, because Josh kept coming back with bloodied clothes and wasn't acting like himself. He said he was being rude and coming and going at all times of the night. Showing up only to leave again. So naturally my parents saw red flags and rushed with me in tow to his school. They came to his dorm and talked to his friend, he wasn't there of course. And they tracked him to a warehouse and...." i paused momentarily, as I took several deep breaths.

This was it. This was the moment i hadn't spoken about in years.  This was the pivotal moment that had changed my life forever. The everything that had made me the person I was. The person I had been before my capture. The thing that was still ingrained In my thoughts and dreams.

My eyes drifted up and I met Crowley's concerned filled eyes. He stared at me silently, silently begging me to continue, but wanted to make sure I was ok to do that. And I was, it was hard-but I was ok. Or I would be ok, I didn't know why, but it felt important to tell him about it. My gut instinct was to spill all my secrets, but my mind screamed at me not to. Even though I knew I could trust him, my mind still wanted me to hold back, to not discuss this. But I needed to, to heal, to feel better, and to hopefully make the dreams go away.

"We followed him into the warehouse, it was on campus. My parents were on his tail, but even at my age I could tell something was wrong with him. I remember him speaking a weird language and he-he didn't seem like himself. And I was right, he wasn't. He was..."

"He was possessed," Crowley quickly intervened, as I nodded my head. I brought my lips together, as the pain of the past ran through my mind. It was awful to think about, awful to talk about, but it felt relieving at the same time. Like a weight had been lifted off my chest and I needed to tell more, get it all out.

"Yes, he was possessed by a demon. We only knew because of his black eyes. My parents were frantic at that point, they didn't know what to do. I was horrified-seeing his eyes and his face. I knew it wasn't him, but at that point I didn't know what he was either. But he stared at me and he smirked. He was being weird. He said some things only to me, things that haunted me for a long time...."

"What did he say, Petal?" He interrupted quickly, as his leaned into me further. I could tell he was deeply enthralled in the story and needed more. The way his eyes lit up with anticipation and the way he stared at me. He needed more and I was way too deep into the story to stop now. I couldn't, deep down I needed it.

I hesitated a little, because it was strange. What he had said to me was weird and I had never understood it, not ever.

"He had said I....I had a destiny to fulfill, something important to bring to life and that was it. Then he took a blood soaked knife and stabbed himself repeatedly, and smoked out. I watched as my brothers body plummeted to the floor and he....he die almost instantly." I said, as my eyes floated toward the blanket beneath me. My fingers played with a loose thread that had come unraveled from its spot.

"And that's what my dream always is, that part. The part where I'm helplessly staring at him. My parents are always screaming in the background, but the only thing I can ever scream is his name. I always try to run toward him, to save him, but it never works. He ways dies and it just replays over and over again."

"A destiny?" He questioned aloud, as I nodded my head. I could feel the burning in my eyes, as the tears threatened to spill. I could feel the burning in my nose, as I gave a small  sniffle.

I never fully understood what the demon had meant. I didn't have a destiny. I didn't have anything, it was just a life. A shitty life, but it was mine. It was all mine. It was my life to live and it had lived it to what it had thought it should have, but that was it. But still, what kind of destiny would i have?  It almost sounded cheesy or stupid and its didn't want to believe it.

"Petal," he said softly, as I felt his fingers beneath my chin. He raised my head slowly so my eyes met his and he gave a small smile.  "Demons lie, you know that better than I do. And I can tell you've worried about that your whole life. It's something that's haunted you over and over again. What he had said to you. What had happened to you, there's a reason it all did. I'm sorry it happened, Petal. That's an awful thing for a four year old to go through, even now, that would have been hard. I....I truly am sorry. I can hunt him down for you, if you'd like. Did he ever tell you his name?" He asked with sincerity and I quickly raised my eyebrows in surprise. 

I was surprised because he was going to track this demon down? Or...why? Why would he do that, that was so long ago. I didn't even know if that demon still existed or what had happened. My parents tried for years. Set their revenge for killing their golden child, they had been on it. They had been trying to track him down. They had spent all their time after that following leads and they slowly became hunters....But that wasn't the life I had wanted. I had tried to separate myself from that. I had tried to....not be them. Not be the obsessive people they had become. 

"No," I said meekly, "That's generous of you to offer, but that was so long ago. Besides, my parents did that for 15 years. They tirelessly and obsessively tried to track him down. They tried to put his head on a stick, but I don't know....I don't know if they were ever successful. So..it's ok. I'm not that worried about it. I just wish....wish the dream would go away. It's been so long and I miss my brother and all, but it's more annoying than anything." I said, as my eyes involuntary shut. And I took a deep breath. My statements weren't going to help me want to shut up now. They were only going to bring more questions and I could see it. As my eyes opened again, the confusion on his face and the wants in his eyes. I felt his fingers gently glide against my chin, as he tried to soothe me. 

"Ah-yes, your parents the hunters. Is this what did it? The whole ordeal with your brother?" And my heart sank, he wanted to know more. I knew...I knew I shouldn't have opened up this can of worms. This awful...awful can of worms, because it seemed never ending. And it was...because it was my life story. My whole life was this, based around this one event.

"After his funeral my parents vowed they'd get revenge. But they weren't alone, we had met Bobby that night my brother had died and he had taken my parents under his wing. He showed them the ropes, told them the basics they needed to know, and we were off. My parents chased lead after lead; meeting with demon after demon and sending them back to Hell. But the closer they got, the more obsessed they became, the less the cared for me."

"They'd leave me in the motel by myself and I was only 4. Eventually they got tired of lugging me around and I think Bobby could tell, he generously offered to take me in and that's where I spent my childhood. Bobby became the father and mother I never had. I mean, they came back and checked on me. Threw money at Bobby for supporting me and then they'd leave again. Eventually as I aged their visits became less and less frequent and eventually when I was 14 they stopped showing up altogether." I said sadly, as my voice dipped a little lower. I purposefully swallowed the large lump in my throat and fought it back.

I hadn't thought about it in so long. My parents, my life back then, and I never thought I'd have to again. Besides the dreams I had with Josh in them, that was it. That's all my mind ever went back to. It never drifted to my shitty patents and the things I had endured because of them. They could have not plotted revenge. I mean I get it,it  was their child. Their son and I understood, but they had me too. And I think it was something they tended to forget. Me. Their daughter. I may have been their miracle child. I may have been something they weren't looking for, but I was theirs. Their little girl and all I had ever wanted was for them to actually acknowledge that I was still there. That I still mattered to them....but in the end I ultimently knew I didn't. I mean I did, in a sense. I mattered to them, but not enough to want to hang around. Never that much. 

" Petal, did you ever find them? Your parents? They just disappeared?" He questioned curiously, as his brows dropped toward his eyes. He was concerned or wanted more details. At this point, I was beyond exhausted on the subject, but he deserved to know. I guessed. Why not finish the story? There was still so much more to tell. 

I silently shook my head, as he continued to rub his fingers across my chin. And it was funny how soothing it was for me. To have him here listening to something he should have known already. To have him by my side deeply enthralled in the story of my childhood.

"I remember it so vividly. My parents had come back to Bobby's. They had just gotten off of a case, a big case. It was the case that had broken it open for them, to find his location. They had brought me  back a shirt from Illinois, like i had really wanted it. That was their thing,to pretend they still had cared. They brought me gifts and checked in to see how school was, like they really had cared. But I knew they were just trying to look good or...something..I was too young too know. All I knew was they didn't actually like my parents and I never treated them like they were."

"They'd had came by one last time and they were excited. They told Bobby they had finally pin pointed him. They finally had a solid lead on the demon and they were taking him out that night. They waved too me, left, and I never saw them again. Bobby assured me they were just busy, he never wanted too admit they had been defeated. But I knew better and I had made peace with it. Why be sad about people who never showed me the time of day. But I continued my stay with Bobby, even through college. He supported my efforts to not be like them or Sam or Dean, I wanted nothing to do with it. I was fine being just me. Just working and surviving, I did go on occasional hunts, but just for research and to help out a little. I didn't want to be in the field, really-i was afraid I'd become them-my parents. I was afraid of everything." My heart pounded against my chest, as tears rose in the back of my eyes. I could feel them burning, begging to be released. But i couldn't. I couldn't give my parents the satisfaction of knowing I had cried for them on many occasions and I didn't want this to be one of them. I had never spoken like this, revealed my story. And it seemed so unreal, like i wasn't in my body as i told him about it.

"Im...I'm so sorry, Petal, your parents,  they seemed bloody awful. Choosing a demon over you, bloody hunters and their obsessive behaviors. You didn't deserve that..you didn't..." He spat angrily, as he retracted his fingers back to himself. His arms barely waved around, as I saw the anger on his eyes and a small flash of red. I heard the sincerity in his broken up voice, he was upset. He was actually upset about my past? Why would he be? But he seemed legitimately angry....like I should have been. 

"The only good thing that came of it was Bobby and the boys. They were my family, all the family I needed." I said with a smile, as I thought about them. They have been so good to me. Bobby treated me just like his daughter, helped me in school, and even had time to hunt on his own. I couldn't stop him from that, but for the most part Bobby stayed home with me. He's the one who had taught me how to research effectively. How to help the best way I could. He never forced me out on a hunt, like Dean had tried. Bobby was my father and I'd admit that to anyone. He was and I loved him, no matter where he was. 

"Did you...did you ever look for them? Your parents?" He asked cautiously, his words slowed and concise.

And it caught me off guard. Had I looked for them? I felt a breath hitch in my chest, as I thought it over. My actions running through my mind like crazy and....and

"No," I answered simply. My mind felt guilty for my lack of actions and it showed in my body language. I slumped and my tears. They were getting harder and harder to hold back, to control; I was going to lose. 

"I didn’t...I didn't want to become obsessed or ruin my life. My parents had spent so much time on my brother's demon....I didn't want to become that. That obsessive hunter hell bent on finding my parents. If they were alive...well then they weren't showing their faces and hadn't for years. But If they were dead, then so be it. They died doing what they thought was right, but to me they had died the night my brother had. They were never the same. “My voice was small and my head started hanging again. I couldn't control the shame I felt. The awful feelings I felt because of them, the situation. 

I had decided school and Bobby and my friends were more important than my parents. But I mean, I had the right, right? They weren't my parents, not really. They never had acted like it. Josh....he was my main parent. The one person who looked after me, fed me, and played games with me; before his death. And then after I had been handed off to Bobby, like my parents wanted nothing to do with me. But I was blessed to have Bobby in my life. I imagined if we had never met him, my parents would have found information and taken off anyways. Where would I have been? I wouldn't have been in a warm bed and fed. I would have been cold and...and my parents would have left me regardless. I had Bobby and that's all that mattered to me. 

" When I was a human.." He started hesitantly, as my eyes met his. "I was 8 to be exact, my mother left me and never showed her face again. I had no one, no one but a tailor who reluctantly let me work for food and board. But she had left...I had no father and it was just me. Eventually I was taken under the tailors wing, he's showed me the ropes. But it never.... never looked for her either. She was God awful, bloody tramp. The only thing she was good for was the education on the witch craft she had showed me. Comes in handy here and there."

I stared at him with big eyes, as he gave a long sigh. I had never heard him open up like that, about his past. It made me wonder, what was he like back then? Him...as a human....it was interesting to think about. Even now, he was slightly more humanly, but not all the way. He had feelings and cared for me and other things. But what would it be like if he was a full human. What had he been like...looked like.... Was he the same at all or completely different? 

 "Did you think you would have become this," I asked softly, as I pointed toward him. "A Demon or made a deal if she would have stayed. Was that what drove you to do it?" I asked softly, not bringing my voice any louder than I had to. I hated to touch on the subject, but i was curious. It seemed crucial and by the look on his face, I could tell I had touched on a sensitive subject. He looked pained, as he shook his head. Like the blood was going to make him spill tears again and it seemed like they'd leak out at any second.

"Sometimes I wonder....what it would have been like if she would have been there. If she would have been my mother rather than gallivanting around the village like she had been. My life back then, it was hard. But i think it would have proved more difficult with her around. I wouldn't have learned the things I had learned about being a tailor or doing something with my life. I wouldn't have met my wife or...."

"You had a wife?!" I interjected in disbelief, as the words instantly slipped out of my mouth. I didn't even have time to think about it before it had come out. It was like word vomit and my tongue couldn't grasp that it wasn't supposed to move. But it had and I had seemed so surprised and I didn't mean to but....I mean...come on! 

Crowley...with a wife??? What?? I couldn't...my mind! I couldn't wrap my mind around it. He had...loved someone enough to marry them?? But I mean, I guess he was humanly then, not a killer demon. But still...wow a wife, what next-a child? It was just..unfathomable to think about, just crazy. But I had to remind myself over and over again that he had once been a human. A human like me, with shitty parents and feelings. And he had had tons of humanity or I was guessing, because he had had a wife. He had had someone who had cared about him and he had cared about her. Or maybe I was assuming too much, but I at least hoped that one person in his human life showed him the time of day. That someone had loved him deeply and cared for him......but then again...why did I care so much? Why did I care if anyone had loved him at all? I guess..I guess he did deserve to be happy in some way or another, even in spite what had happened between us. Happiness...we both deserved it. 

"Don't act so surprised, Petal," he said with a small smirk and a small amount of amusement in his voice. "I was human once. I did what humans were supposed to do: fall in love and continue their blood line. You know...the like." He had a funny look in his eyes, a twinkle that floated in the hazel of his eyes. And I could tell he was thinking about her, as a genuine smile passed over his lips. A smile that meant he was lost in thought at the thought of her.... I wondered for a small second what she was like....what they were like together. Were they like some overly in love couple or did they fight? Either way he seemed pleased with the thought of her....

"It didn't last long, though," He said in a small voice and he seemed broken up about it. A small quiver gave that away as he began to speak again, "About a year into our marriage she gave birth to our son and succumbed to it two days later. I was left with an infant son who I ultimately despised and resented, because of her death. And I was never able to love again, no one was like her. She showed me compassion and love like no one had. But after her... .I was never the same. And that was what led to this, my deal, and me becoming a demon.  Bloody deal..."He muttered the last part with disdain. His lips turned up, as he spat about it. He was angry.

"I'm so sorry.." I started slowly, as I reached a hand out to touch his. I felt like I needed to comfort him...make him feel better. He seemed like he needed it. He seemed so sad and so....humanly about it. 

"I bet it was hard to deal with it afterwards, especially with a child. It's hard to move on when something like that happens." My tone was consoling, because although, I didn't lose a wife or spouse, I had lost my parents. But that-that couldn't compare. He had lost the only person who had seemed to love him and I could tell that the blood was messing with his emotions. He wanted to...express it in some way or another, but he was still a demon. He was still trying to keep himself in; reel his feelings in and make them stop. 

"It was, but I survived. And look at me now, The King of Hell. Who would have thought?" He said almost sarcastically, as he gave a breathy laugh. And it was almost hard for me to tell if he was sincere about that or if he was just being sarcastic. It was so hard to tell with his soft tone and the way he hung his head. But how did it come to this? To become the King of Hell and become a demon, what really lead to this? He had had a horrible life, but had it all been worth a trip to hell for eternity? I just..I couldn't wrap my mind ever wanting to go there or willingly going there. When Dean had made his deals years ago for Sam's life, I was happy to have Sam back; But I was so mad at Dean, how could he WANT to go there? How could he willingly leave us in a year to go to Hell. I was so heartbroken and livid, I couldn't function after his death. But after he had come back, it was a miracle. 

"How....What made you....?" I stuttered and he must have read my mind. He must have known what I had wanted to say, because he didn't even pretend or try and hold back. He just let go. 

"I was a bloody drunk, a good for nothing low life, and what other option did I have? I was desperate, as desperate as most people are when they come to a crossroads. It's not something humans really want to do. It's not something they plan, it just happens. Desperation is a hell of a feeling, a hell of an act to want to actually do something. I just....I just wanted someone like her again. I just wanted someone to show me the light of love, to show me the way it was again. So I...I asked for it..."

"What exactly?" 

"A Soul Mate, someone to match me. Someone who could come into my life and show me what it was like again. And that bloody tramp promised they'd be present in the next 10 years, that I would know who they were by the touch of my fingers, but it...."

"It never happened?" I whispered in disbelief again. 

"I tried," he started softly, as his eyes lifted to meet mine. "I tried to find them in anyone or anyway, but it never happened. She had said it was supposed to be like magic, that I'd know when we had a connection, but there was nothing...with no one. So i made up this ridiculous lie about it all, what I told them I had sold it for a bigger willy, ridiculous. And that's the first rule I made when I became the King of the Crossroads. No more bloody lies, the deal HAS to happen, give them what they want....." 

And I was....I was shocked to say the least. He had asked for someone to...to love him. And he had never gotten it. Never. He hadn't had a mother to love him, a father to love him, or a soul mate to share his life with. His wife had died before her prime and he had been so desperate that he had sold his soul, for what? He had sold it for nothing, nothing at all. He hadn't found someone to love him again and it heart my heart. I felt the pang of hurt pass through it, as I stared at him. This was...this was more than I had ever thought I'd know about him. He had been so wounded, no wonder he was the way he was. No wonder he had wanted someone to love him and care for him. No one...No one had done that for him and the only time he had ever seen it was with his wife. And she had only lasted less than two years, I just couldn't. I wanted to cry for him. I wanted to break down just for him, he was hurt. Lost and felt alone, but he wasn't. And I didn't blame him for the cover story, I didn't. I had heard it years ago at Bobby's after he had gotten his soul back, but it never seemed real. Never seemed like him and I always wondered what he was hiding. And I guess I got the answer I had always been looking for…

Silence. That's all there was again. We sat in silence. I was at a loss for words and he...he was just sitting there. He looked lost and I could tell after our heartfelt talk that he was craving again, but I didn't know If I could give him anymore. I still felt....weak in a sense. But my body was full of food, but weakness was still there. And I wanted to give him some, I really did. I didn't want to keep him from it, so I knew what I had to do. I had to let him go to her, to that demon he had talked to earlier. She could probably bring him out of this state, this depressive state he was in. I could see it in his eyes and almost hear it in his breaths. He needed it. He needed something..

"I'm sorry our talk turned to this....." I broke the silence in a whisper, as I darted my eyes to his. His dark hazel eyes that filled with desperation and need and he swallowed hard. The lump in his throat bobbed up and down, but he quickly shook it away. 

"I've never told anyone that before, it looks like you might have leverage on me," he quipped quickly, bringing himself out of hole of darkness. The hole that had consumed him while we had talked about our pasts. And I could see the light return to his eyes, but I still knew what he wanted. He wanted more blood. 

"Right," I teased quickly. "Right! I have the best leverage on you," I quipped back, as I shook my head. "Even if I were in a position where someone wanted to know something on you, I don't think I could tell." I shrugged quickly, as I honestly spoke. 

I don't know why I couldn't, but I felt like I couldn't betray him like that. I didn't want to...my connection to him then...it was strong and I didn't want to ever do that, I guess. That was his past and I felt like I should keep it safe. 

A buzz rang from the dresser beside Crowley's side of the bed and his head quickly turned to look at it. His meaty fingers picked it up and I saw the sigh heave through his chest. It rose quickly and almost caught, as it became rigid. And I immediately knew what it was or who it was more like it. It was her, that demon. She wanted him. I could almost her that whiny voice of hers from earlier that kind of sexy whine that she had wanted him in more than one way. And I surly did not want to stop him from that. If that made him feel better....with her, than I wanted him to go. He needed something to distract him from all this; our talk we had just had. He needed something and he probably didn't need me right now. 

"You can go, you know. I won't stop you again." I said with reassurance, as his head immediately shook. 

"No, Petal, I can't..." But I cut him off. I could tell he wanted to go, but he didn't want to leave me. But I was I was fine now, I just needed a little more sleep. I just needed.....needed to be alone now. 

"No, you can go. Look at me, I'm perfectly fine, besides she probably has what you want, right? Something that I can't give you anymore, more of the blood you need. Honestly, it won't hurt my feelings. I plan on sleeping for a long time anyways." 

"You're sure, I don't want to leave you if you aren't feeling ok, Petal. I want to..."

"Go, I can tell you want to and like I said, I'll be fine. I've got plenty of food now, loads of pizza, and a nice comfy bed that's calling my name." I said, as a small yawn passed through my lips and I felt the air intake into my body. Yes, for some reason I felt sleepy again. After the freak out, after the food, this is what I needed now. And with my nightmares gone, I could finally get some peace. I could finally get the rest I needed. 

And with some reluctance and some convincing, he finally got himself dressed. He finally got out of bed and pulled himself together, as much as he could. He put on his suit, but his eyes stared at me the whole time. He wasn't sure if he should, but I convinced him otherwise. I needed to make him go, because...he needed it. I felt like I was bringing him down with the past and he needed to go get what he wanted and what would make him happy. So that's what he did. He assured me that if I needed anything that I could call him and he even produced a new cell phone for me. He told me that his number was programmed in there and he'd be there in a heart beat. He'd be there if I needed him and I believed him. I really did, because I knew he would be, for some strange/crazy reason I believed him. And he was gone and the apartment was mine again. Just me and the plain white walls, it was just me and the emptiness. The noise from the street below drifted softly through the apartment, as my breathing grew heavy. And my eyes quickly shut, as soon as my head hit the softness of the pillow. And without any thoughts.....I was out to the world and Crowley was gone. And Gone....and Gone....and Gone. 

Over the next few months, he'd come and go still. More go than anything. He'd come back to check on me. He'd come back to get a little of my blood here and there, but for the most part he was gone. Always gone and I was left alone again to wonder if he was ok or if he had been killed or something worse. And it got to the point where Crowley no longer came home. I hadn't seen him in a month or so, honestly I had lost count. But he was gone and I could feel myself losing it each day with worry for him. Where had he gone? Until one day...one day I finally got the nerve to call him. I had finally convinced my anxiety to go away that I wouldn't be bothering him, but I didn't know. I didn't want to intrude on anything. I mean as far as I knew, he could be in Hell actually taking care of business. Or he could have been chained up somewhere in pain and..I couldn't stop myself. I dialed his number and it rang....and rang....and rang.......

"Who do you have saved in your phone as 'Home'?" I heard a sarcastic voice ask quickly and my heart dropped. I knew that voice. 

"That's none of your bloody business!" Crowley shrieked in the distance...his voice...it was so nice to hear, but he was so far away from the receiver. I could barely make out his words. 

"Oh crap!" The voice said again in a high voice, followed by a large sigh. 

"What?!" Came a deep, surprised voice...a deep voice I knew. I knew that voice, but it couldn't be...it had been so long. My stomach turned. 

"I answered it, I'm going to..”

"NO" came Crowley again in the distance and something happened. The sound rattled and a voice came over the phone. The deep voice...that voice I knew and I nearly panicked, I wanted to hang up, but I was stuck. I couldn’t move. My stomach turned and I couldn’t do a damn thing. All I could do was listen…listen to the voices on the other end of the phone and I wanted to cry. I wanted to explode, because I knew them. I knew exactly who Crowley was with and I knew exactly what had happened to him.

"If you're calling to check on your King, he's a little occupied right now, but don't worry we'll have him all ship shape by the time he's back." The voice...deep...sarcastic...he didn't..I couldn't..

"Dean ..." I gasped out..and it was all I could say.........


End file.
